Dear, dear friends, your words make me smile, laugh and feel so good inside. Thank you all...
Isaiah... so weird that should be mentioned. I spend a lot of time in Isaiah (John and Psalms too). The book brings such incredible comfort to me! When I wake up at night, I go to my Bible because it reminds me that I am being watched over. Probably stupid, but I feel comforted.
I do laugh everyday and I spend most of my time watching comedies, uplifting shows and decorating shows (I love decorating). It's the nights, like most of you, that we get haunted for various reasons.
I don't know what is going to happen with my M. This is so frustrating to me. If it were up to me, I would have every minute of every day planned out. My H is the complete opposite (thank God because I couldn't stand to be around another one of me). But it's my H's cavalier attitude towards life which is tripping me up right now. This is the lesson I must learn in life, though. You know like the lyrics "life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." I am not comfortable in the unknown. Security means the world to me. But I'm beginning to realize that security is an illusion. Anything can happen at any minute. I don't know if I'll ever be completely comfortable with that notion, but I have to learn to live with it.
I pray that my H comes out of his fog. I pray that he sees our history for what it was instead of what he is creating in his mind. Kind of reminds me of the last lines of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, "it's hard to have a clear thinking on it now, but it's the truth even if it didn't happen." I pray I have the strength to continue to follow the principles here because it hurts so much. My H is hurting bad right now and it takes everything out of me not to do what I can to fix it. I'm fiercely loyal to my friends and family. And to just leave him there in his misery is just killing me and is against so much of who I am. But I have to.
I am one of the luckiest people alive, though. I told you my story and told you I made it. Most people don't. My cat got sick and we caught the problem and he is going to be fine. My dad had a heart attack but he came home to us. My H left me, but I know he still loves me (I just feel it). I come here day after day and I get to spend my time with some of the most extraordinary people (my prayer journal is just so full). I make personal goals and I mostly achieve them. Mostly, I am trying so hard to be right with God and I know that He loves me. I just wish that I could learn to be more grateful and less sad. It would make the days easier...
