Not Counting Chickens Yet...

[hope2011]

A bit calmer now. Good thing H is out of town (just for the day, left this morning, returning tonight because of snow). The boys are home, can't be upset around them. Venting...

I want to believe he's being faithful. I want to believe the past month has been real. Does that make me an idiot or optimistic or an optimistic idiot? I need a reality check, I have lost my bearings.

What do you do when you can't believe them? When you don't know if they are telling the truth? How to do you build on a foundation that's built on mud?

I'd have more respect for him if he was honest. Lying, games, sneaking around... I can't respect that. I know I'm reading "Love & Respect" and all and that's mens' LL but not every man deserves respect for every behavior. I'm not asking for perfect... just honest and faithful and kind. Doesn't everyone deserve that? I'm just hurt and confused and I don't know what to believe right now. If he has cheated, I am gone. I spent 2 years trying to save my last marriage after cheating... I can't do that again. I need trust. I can't build trust if he's not honest. How do I know if he's being honest?

The whole December thing, with him on the site and pursuing other women and me being clueless thinking things were getting better.... it's shaken me to my core. I can forgive, even understand why he was on that site. I wasn't a perfect wife, I nagged a lot, didn't hear him, etc. I understand that part. But I don't understand the leading me on, the being close to me, the two-face dishonesty of it all. I am having a harder time getting over that because it's shaken my faith in myself and what I see as real and fake. My self esteem is zero. My confidence in reading others is zero.

I've worked really, really hard since December. I haven't yelled, accused, raised my voice once. I have asked questions a few times, calmly and non-accusatory. Today's phone call was calm, I wasn't hysterical or anything. I calmly asked, he answered without being defensive. I've been attentive, I've been respectful, encouraging, supportive, praising. I've made a lot of changes and am sticking to them.... fixing myself up in the mornings, dressing up, taking care of the house more, getting an outside office, not commenting about the boys when they are in trouble, etc. I've had 1 attempt at an R talk before today and haven't pushed him, driven him nuts with R stuff, questions about the dating site, etc. I've given him space and tried to put that all behind us. I've been 150% into saving this marriage. My shattered, frightened little heart is on my sleeve.

I'm scared. He went from ready to leave to wanting to work it out in a little over a week. A week. He's been more attentive, kind, affectionate to me in the past month than he has been the past 2 years. I'm just scared it's not real.

I'm dangerously close to WAW territory, my BITS. Pull me back....