Thank you all for your input. It really does help.
I have just one more question on how I discovered the affairs through the emails as well as a follow-up question that is not in the open and will need to be addressed (probably at our next couples therapy).
If I didn't check my wife's emails, the affair would still be going on. Nothing would have changed. The dishonesty would still be there. My S would be spending half the week with the OW. There would be no couples therapy, rebuilding, or healing.
Yes, I have found them. Yes, I used a mistrusting way to view them. What was the alternative? If I had simply asked my wife on a speculation, would she really have told me the truth?
I guess that I where I am coming from. I understand the two way betrayal and need to put it all in the past and work forward.
Question two. I am sure my wife is backtracking right now and reading through those 400 emails to find out exactly what I know. At some point soon, she is going to ask me if I have a copy of them. I do hold a sealed copy of them in a hidden place only if this ends poorly and goes to divorce. They are the backbone of any divorce based on infidelity. I was first told not to tell my wife of them. Too late. Too honest. I know the first question that I will get next week is if I have a copy of them (she already asked if my parents had a copy which they don't). For the sake of honesty and transparency, do I simply say yes? If she asks why, should I tell her that they are there for my protection in case things go poorly? If I asked a lawyer, I know they would tell me to lock them up. How do you go through trust knowing that I have that over her head?
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
I have just one more question on how I discovered the affairs through the emails as well as a follow-up question that is not in the open and will need to be addressed (probably at our next couples therapy).
If I didn't check my wife's emails, the affair would still be going on. Nothing would have changed. The dishonesty would still be there. My S would be spending half the week with the OW. There would be no couples therapy, rebuilding, or healing.
Yes, I have found them. Yes, I used a mistrusting way to view them. What was the alternative? If I had simply asked my wife on a speculation, would she really have told me the truth?
I guess that I where I am coming from. I understand the two way betrayal and need to put it all in the past and work forward.
Does the end justify the means ?
Only if it is the ending you seek ?
That is for you to answer
Can you live with the means if the end is not what you want ?
Can you live with the means if the end IS what you want ?
Can you live with the means living the double standard that you can be deceptive , yet not allow that ?
Deception can be just as addictive as the affair she had...
The word you seek may be forgiveness...
With her...
With yourself...
This chapter is over, whats done is done. Will you repeat it ?
Originally Posted By: sparks14
Question two. I am sure my wife is backtracking right now and reading through those 400 emails to find out exactly what I know. At some point soon, she is going to ask me if I have a copy of them. I do hold a sealed copy of them in a hidden place only if this ends poorly and goes to divorce. They are the backbone of any divorce based on infidelity. I was first told not to tell my wife of them. Too late. Too honest. I know the first question that I will get next week is if I have a copy of them (she already asked if my parents had a copy which they don't). For the sake of honesty and transparency, do I simply say yes? If she asks why, should I tell her that they are there for my protection in case things go poorly? If I asked a lawyer, I know they would tell me to lock them up. How do you go through trust knowing that I have that over her head?
I had them too...
I didn't snoop to find them, they found me...
I was asked that question ...
Why ?
What?
I calmly explained that they were in the safe hands of a friend, and hopefully, I could place the call one day for him to dispose of them, and I would never have to see them again.
Did it work ?
I dunno...
My focus wasn't on her reaction, it was about me being honest with my answers....
If she discovers that she is indeed gay, will that make her a bad mom? Entitled to less access with your child? Why do you need a divorce based on infidelity? Is that something to do with where you live?
I have snooped too. It gives me an ugly feeling. I would rather keep my side of the street cleaner than that. I won't be doing it again.
Cat04-there is not a time you have spoken that I am not convicted and made to look at myself. I think you just might be my hero. I cannot thank you enough for your wisdom.
Should it ever come out that my h has OW and we get a D, then I won't file based on adultery. If it ever comes to that then we will file with irreconcilable differences. I won't do that to my kids. That's just my personal feels on the matter. He has cheated on me once and it was minor compared to an affair. I can imagine how badly that must hurt.
I agree with what Mach posted about why to kill the demons that keep us from trusting.
It is something I still struggle with from time to time. It will bite you in the butt time and again, in a future R with your spouse, or with someone else, if you don't...
You have to really be willing to be honest with yourself about things though or you will never get to that healthy place.
My story, is no better or worse than yours or anyone else's (although you may be sitting there going "Thank God I am not her", I might be if I was reading it...)
My point, is simply that anything can be worked through and overcome within yourself, with the right perspective.
Justification, simply, doesn't work for me anymore. Killing those demons, does.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
If she discovers that she is indeed gay, will that make her a bad mom? Entitled to less access with your child? Why do you need a divorce based on infidelity? Is that something to do with where you live?
I have snooped too. It gives me an ugly feeling. I would rather keep my side of the street cleaner than that. I won't be doing it again.
Cat04-there is not a time you have spoken that I am not convicted and made to look at myself. I think you just might be my hero. I cannot thank you enough for your wisdom.
Should it ever come out that my h has OW and we get a D, then I won't file based on adultery. If it ever comes to that then we will file with irreconcilable differences. I won't do that to my kids. That's just my personal feels on the matter. He has cheated on me once and it was minor compared to an affair. I can imagine how badly that must hurt.
Just think about your motivations.
Rae
Just for protecting myself. If in the end, divorce is the answer, I know things could get ugly quickly. I have talked to my wife about the outcome and how we would wish to go through mediation for both the divorce and custody, but I can not anticipate the fear and actions of the future. The infidelity piece really does not effect the child custody... only the divorce. W and I do not have much. Not many assets. I guess I could burn the evidence today and just hope that she does not go after my house in the end. Those emails only protect me right now from allowing that to happen. The child custody is a different story. Wife fears that I will seek full custody due to the gay affair. I have tried to explain to her that the affair has nothing to do with child custody. The only thing that determines child custody is the welfare of the child. That's it. We agreed for now, that we would seek 50/50 through mediation if that is the case. Again though, this is now. Who knows what she will do many months form now once she comes out of her fears.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
