Be the Lighthouse

[Denver_2010]

but I also think that we need to BELIEVE that we are going to save the M.

You don't?

That's on you man. All you.

I got through this, by not ignoring statistics, but by accepting no other number in say....1 in 10,000,000 than the 1.

Statisics in relationships aren't just about luck, but by how you influence and affect that number.

What number are you Denver?

I think that is what I was saying J3B. I hear so much talk on this forum that seems to discount the importance of why we came here in the first place, i.e., to save our M or R.

I do NOT at all disagree with the idea that we should also embrace the notion that going through this process CAN make us better people, and better S's for the future, if we choose to really work at it. But to pretend that this is why we came here is simply ignoring the reality of the situation of most of us. I mean I found this website when I googled "how to save marriage after separation' or something like that. I didn't google "how to become a better person after divorce", or "how to make myself feel better after wife decides to hate you".

I was just pointing out that I am working towards 2 goals. 1) to save my M (the original purpose for coming here), and 2) to become a better person.

I think that the problem lies in the fact that when we choose to focus on both of those goals. We may see success on the 'becoming a better person' goal, but not see success on the goal of saving the M. Just bc we can feel wonderful about the success on the former, does not mean that we are not going to hurt and feel devastated about failing on the latter.

I do BELIEVE that I will save my M. I do BELIEVE that my M will be stronger once I have saved it bc of this process and the changes that I have made as a person. If I don't BELIEVE these things, I might as well go to another self help website to just focus on the other goal. I feel that if I don't BELIEVE that I will be successful that I am doomed to fail.

This attitude, which for me is essential for my success here, has an unfortunate side effect... It creates hopes and expectations. It is a waste of time, IMO, to pretend that it does not. Hope and expectation, when they are not met, can cause pain. Everyone here is going to feel that pain if they fail at saving the M. Even if they are successful at learning about themselves and becoming better people.

I just don't like pretending that it is otherwise.


P.S. At least you have an edit button J3B!