heyas! Just trying to keep posting to give either roadmaps on what TO do or what NOT to do.
Well, I think I can give you both here
No backsliding, I promise - I'll fill ya in in a second.
First, we had our weekly "check-in" where we tell each other how we think we've been loved/not loved for the week. She started and mentioned how I helped her when she was sick, how I've been helpful and complimentary around her. All good stuff.
She couldn't remember anything bad so she said that was pretty good. She liked how things were getting better between us and I agreed. She wants to continue to try and let the walls down so we can improve and give me what I need.
I told her how she made me feel and that I was happy where we were and where we were going.
But I did have one thing that was still bothering me. Although the texts to this other guy have gone down to almost nothing, she mentioned when she first came home that he had broken up with his girlfriend and that he wanted to text my W. I told her I was too uncomfortable with it and that she needed to not text him. If it were a woman, I would have no problem.
She didn't fight me at all and said she completely understood where I was coming from. She did reassure me that she had zero intentions with this guy and I do believe her. I told her that but also said that it wasn't her that I was worried about; it was him.
She agreed and the issue was over.
We have plans this sunday for Valentine's Day (couldn't do it on monday) to go to a nice restaurant. I made plans where the kids and I would spend most of the day out at a friend's house and then I would come to "her house" to pick her up on a date. I have plans to treat her like I did when we first went out. I'm actually pretty stoked about it.
Well, we start talking about how intimate we haven't been for about 2 months. She says she's concerned that I may have expectations for ML after VDay. Believe it or not, I had not expectations at all - but for some reason, that slapped me in the face.
I was a little hurt at it but assured her that wasn't my expectations. I wanted to start to woo her like I did when we first started dating.
I did tell her that I desperately miss kissing her and mashing with her almost every morning (just a silly thing we did every morning where she would just roll over ontop of me - no sex). She laughed and said that she is getting there slowly and I told her that I didn't want her to come all the way back yet.
But I did tell her that I did need a little more work from her side to help fulfill the love needs that I have (if you're confused, check out The Five Love Languages by Chapman) - I'm a toucher- I need human touch to feel loved.
She agreed and said that she's working on it and I agreed that she is and I knew it was difficult because she doesn't need that to feel loved...
SOoooo anyway....
The "meeting" went well and we just hung out for a little before going to sleep.
Now, I always say, "A mind is a terrible thing."
During the night, for some reason, my mind was racing. The comment about VDay bothered me for some reason even though my intention was not to ML. I simply wanted a nice date. I don't know why the fact that she brought it up bugged the crap out of me...
Then, I thought - I just explained to her that I was feeling she needed to do a little more work (not the word I used, I can't remember what it was) and she agreed - but yet here we are, her on the complete other side of the bed being as uninviting as possible.
Well, the mind continued to race so I went downstairs. I kept hearing someone's quote about what happens to the WAS once they reconcile - they are afraid of failing - my mind went to the place of, what if she never comes all the way back?
stupid brain!!!
So I went back upstairs and journaled. Man, I was just upset. I was mad that she didn't INSTANTLY turn over and spoon or cuddle with me to give my fill. I used some pretty bad words (in my journal) and then went to bed - feeling a little satisfied but actually determined to give up, if needed.
I know I know...just hear the rest of the story out.
So I get back to bed and she's awake. She asks me what's wrong and I (being the dumb male - almost OLD BOLT) say "Nothing."
My W knows me and says, "Come on. We just had a great convo, right? Tell me what's wrong."
I told her that my emotional needs felt unfulfilled (sounds so freaking needy when I type that). But you know what she says?
"What can I do to fulfill that? Do you need me to cuddle?"
Holy cow! I was nearly jumping out of my skin.
She then says, "I don't want you to feel that way" and grabbed me and held me.
So I guess I'm glad that I journaled my frustration and kept it there.
What's the funniest part of this is that I texted her this morning, telling her how lucky I am to have her.
She asked me what brought that on so I reiterated the evening. She basically said, that's where we are now.
Pretty cool...
so I guess the moral is to vomit your vitriol some place where it can't hurt anyone and keep the fight alive
(or something like that...)
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
I am mostly for sure. The move is weighing heavily on both of us right now. I made the mistake by saying that I really love it here in SD and that this is the first move that we are making where we really don't want to leave.
She's been texting me all morning thinking that I've been agonizing over the move all last night. Now SHE'S reading into things. I just wrote a long email explaining how positive I feel about the move. I hope it hits home.
One funny side note...I whispered in her ear this morning that I was going to give her a very big kiss tonight. She just smiled. Normally, she would look at me like, "We'll see..."
See, I know that I can't just rev the engines and put it in 5th gear. I have to get them heated up early.
You women are a lot of work
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
Bolt, All I can say is "Bravo, my friend. Bravo!" I can't tell you how badly I wish I could be as far along as you are. But, it is uplifting and fun to read your positive posts. I think you will do fine and I too do the "journal" thing and it does work. Sometimes, right before my W arrives here at the house, I will journal to get out the bad vibes. I find it helps me to be more calm and do a better job of DB'ing.
Man, you are going great. Please continue to be our "shining example!"
BITS never walk alone!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
definite test right now. W was at work and was concerned about the move. I sent a decent email saying what I felt about it and that it would be ok. Then SHE went dark...I know it was probably work but she usually texts back just to say ok...
I'm thinking too much into it for sure. Going to put on the positive face for when she gets home because she's probably beat and just wants to sleep. I'll support and get out of the way.
My feelings can wait...UGH...that just stinks to type that but I wanted to get it down here before she got home.
Just a part of the daily struggle. You have a great night and then for some reason, 8 hours go by and you wonder what is going on.
Like I've always said, a mind is a terrible thing...
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
wait you are reading into the fact that WHILE AT WORK, she did not respond to a text....really??!! bolt, bolt, bolt shame on you maybe she is dbing you? or maybe she just couldn't continue from work
I've been following this thread for a week or so while trying to wrap my head around my own sitch.(2nd time around for me)
Let me get this straight. You sexually harass a women at work, get fired over it. (I'm sorry but in this day and age you don't get fired for just goofing around or someone taking something the wrong way), you lie about it to your wife. causing your marital problems.
Furthermore, you like to pat yourself on the back, a lot. Honey, I got some news for you, you aren't husband of the year because you drive your wife home when she's sick or take care of her. That is your job as husband and what it should be from day one. It's not husband of the year it's called being a husband.
I don't say this to be mean, but I say it to get you to realize that the things you are doing don't deserves special merit just because you never did them before. They are stuff you should've been doing all a long and if you don't realize that, you will be back here sooner rather than later. Cuz I'll tell you that the moment you think you are doing work that is special or worthy of Husband of the year, when she stops responding, and she will, you will start feeling like you are superior to her and like you are better than her. Then the resentment builds.
I know...I know...I know... call me insecure...I even told myself that.
BUT I acted positive when she came home and guess what, it was exactly what I expected...everything was fine.
Now lemme 'splain why I was a little off though. We had a great night and then I did text her to tell her how great she was. She then took the convo in a different place where I thought she was thinking things were negative...
Oi vey! I just need to get back to writing and stop thinking like this. Hey, at least my little backslide was only HERE, right?
Needless to say, we just had a nice chat about nothing. I even got a little better kiss (as I promised). We're back to good even though she never thought we were off good...
smack me in the nose with the rolled up newspaper again I deserve it
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
