The Moment of Clarity

[Denver_2010]

If we leave once we are "enlightened" how does that make us different than what they chose to do?

Exactly. Which is why this statement from J3Bs was so great IMO:

"You come out of this a better person, and you can hold their hand while they grow...slowly and you both build to become a better couple."

Along the way you learn through your own suffering and pain what all this means to you.

I have learned a lot over the past couple of months about what this all means to me.

I still have bouts of sadness, frustration, and just recently, anger, over how unfair that it is that I am the only one 'learning'. That my W, most likely, is not.

Mostly though, this happens when I let my 'ego' do my thinking. What I truly want going forward is to lead in my M by example... to be the change that I want.

My 'ego', which has been severely pummeled by all of this, keeps wanting to push that thinking back into the inner depths of my mind. This has been my struggle this week.

It takes two people to make a healthy M. If one is not healthy then the other is relagated to the role of co-dependent or fixer.

THAT is what I learned that I was and continued to be after we split.

I wanted to save her from her own choices.

THAT is not healthy for me. THAT is not healthy for her.

So what you see on my thread, where I am today, is a man who has walked down a very hard road.

I have had to face myself in the mirror and be honest for what I chose(in my M)was choosing(through this process) and will choose.

Will choose?

I agree that being a 'fixer' is not healthy for either party in a M. But here I also struggle with where I am RIGHT NOW.

My W has not been going through this process as I have. Or at least I assume that she hasn't. So I doubt that she has recognized that I was a 'fixer' and that this was not healthy for us. That it created a dynamic where I was almost a parental figure in our M early on and that negatively affected our R by not allowing us to view each other as having even and equal roles in the M. Even after my 'fixing' wasn't needed as much.

BC of that, and bc I was also insensitive and selfish in the way that I viewed her problems and how they affected me, I NOW have a choice... 1) Stop 'cold turkey' being the 'fixer' and 2) go ahead and help her, 'fix', the problems that she is creating by having left the M. If I choose option 1, then I am the same insensitive and selfish person that I was before, which was a major reason why she left. If I choose option 2, then I am enabling her and not promoting a more healthy balance in the R between the two of us.

It's a tough choice right now bc I don't want to push her away from me when I sense that she is coming closer.

What if your W came to you right now, and, as mine has, gave you an indication that there are thoughts of reconciliation in her mind and heart? What would you do? What would you do if what your W needed for that to grow into something more was some affirmation that you still want her? Would you continue to make her initiate all contact?

I would pay attention to her actions not her words.

I would ask myself what it might look like if she had done her work and started to make changes in herself to take responsibility in our M.

What I would need to see to place my trust in her again.

I would look, NOT LISTEN, to what I think it would take for me to enter into a NEW relationship with my W.

My old M was DOA. My W has some serious issues from her childhood that she must confront and begin to deal with.

I cannot help her with that. No one can.

She is still with OM I believe and until that bandaid is ripped off there will not be any steps by her toward a healthy relationship.

To be honest I was the OM when we met trying to save her.

All of this was very tough for me because I love my W.

I no longer confuse fixing her life, taking care of her and being available for her as a crutch ...

with love.

There is nothing I can do for her right now as much as that is a painful thing for me to realize.

She must figure this out on her own. Without me or feeling that she can reach to me for emotional fix UNTIL she is committed to our M.

That means us as a team. Not anyone else. The two of us. And unfortunately she does not choose that right now.

I guess in my question to you that should have thrown out there that her R with OM was over. So your W reaches out to you, OM is gone, and she gives you some indication that she wants to reconcile. She is not enlightened, has not dealt with her emotional issues... don't we, as a truly loving S, have role, maybe even a responsibility, to lead and/or help move the M towards reconciliation so that it can become healthy again. You S isn't going to do it bc she hasn't learned the tools necessary. But you have. I am learning them.

So here, there is another paradox I think. We don't want to be, we shouldn't be, 'fixers', but at the same time, our S may need to be led. In many ways, this goes back to the quote I pasted above from J3Bs.

Grit - if your W came to you and indicated that she was interested in seeing if reconciliation was possible, but she wasn't 100% sure, would you walk away from her and tell her that she needed to go fix herself first?

I think that THAT is the crux of the question I was asking you... and in some ways, the question that I am asking myself.

My sh!t is out there for this very reason Denver.

I do not shy away from my journey good or bad, mistakes or triumphs.

And this work will never be done for me.

I didn't quote some of your other comments about the sweater fitting like my skin and about your character being what we are when the lights are off at home. Those all hit home with me when I read them on your thread. I think that they are so true.

And I know that you don't shy away from this stuff. That's what I like about talking with you. I sense that I get your inner most feelings on whatever it is that you are speaking about.

Thanks again Gritter. Reading your words and answering your questions has really helped me find a lot of answers within myself.

Denver