The Moment of Clarity

[Truegritter]

I think that you consider yourself somewhat enlightened, as you should. But you believe that your W probably is not. BUT, you also found in your process what the meaning of unconditional love is to you... and what your vows mean to you.

I struggled with this paradox as well Denver and you will see it in my thread.

If we leave once we are "enlightened" how does that make us different than what they chose to do?

For me I had to continue my journey to stand for my M.

In spite of what my W was choosing.

It was a process of detachment. I couldn't do the LRT and didn't think it was right for my sitch.

I did have to go dim for a while when I realized it was stopping ME and I was stuck watching my W and every little thing in our interaction that would give me hope.

Hope and expectatipon. They are different. I have hope that my W will complete her journey. I have hope that may still include me.

I don't expect it. I don't let myself get attached to any outcome.

Along the way you learn through your own suffering and pain what all this means to you.

How would you reconcile those 2 ideas? 1) Not sure about reconciliation with W bc of where she is at in life, and 2) loving her unconditionally and wanting to be true to your word?

It takes two people to make a healthy M. If one is not healthy then the other is relagated to the role of co-dependent or fixer.

THAT is what I learned that I was and continued to be after we split.

I wanted to save her from her own choices.

THAT is not healthy for me. THAT is not healthy for her.

So what you see on my thread, where I am today, is a man who has walked down a very hard road.

I have had to face myself in the mirror and be honest for what I chose(in my M)was choosing(through this process) and will choose.

Will choose?

What if your W came to you right now, and, as mine has, gave you an indication that there are thoughts of reconciliation in her mind and heart? What would you do? What would you do if what your W needed for that to grow into something more was some affirmation that you still want her? Would you continue to make her initiate all contact?

I would pay attention to her actions not her words.

I would ask myself what it might look like if she had done her work and started to make changes in herself to take responsibility in our M.

What I would need to see to place my trust in her again.

I would look, NOT LISTEN, to what I think it would take for me to enter into a NEW relationship with my W.

My old M was DOA. My W has some serious issues from her childhood that she must confront and begin to deal with.

I cannot help her with that. No one can.

She is still with OM I believe and until that bandaid is ripped off there will not be any steps by her toward a healthy relationship.

To be honest I was the OM when we met trying to save her.

All of this was very tough for me because I love my W.

I no longer confuse fixing her life, taking care of her and being available for her as a crutch ...

with love.

There is nothing I can do for her right now as much as that is a painful thing for me to realize.

She must figure this out on her own. Without me or feeling that she can reach to me for emotional fix UNTIL she is committed to our M.

That means us as a team. Not anyone else. The two of us. And unfortunately she does not choose that right now.

It is the truth. And it took over a year and 120 pages of thread that you have read to get there.

My point is, isn't there a certain point where you have to recognize that DB and, specifically, LRT, has worked, has gotten you to a certain point, and finally, that you need to do some things that may be considered pursuit in order to move farther towards M reconciliation?

No matter what I say you will do what you feel is right and should.

Experience is a good teacher Denver.

Until you can live WHO YOU ARE every day.

Until that nice new jacket that you got at the salvation army, that is comfortable for you ...

Becomes your skin.

You will be living your old life and your old M.

When you are ready, you can take steps with confidence and without fear because there is NO way for you to fail.

Your personality is what everyone sees. Your character is who you are when the lights go out at night and you are alone in the dark.

Your best thinking got you here.

Your W's best thinking got her where she is.

The both of you are here in this M where it sits today because of what you chose and/or continue to choose.

How will that ever change?

What part of it do YOU control?

Sorry if this is too personal Grit.

My sh!t is out there for this very reason Denver.

I do not shy away from my journey good or bad, mistakes or triumphs.

And this work will never be done for me.