The Moment of Clarity

[Denver_2010]

Wow, I stay off this thing for a day and the world explodes. Dang it, Denver. You have come full circle before I could even jump in.

So, instead of re-hashing the stuff here already, I want to send you a personal message of solidarity. I AM SO HERE WITH YOU RIGHT NOW!!!

One of the biggest reasons why my W left is because I was an insensitive *sshole who always put himself first and the marriage second. I swear we are twin brothers who were separated at birth. The burning question is how do we proceed? You are absolutely right to be confused.

Despite what the book says and what other members say here, there has to be a time that we have to stop with the going "dark" and the acting "as if" and all the other stuff and just show them that we can still love them in the way that they want to be loved. No, you can't just let them suffer when they are in trouble. At some point, they are going to come to the conclusion that you have moved on and don't care anymore. So, now what????

I worry about this quite a bit lately. At some point, the thought is going to cross her mind that I don't care anymore. I have been so freaking "matter of fact" and "as if" lately that there is no sign of me having any emotions. This is what I grilled the DB coach about the other night. When do you know that it might be time to turn off the stuff and just show them you still care? Who knows.

Unfortunately, I am not there yet. After watching my W stand there in my kitchen last night and just shove her "look at me attitude" in my face, I do realize that I still have a very, very long way to go.

My advice as your wing man it this... Be there for her, but stop volunteering so much. This part of the other posts I do agree with. Somehow, find a way to be there for her without hovering or immediately scooping her up when trouble appears. No, you are not a doormat. You are a good man who loves his W and doesn't want her to be in pain. But, you may have to let her feel some of that pain before she will "come to."

In my opinion, which isn't worth much, you are close to a break-through here. But, I don't think it is going to happen as quickly as you would like. Keep that in mind. Yes, I do realize that will be the hardest part. I am right there with you also...

This is why I love the BITS so much FOBD. We are all in such similar situations and see things so similarly. Except the part where you say that you opinion isn't worth much, I think that everything that you said above is so dead on that I won't even break it down and respond to each part. You are right FOBD, as usual.

The only part that I will breakdown some is the part where you say that you are not there yet with your situation. I agree. I think that once your W starts contacting you and begins to make some contradictory statements that you will need to reassess. Once you start seeing some things happening that, based on what you know about your W specifically, gives you an indication that there is movement in HER thinking, then you will need to consider if you need to adjust your strategy.

BITS!
Denver