I intend to live forever - so far, so good

[ClingingToHope]

Here's a question. I've been letting STBXW drive the D bus almost since the beginning. The one time I took any initiative -- the private meeting before either of us hired a L -- she said later it felt like I was trying to push her around.

So now that I've instructed my attorney should I send her an email along the lines of.

"Don't want you to be surprised. I instructed my attorney to send a final settlement proposal so that we can get this wrapped up."

What do you think?

[oldtimer]

Why?

This is a business deal. Treat it as such. Don't needlessly share information.

You will not make friends or heal your R through the D. Why are you trying to manage her or how she feels?

You will both feel screwed in the D, that's how they work. Your job is to take care of you and your kids. Period.

[ClingingToHope]

Church singles meets tonight. I was going to miss it, but girls' school was canceled so no father-daughter dance.

Weird thoughts last few days. Feeling down Tuesday so I downloaded an old sermon from church -- Two words that change everything -- Thank You.

I consider myself a nice person and I'm quick to thank people at work or friends -- but I've always struggled with saying thank you to people close to me. It's part of that holding people at a distance thing.

I've been thinking about whether I ever SAID thank you to STBXW for the good things in the marriage. I tried to show my appreciation by doing things -- but I rarely said Thank You.

I'm not sure why. It's something I have to work on.

[whatisis]

I've been thinking about whether I ever SAID thank you to STBXW for the good things in the marriage. I tried to show my appreciation by doing things -- but I rarely said Thank You.

I'm not sure why. It's something I have to work on.

How about NOT spending time thinking about whether you did or not and shoot for doing so in your next R...and don't feel you have to thank me for this bit of advice.

[Golfgirl1]

Just recognize it and realize you'll do better in your next R; no need to dwell on the past because it [censored] the energy from the present.

[Golfgirl1]

Okay, "takes away"

[ClingingToHope]

Pretty good weekend with the girls and a pretty cheap one. We hit an outdoor ice skating rink -- $9 -- and then went sledding. Otherwise, D11 had a sleepover party on Friday and we didn't much of anything Saturday except play the Wii and watch TV.

Stressing about money, which made me feel better about finally asking my L to wrap this D up.

But still when I see or hear STBXW's voice on the phone my whole body just seizes up. I just got off the phone with her a few minutes ago and I'm trying to shake it from my mind.

Random things from the weekend.

D8 asked me Saturday as we went to get D11 if I still think STBXW is the perfect girl for me. I waited a few seconds to answer that one and then said, "yes." I promised that I'd always love STBXW, and I'll keep it.

D11 had an interesting comment on Saturday. She said instead of saving up to buy a bigger house, I should just save up to buy the house I'm renting. I said "we'll see." I'm guessing STBXW has said something about moving to a different district when the house sells and D11 wants me at least to stay in the neighborhood.

I'd commit to that in a second except for one thing. One of the reasons the house is perfect is that I'm living next door to my uncle and his swimming pool. But they are getting up there in years and aren't in very good shape physically.

I wouldn't want to live there if someone else owned the house next door and we couldn't swim anymore. Ideally, I'd be able to buy his house when they were ready to move out. But it's worth about $50,000 more than the house I'm in. I'd have to be getting married again to buy that house.

I've struggled with D8 the past three days. She's back on the ADHD medicine, at the highest level yet, and she seems much more emotional at night and on the weekends. Coming down from the meds is hard.

Plus, I was doing my taxes this weekend and I'm going to owe a big chunk -- wiping out another savings account -- so I was feeling anxiety as well. So we had a couple of blowups and I'm feeling very down about it.

D8 knows she's different and says she doesn't fit in and -- there's really nothing I can do about it. She's just down about things. I am too.

D11 caught STBXW smoking. She smoked before we got married -- she hid it from me for three months. Quit before having D11. Started again after D11 was born. Quit before having D8. Then started up again about five years ago and quit again.

Whenever stress gets to be too much, she starts up again.

Another funny thing. STBXW drinks two mugs of coffee a day now. I've never had a cup in my life. Goes back to my parents. I never said she couldn't. She never brought it up. Now, she's sucking it down every day.

Weird, random stuff.

Off to the gym. I have to shake this out of my head.

[Reincarnated]

I will tell you something that I was told:

No one says you have to stop loving her. You can go on loving her, but that doesn't automatically equate being with her, or even that she is "the perfect one" for you.

Think about the message you are teaching the girls:

D8 asked me Saturday as we went to get D11 if I still think STBXW is the perfect girl for me. I waited a few seconds to answer that one and then said, "yes." I promised that I'd always love STBXW, and I'll keep it.

The woman who is perfect for you will NOT treat you this way.
Would you want your girls to pine for a man who treated them the way you have been treated?
She was perfect for you once, but things sometimes change.

(says the woman who pined away 2+ years of her life). I know that it takes time, but be careful with what you teach the girls.

(((((((CTH))))))

[ClingingToHope]

Ugh conversation with D8 today.

Apparently, STBXW didn't pay the cable/Internet bill so it's shut off until Friday. I picked up D8 from school and she said STBXW is mad at me. She said the reason she's broke is that I'm not paying my share of the after school sitter and I have the money for cable in my change jar.

I told her there are two sides to every story.

D8 then says it's really D8's fault. If she didn't "make" STBXW buy her toys or take her out to eat all the time then they'd have money. She's really wracked with guilt over some $40 toy she begged for, STBXW bought it and then D8 didn't like it.

I tried to explain that STBXW's money issues aren't her (D8's) fault, but she wasn't buying it. She blames herself.

By the time we got to the house, I had to go back to work, so we ended the afternoon on a down note. I told the after school sitter to let them stay at my house an extra hour so they could watch TV.

Later, I was the scorekeeper at a basketball game and I get a text from STBXW.

"D8 interpreted everything wrong. She asked why we had no internet and cable. Later that night she asked me to buy her a toy and I said no. Later that night I sat down with both and explained to keep Internet we will have to limit eating out and buying toys."

That's a lot different story than what D8 told me. I'm guessing there's truth in both. Whenever STBXW feels stressed she lashes out and I'm usually the reason for whatever ails her -- so I'm betting D8 got that part right.

Anyway, after her text, I responded. "Please tell D8 I am sorry for getting upset."

I just want to get the divorce done so all of this is legal and there's no confusion or interpretation. STBXW keeps hinting she wants me to split the after school sitter costs. And I keep saying I will when the D is done. The reason I'm not now is because STBXW has given me ZERO dollars towards the $15,000 of credit card debt she ran up and saddled me with. That's $300 in monthly payments.

Now, I'm guessing STBXW would like to keep dragging the D out so she isn't on the hook for the settlement and doesn't have to pay her attorney. She owes him $750 so far, I believe.

[awest1217]

CTH,

It is really important that you find a C for D11 and D8. They are both wonderful girls, but as this continues, even after the divorce, they are going to feel a lot of guilt and anger so they need to have someone to talk to who will help them with this. It would also probably be beneficial for you to see a C too. STBXW should as well, but you can't control her, you can only control you. It is not that you need it, but going to the same C as the girls to help yourself and also learn how to help the girls is important.

I know the older a child is when a D happens, the more they feel it is their fault. You have to make sure that they don't feel this way and also to make sure they work through their issues so they don't end up in bad relationships as they get older and D11 is right around the corner from boyfriends.

You are doing great with them, but you may not be able to help them as much as someone who is not in the middle of it. Really think about it and you may have to talk to STBXW about it, but it is definitely something that will help at least the 3 of you.