thanks chrysa my husbands middle name is self absorbed...it always has been but that's one of the things i should have learned to accept, because in other ways he is amazing i'm glad you have the self control that i don't next time i want to do something like that i am going to wait it out i hope your situation is going well and it's just as cold here in ny
grr...come over here. now lay across my lap. Give me that rolled newspaper.
what were you saying about spanky earlier?
I know it's all hard to not say what you are feeling but please remember that it doesn't do what you intend. You want to have him see how you feel but these WAS don't. They are in a different place and can't hear the words right now.
Please, vent those frustrations here so we can all give you the ok or the hell no. We're all going through just about the same thing - some further down the path than others.
Maybe even look at this group as your collective consciousness. Should I or shouldn't I? We'll let you know
Now move on from this and follow your goals for today! What's past is past. Only you can control YOUR present. Remember that.
Don't make me spank you again
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
Grrr...Bolt is right. Time to move on from this letter, and you WILL move on and at some point all but forget all about it. No big deal in the long run.
But your post got me thinking. Maybe something like this already exists, as I am still fairly new to all the DBing from just last year. You know how there's that DB list of things not to do that gets forwarded rather frequently on here...the 38 or 39 or so pursuing related things? I wonder if there would be any merit to compiling a list of things to REALLY REALLY NOT DO. It seems like so many of us, myself included, have went the route of sending a letter to the WAS thinking it would work, though probably even having a gut feel that it was not a good idea. The title of this thread says it all, really, it's like you consider the letter is potentially going to backfire but you can't resist the pen or the keyboard once it really looks like the wheels are coming off your marriage.
This is in no way an attempt to critique or beat up on Grrr....I empathize with anyone who has sent a letter or is thinking about doing so. It's very hard not to.
I just wish there was a list that of major NO NO's which might start with something like...
1. Do not send a heartfelt, lay all your cards on the table letter to your WAS. Go ahead and write it to yourself, but NEVER send it. It is almost certain that it will not resonate with the WAS the way you hope it will. Rather, it IS almost certain that they will become more withdrawn due to any or all of the following: Guilt that they don't want to deal with, anger because you'll make changes NOW rather than while their heart was into the relationship, disbelief that you will do what you're professing you will do, unsurety as to how to respond, invalidation of their feelings, and so on. Plus, if you put your heart and soul into a letter and it is not met with your expectations, how will you feel then? You can't take a letter back like you even can with words, it shows much more thought and premeditation than words do.
2. I would add some NO-NO's to such a list about confronting the OM/OW and contacting their spouses but that is not applicable to this thread.
Has anyone seen anything over the years like this? Would have saved me some regrets, and I'm sure many many others.
M-34 XW-32 D-7 Found OM's presence 4/09 Separated 12/09 Divorced 8/10 GREAT relationship as coparents since 8/10
Grr, grr, grr!! I so don't want to put a 2x4 to you... seriously, I don't.
But why? I know that you know not to do things like this? It's seems self destructive to me.
You said in one of your posts today that next time you will hold off on doing something like sending this letter. You already knew you should wait before you do or say anything when in an emotional state.
Grr, you have done a couple of things in the past couple of days that are just self defeating. It is okay to backslide, it is. We all do it. But when you do it, you knock your DB efforts back a couple of steps. I know that your goal is to DB successfully. So why would you want to take a step forward only to take another 2 steps back so knowingly?
It's like if you were playing monopoly with your H and you purposely decide to land on the 'go to jail' space! Please, please start thinking things through, and wait AT LEAST 24 hours before you do or say anything.
Now, get up, dust yourself off, and move forward!!
Go make yourself look hot
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
i understand that i am going to get a spanking because of this (y else would i do it?) and i appreciate the love it is applied with i also know that all of you are right (gee - when is the last time a bunch of guys heard that?) bolt - when you said he is not hearing me right now - i understand grocery - i like your DO NOT DO list idea denver - THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME HOW MANY TIMES I'VE BACKSLID IN THE PAST FEW DAYS........arrrrrgh
ok, you will also be proud of me instead of rushing home from work tonight, i stayed in the city, and met with some friends h picked me up at the train station, and i was cheerful, and told him very little about my night (and yes denver, i looked hot) he dropped me off, came in for a moment and i made myself busy and scarce while he said goodnight to s i actually feel much better tonight so thank you all, you just wait til tomorrow no more backsliding for me...and yes i know i've said it before, but this time i really, really, really mean it goodnight the backslider has left the building
