In fairness to Sparks14, and as someone who was cheated on...I personally don't believe the 2 can be compared.
SIC,
You don't know me or my story. So I will give you a brief synopsis.
My wonderful and loving H, with all of his passive aggressive tendencies, his codependence, verbal, emotional, and three times physically abusive behaviors, had FOUR, yes I said four, that I can prove (one other that is speculation), OW, two of which he brought into my home and that I became friends with, and has suffered through two periods of MLC which spanned the time frame of twelve years, when I finally decided enough was enough for me. He is still on his journey almost two years later.
There were good times and bad through all of this. I am not a martyr. Or a doormat.
I have however, struggled with self esteem issues, control issues, a ton of self hatred, a ton of blaming and playing the victim, and victimizing. I hated him and I hated the world for a long time. Then, I challenged myself and was challenged to recognize my views and behaviors and to change them because they are the only ones I can control.
What I have learned, is that I gave as good as I got. Not in the same ways, if you want to weigh things out, not anything as bad as him in comparison. However, his hurt, was just as great as mine. His trust, was just as violated as mine. He felt just as unsafe and controlled as I did. It is all relative.
The only way to change that, is to change yourself. Hold yourself to a higher standard. Be the person that you want to have in your life.
Sometimes you have to give to receive...
Even if it doesn't seem fair, right, or just.
Where am I now? In love with a wonderful man. Who treats me like gold most days, and I hope that is because I treat him in kind. With love, kindness, and respect. It is not all rosy, we have had to deal things ourselves, but we work through them together. Doing our best, to be better and different than we were.
My H, is still on his journey and is still a part of my life. We have a child that we continue to coparent and we actually do it pretty well most days. I still hold love for him in my heart. He is a good man. He just was not a good partner and neither was I at times. There is no hatred, no feelings of victimhood on my part, no blame, nothing. It was what it was and I have forgiven him and myself for things that could have been done differently. I got myself to this point, with the hopes to continue my M. My H, had other ideas, and that was his choice.
So please understand, there is experience behind the words I say to someone. Don't ever discount anyone's words unless you know where they have been. I am no better or worse than anyone here. I have simply been there and done that.
If I can save someone time and mistakes through this process, help them to come to the other side (regardless of the outcome of the M) whole, healthy, and healed, then I have done what I set out to do.
Are we still comparing apples and oranges?
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
