Ready to give up

[Queen_of_Swords]

I have done Retrouvaille. It's a good program if you can speak the language of feelings.

[Lotus]

Yes, Retrouvaille saved my marriage. It is a wonderful program! If your wife will agree to go, you will have a good shot at saving the marriage. The hardest part is getting the other spouse to go.

[Lotus]

You have five children, there is a huge pile of research showing that divorce is socially and psychologically harmful to children. The two of you should, at the very least, go to Retrouvaille with open minds and willing hearts for the sake of your children. The children deserve more than parents who just give up the family when things get tough!

[blue2010]

Thanks for the responses, I have not given up, frustrated yes, my W seems to be coming around to saving the M but there is alot of repair to be done I don't think she understands the damage she has done as far as my trust in her and how her actions affect me now.

On retrouaville, is it accurate that it is to help communication. More than anything? Is it the kind of program where you must share publicly or just learn from presenters?

[Lotus]

disbelief,

Retrouvaille does not do "group therapy" or in any way ask you to talk in groups about your problems. All discussion takes place just between the two of you in privacy. You gather together to listen to the presenting couples talk about their marriages, struggles, pain, and reconciliation. Then you are asked a thought-provoking question about your marriage, and you answer it in the notebook that they give you. You show your notebook to your spouse and discuss the writings in private. Here is a link to a thread with a lot of info on Retrouvaille http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1597090#Post1597090.

You are correct, the Retrouvaille weekend works specifically on improving communication between the spouses. It is surprising how many other problems seem to melt away when that one thing, that you may not even know is a problem, is fixed. My husband and I went 3 years ago. And we have not had a major argument since!

[Still learning]

disbelief,

I appreciated the good advice you gave me weeks ago, especially since our situations are a little alike. I'm just starting out with all this and don't know much about Retrouville but I'm pulling for you. In my situation just getting W to agree to go to something like this would feel like a victory.

[blue2010]

I can only hope we stay the course we are on. There still is no evidence of contact. She says she will trust noone incljding me. She had a nighgmare the other night bad enough where she wanted me there we r still in seperate rooms.
I want transparency but I am not pushing anything rt now. I am noting the Baby steps and I hope they are real.

[blue2010]

So I am not sure if I just act as the friend r now and try to build on how we are getting along or what. No transparency. No future hints by her she just wants to pretend it didn't happen limbo limbo limbo don't like it. I am acting nice but get fed up on occaision. Any thoughts out there?

[blue2010]

So I am wondering if we are actually begining to piece things back together. Her actions say so just she has not stated it. Still waiting for transparency.

[blue2010]

I am looking for input please.
Here is the current state of things. My W is away with her sister. Between time away and work schedules we will have almost 10 days that we really will not interact other than phone calls and hello's good bye's how are the kids etc.
In the last couple of weeks my W has really re-engaged herself in the house and the kids. We had a disagreement over finances because I am not going back to how it was done because it causes frequent disagreements.
She does not want to speak of the A at all, she is beginning to have nightmares. She will not tell me about what. She says she has to deal with this her way. She is yet to be open to reading anything from professionals or couples experienced in infidelity recovery.
Her behavior still suggests that there has not been any contact. She called or texted me yesterday before I did her. I am making it a point not to first. I am also not jumping at the phone. She sounds like her old self. It seems the alien has left the building! We have even joked a little here and there and run some errands together to include her asking me to help her with a new vehicle purchase.
So I want transparency as I have mentioned, she still doesn't understand what it means. I want to return to MC. I have the opportunity for a program called Strong Bonds they use the P.R.E.P. process at the end of March but I am not sure if she is willing or if it is to soon. It is labeled marriage enrichment.
The chaplain told me it has helped many couples. I am still going to divorce cares because it is good discussion of all the subjects that are involved in this including forgiveness and reconcilliation. I do not thik my W wants a D now or she would have gone to the courthouse and sorted out the paperwork issue. Its about 45 more days until that filing comes out of the system.

So this is what I have been doing: Engaging in normal conversation because she just wants someone to talk to, I want it to be me. I validate, i confirm I am understanding what she is trying to communicate. I am also standing my ground on finances on things I used to just agree with her on. I have let her know that bottling all this up will not work forever.
I have returned to some of my old good behavior: complimenting her because I still think she is beautiful. Also on her life accomplishments and how she is a good mother becaus she keeps injecting doubt into all those areas. Joking, just with less sarcasm and not with either one of us as the punch line.
I have said several times that despite this rough year I think things can still be good. She continues with saying she is not worth it and everyone would be better off if she just went away.

I am left wondering at times:

Is there deep covert contact with OM?
When will she agree to transparency?
When do I discuss transparency?
I can handle less R/A discussion so why not with a pro marriage councillor 1 time a week ?
Are things like retrouville helpfull or is it to early?
If this M survives how am i going to handle the collateral damage?
On top of this my dad 67 asked what I would do If he left my Mom he's fed up? He already started GAL and says my MOM noticed.
Do I give him DB or DR first?

Sorry so long any feedback is appreciate when i get going it flows.