Piecing is almost harder than before...

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Replace NEED with WANT

[XYZ]

So in addition to my major life struggle, I'm also in the process of changing jobs.

My new likely employer has been moving slowly with my formal offer, but all seems well (I used to work with this company before and know the CEO). Got an email from them over the weekend saying "Sorry for the delay, all is well, but I'm out of the office Monday and Tuesday. Let's chat later in the week. Thanks for your patience and sorry for the delay." All good. I mention to W this morning that I sure hope they call today and she says "I think you need to chill. You know them. They want you, they are telling you it's fine and just taking a little while. Stop stressing over it." I replied, "I guess that's good advice for me across the board." She says "yes, it is."

Even with that. I'm cycling back to how I felt way back in the beginning right after the bomb. I don't get it. My mind is screwing with me big time. I'm up, I'm down, I'm up again, I'm down more. It feels almost as bad as the beginning, but I know it's not. I am sleeping (which I didn't in the beginning). I'm not crying (which I did constantly in the beginning). I'm able to work (which I couldn't before). W and I get along great (which we didn't). But it's such a damn struggle. I'm so ready for us to be "there". Wherever that is.

Advice please? I need support. Thanks in advance.

[Cyrena]

XYZ,

What you're going through is part of the process. Of course you just want to be "there," but the easy path is never the good path. You still need to process all the pain you swallowed while you put "saving the marriage" ahead of everything else. You need to honour all that pain ... and then discard it so that it won't rise up again in you in some form.

All of us ended up in Divorcebusting because our marriages had major flaws--owing to us never having been taught the skills necessary for satisfying communication, etc. Piecing is the part of the process where we put all the skills we've now learned into practice. Right now you're creating the foundation for the M that you hope will carry you through into old age, so it's worth taking the time to build it right (however long that takes).

I'm sorry so many stresses are piling up on you simultaneously.

[XYZ]

Thanks, Cyrena. Patience has never been strong skill for me. Guess learning that is part of this process too.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Yup XYZ,

Patience is the key...
Forgiveness is the key...
Empathy is the key...
Communication is the key...

Hell of a lot of keys on that keyring. : )

[XYZ]

Ok, my new mantra:

It takes however long it takes. Obsessing over it won't speed it up -- in fact, it may slow it down and it for sure will make me feel like crap. So I won't do that!

I think I need to remind myself of that fact about 200 times a day. Maybe writing it down will make it stick with me.

[Bolt]

xyz - just catching up with your sitch and it sounds awfully familiar.

W and I are back on track but the affection just isn't where "I" want it to be. It confounds me as well and it grates on me.

I often have those same feelings that you have, wondering if this is all going to be worth it.

Then I hear JTB who's gone through this as it being normal. That helps tremendously. Doesn't make it easier but at least I know I'm on the right path.

It's funny because this part of the process IS harder. It's not as black and white. I find myself backsliding into the needy/begging mode. I know that if I do that, it will push her away and I'll have to start all over.

My only advice is to look for those changes. I know you want things and want them now but also look to see how things were just a month ago? Just a week ago?

That's what keeps me positive.

For instance - my W just TWO weeks ago was ready to leave me. I mean, move across country. She even flew across country to find a job, find a place, find a new life.

Well, she did find a job, a place and a new life. The good news was the new life was with me.

BUT what do I do? We haven't ML in 2 months (the longest in 17 years) and I'm complaining that I can't get no "lovin". Seriously? TWO WEEKS ago, I was going to be alone and she wanted nothing to do with me.

I have to look at what she IS giving me right now. She consistently rolls over and spoons/cuddles me. Almost always gives a kiss bye before work. Almost always touches me when she passes me in the kitchen. I have to take that and see what I didn't have just TWO weeks ago.

(sorry for the capitalization but I like to EMPHASIZE words:))

[XYZ]

Thanks Bolt.

Last night on W and I were TMing each other on the way to meet for dinner out with the kids. During the conversation, she throws in a "You're such a good dad, ILY" comment.

I have noticed that these types of little compliments have started to come back. This is not the first, but I still notice. In the old days, they were common, then not so much. They are starting to make a way back into our conversations.

Also over the weekend, we had a somewhat risqué conversation that W initiated. Again, something that was common before and then not. She did throw in "well, I know that's not where we are at the moment, though" comment. That part sucked, but overall an improvement.

I see so many positives starting to show back up. I need to focus my attention on those and not what's still missing. Based on what I know about Thoughts leading to Feelings leading to Actions, this can be nothing but good news...all we need is a little more time.

[Bolt]

I've thought about that comment "well, I know that's not where we are at the moment, though" because sometimes my W will say that. I think it's a little defense mechanism but ALSO she realizes that I've made some changes and don't want things to happen too quickly.

I take that as a positive comment. Think about it. The more you guys go through this "dance" as my therapist calls it, the more you may have a deeper love for each other. As long as it keeps progressing.

man, I think as long as you keep seeing improvements, no matter how small, you're on the right track!

[XYZ]

I think so too.

Just Lord, give me patience. He didn't give it to me when I was born, so please give it to me now! lol.