The Moment of Clarity

[Denver_2010]

I don't want to pour ice water on your hope, but I think you need to go to meet her with your head out of any fog that has clouded your brain.

I am suspicious when a WAW, who is in an A, initiates a R talk. Please do not go to this meeting thinking that she wants to R the M. I am concerned that you could be setting yourself up for more pain. Just go to hear what she has to say.

Thanks Sandi for taking a look at my recent developments and giving me your insight.

Yes, I absolutely need to go into this dinner/meeting with my W with a clear head.

I plan to listen to her, validate what she is saying, and then listen some more. My concern is, is that it is almost going to be like a closing argument that I do in my trials for my job. That she is going to be looking for me to make a strong case to convince her that R is what she should do.

My instinct, with what I know about my W, is that she is looking for a way to R and still walk out of this whole WAW mess looking like she did the right thing by leaving and so that she doesn't look like the 'bad guy'.

My concern, with what I know about WAWs, is that you might be right Sandi. That I am setting myself up by having my hope and expectation too high.

I'm aware of this danger. But thank you, and to Gypsy also, for making sure that I do.

You've already hashed this thing from almost every angle and haven't even heard her yet. It will drive you nuts.

Ain't that the truth! It has been the bane of my existence this week!

You pretty well laid out your part of the R talk when you and she were texting back & forth.......and I might add, you were too eager in your messages. It was evident to me and I think your WAW probably saw it as well.

I know... my bad.

I think she will want you to "rescue" her in some way....and that will be what the "talk" will be about. My warning to you is to be very careful what you leap into as she talks. You need to keep quiet and listen very carefully to what she says....and especially to what she doesn't say. When she finishes, then think before you speak. After all, she already knows hos you feel. You've been plain about that.

I honestly don't think that she will be asking me to 'rescue' her in anyway. That simply isn't my W. She'd rather become homeless and live in a cardboard box under a bridge than to ask me to help her... unless, she's also realizing some things that she's giving up by leaving M and some things that she's missing about me. That's why I haven't been too concerned about helping her out recently. I could be wrong though.

My concern lies more in the danger that her money problems are the driving force behind her wanting to work on M. I don't want her to come back to me bc of money. Knowing her, I don't think that she would CONSCIOUSLY make that decision based on her recent problems, but SUBCONSCIOUSLY? I don't know. I would prefer that she come back bc she sees my changes and remembers the other positives about me... or at least a combo of all of that.

If she doesn't willingly tell you that OM is completely out of her life, then it's a no-go. That has to be the main issue, or else she is using you to rescue her financially or some other way.

If she kind of puts the idea of R out there.....almost teasing you to see what you will propose, be careful. She doesn't need to come back until she knows 100% that she's ready to work on your M.

Agreed on the OM issue. Absolutely. Also, I agree that she has to know that she is 100% ready to work on M.

However, my concern with the OM issue is that I REALLY don't know if this was ever an A. In my opinion, it was an EA... In my W's opinion, at least how she has expressed it to me and to her family in the past, is that it was not. She may tell me something completely different tomorrow night, and that is, BY FAR, my greatest concern bc I don't know if I will be able to hold it together if she tells me that she had a PA with OM. I may just throw up right there on the table.

If she continues to tell me that OM is just a friend, well then, I may find myself in a bind. Bc she does NOT recognize EA for what it is, she may be adamant that she has never done anything wrong with this and that it is NOT an issue that needs to be resolved for us to work on M or to R. If I argue with her, which any expression of disagreement on this issue would be as far as she is concerned, then I risk pushing her farther away. If I don't disagree with her on the issue, then I am at least temporarily accepting the continued existence of OM in my W's life. I know that WAW's use the 'he's just a friend' line all of the time when there is an A. But when we are talking about EAs, there are many people who don't even accept the existence of such A's. I was one of those people until I was on the other end of it. But my W never accused me of EA. She just didn't like my friendships with OW. I see the light on this issue, but my W has not read everything that I have. How can I possible be expected to try and force my W to acknowledge an EA when she doesn't even think that they exist?

With this, I may just do my best to remain silent for the time being. That way I can at least take some time to regroup and think about how I want to approach the problem.

Thanks again Sandi.