I guess in my question to you that should have thrown out there that her R with OM was over. So your W reaches out to you, OM is gone, and she gives you some indication that she wants to reconcile. She is not enlightened, has not dealt with her emotional issues... don't we, as a truly loving S, have role, maybe even a responsibility, to lead and/or help move the M towards reconciliation so that it can become healthy again.
I think that depends Denver. For me at least.
I would have to be able to trust that she is coming back for the right reasons.
I would have to be able to trust or have faith that she is capable of doing the work, and commits to doing it.
I already know that I cannot convince her to do that so really I guess it is up to her to convince me she wants it.
If she showed that to me. Yes I would be open to reconciliation.
Saying we are responsible for them is a slippery slope Denver.
You only control one side of the equation.
Originally Posted By: Denver
I NOW have a choice... 1) Stop 'cold turkey' being the 'fixer' and 2) go ahead and help her, 'fix', the problems that she is creating by having left the M.
I would not assume that she expects you to fix or rescue.
From what you described you treated your W like a child. Do you think she likes that?
Wants more of the same?
If she ASKS you for help then it is up to you whether you decide to give it. Or what is fair in the situation.
This was not your choice it was hers. So for her to ask you for help with her choice...
Doesn't really go along with the space and freedom idea does it.
Kinda contradicts huh?
There is a middle of the road choice here if you have the fortitude to do it.
It is not overly friendly nor shutting her off either.
When she calls show her the new Denver. Let her lead the convo. Don't ask a bunch of questions or about how she's doing etc. let her tell you.
Don't call her let her call you.
See what happens.
Denver this is not a thing of absolutes but I can tell you that the more space you give her, validation and stop fixing the better you both will be.
The best thing for her is for her to live her choices and for you to let her live with the consequences.
Your logic is to get her back to M first.
IMO there has not been enough time apart. The turkey has just started to cook.
I say all this with the caveat that you know your W better than we.
Anyway it is a good question and I remember thinking through it myself.
My asnwer was to detach from what was happening in her life and what she was choosing.
I heard a lot of words early on like you that I thought she might be thinking of coming back
In the end space was the answer for me but I did a lot of what you are doing.
It's not wrong it just can be very tiresome and painful.
That's just what I learned.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
