Be the Lighthouse

[Denver_2010]

I have to be a doormat without seeming to be a doormat!! Without feeling like a doormat!

No you do not. Right now you are though. Sorry.

Look at your convos with W. You initiate everything. You offer concern, help at every opportunity.

If she wants to get together for dinner ler her set it.

If she needs help financially let her ask. You vlolunteered.

Why?

Why are you doing this Denver? Guilt? Fear?

Not guilt. Fear? Maybe. Fear that she will view me as the same insensitive guy that I was during much of our R, and almost all of our last 10 months together.

Isn't that a legit fear Grit? As I wrote that, I could already hearing you tell me to let go of my fear. But what I'm saying is, shouldn't I fear, or maybe a better way to phrase it would be, shouldn't I be concerned that W will not see how I have recognized things about myself that need change and that I have worked to change those things? If she doesn't see these things, then her reason for leaving me is validated, she stays gone, and ultimately my M ends.

I am concerned that this will happen if I continue to tow the LRT method at this juncture. At the same time, I recognize that it is a fine line to walk and I haven't walked it perfectly over the past week or two.

She does not have a chance to miss you man. You are there making sure she is safe.

Looking and watching for some kind of sign...

It is not cake eating if she doesn't initiate anything.

You feel it is becuase you're not getting the reslults you want.

I am making sure that she is safe Grit. I care about her man. I am a 'fixer'. Always have been. I know that it is not healthy. I know what you are saying, I do. As the fantasy of her WAW plan comes crashing down, I am protecting her. But again, if I don't take some action to protect her, then I am the same a*s she left in the first place.

Obviously I'm struggling with where I'm at in this process Grit. I appreciate your questions as they are making me really think things out. They are challenging me for sure.

But let me ask you something Gritter. And please don't take this as me discounting anything you are saying. I just want to hear what your thought process would be if you were in my shoes here.

I have read the entirety of all of your threads. I know where your sitch stands right now and I also think that I understand many of the things that you learned along the way. SO much of it has been a savior to me. But one thing that you seem to have concluded for yourself is that if your W came to you now and wanted to reconcile, that you are unsure if you would want to do that unless she has gone through a similar process and also learned much of what you have learned about yourself. I think that you consider yourself somewhat enlightened, as you should. But you believe that your W probably is not. BUT, you also found in your process what the meaning of unconditional love is to you... and what your vows mean to you.

How would you reconcile those 2 ideas? 1) Not sure about reconciliation with W bc of where she is at in life, and 2) loving her unconditionally and wanting to be true to your word?

What if your W came to you right now, and, as mine has, gave you an indication that there are thoughts of reconciliation in her mind and heart? What would you do? What would you do if what your W needed for that to grow into something more was some affirmation that you still want her? Would you continue to make her initiate all contact?

My point is, isn't there a certain point where you have to recognize that DB and, specifically, LRT, has worked, has gotten you to a certain point, and finally, that you need to do some things that may be considered pursuit in order to move farther towards M reconciliation?

Sorry if this is too personal Grit. I really respect the way that you process this stuff. These are things that I think bother me about my situation and I've been wanting to ask you to see how you would answer.

Thursday may be the endgame for me.

Is this the hill you're going to die on?

I really see some positives with your W.

I think she really is torn with her decision and that is good for you.

If

You let her figure it out.

If there is OM, she has to reconcile that too.

You set your self up for pain when you ask her what she is doing

now you're creating all sorts of scenarios in your head.

Breathe.

get control.

Let her initiate contact with you.

No, I think that I am reconsidering my 'endgame' comment from last night. It is not the hill that I want to die on.

For whatever reason, and for one of the few times during my situation, I was feeling some real anger.

Thanks again Gritter.