Denver and 2step... fly out here and take my H out for a beer?
R talk... because I'm insecure. Because after being completely disillusioned in December and thinking we were happy while he was on the dating site the whole time.... I need to know we're together. I need to know he's being faithful. I need to know he's in this 100%. Right now we're just happily moving along, pretending like all that didn't happen. I'm scared to rock the boat. Scared to bring it up. But I need to talk. I need to know. I need to feel close to him and I can't do that if we are scared to talk about things. I tried a bit of R talk this morning and asked if we were ok. Asked if I was a priority and not an option (per the old quote - "don't make someone a priority who only makes you an option" or something like that). Asked he was really committed to me. His response. "Yes, as long as you don't go psycho". Huh? WTH does that mean?! When I asked him what that meant, he couldn't answer. I asked if he meant as long as I don't get upset or disagree with him? He said no and laughed it off. Seriously, "psycho"?!?! Because I get upset when he joins a dating site or leaves me stranded in a car in the cold overnight? What woman wouldn't be upset? I don't scream, yell, throw things or make a spectacle of myself. In fact, the boys have no clue any of this has gone on so I'm doing a good job hiding my psychotic tendencies I guess. He's gotten off easy. Most women would've gone off the deep end if they found their H's on a dating site or they did / said the stuff he's done. What are the consequences he's dealt with? His W being nicer, trying to save the marriage, trying to understand him. Yeah, I'm a psycho witch. Let him cheat on me with a PA or EA and I will show him psycho. Ugh. He really doesn't get that he's pretty darn lucky I'm still here and love him and am trying hard to make both of us happy. This street goes both ways.
My H has a big ego, compounded by insecurity and selfishness = narcissism. When he's nice, he's amazing. When he's being a jerk, he's really a jerk. He's nice when he wants something or gets his way.... not because he's personally driven by compassion to just be nice. That sounds awful, but it's true. I know if I work to make him happy, he'll try to make me happy. He will never, ever be nice just to be nice. We are wired completely differently. I am too nice. Nice to everyone I know, nice to strangers. I'd throw myself in front of a bus to save someone else. That's how I was raised, that's my faith, that's who I am at the core. He's not like that. I honestly had no idea until we were married. He felt I treated him nice, therefore he was always nice so I had no clue. Then we got married and moved in together and if I didn't do what he wanted, when he wanted, how he wanted... I wasn't nice and therefore he didn't have be either.
I'm really battling with this because it's hard to trust him. I need to KNOW deep down that I can depend on him to always do the right thing, the nice thing. If I got sick, if I have a bad day, if I need him... will he be there? I don't know. If he thinks I'm being nice to him, yes, he will. If not, I'm on my own. But, no matter what... if he's hurt or needs help, I'm there. Things happen, I can't be nice and sweet and in a good mood 24/7 for the next 50 years. I'm human.
So do I spend the rest of my life being nice to him, walking around on eggshells, being a happy robot, hoping he'll be nice back? That's the question. No one should have to earn compassion. I just want to relax, to be able to breathe again, to trust him with my heart and soul, to know that today, tomorrow, 20 years from now... he'll be by my nice, kind, loyal, loving me no matter what. I want to believe deep down he's a good man who's scared. But I don't want to believe in a fantasy either.
Right now, he is being sweet. Amazing actually. He's been kind, attentive the past 2 days. Long back rub today (he's never done that since we've been married). Generous in ML, caring about me too. He even helped me with work stuff today, taking a ton of boxes to the post office for me and helping move them. He rarely ever helps with my work and this time, he didn't complain once. I didn't even ask him to go to the post office. My back is killing me today, I've been moving stuff for work for 2 days now so the back rub and taking that stuff for me has been wonderful. He's said ILY several times, even first a couple of times. He's not complained about my housekeeping, cooking, etc in a week. Today he talked with me about the boys and didn't get defensive or upset when I told him that I didn't like the way they talked to me or feeling left out. He even showed me texts from his XW (their mom) with her complaining that they were treating her the same way so that I didn't feel like it's just me. He's trying really, really hard. THIS is the guy I married. I just want to keep this guy.
I guess I just keep keeping on. Being positive around him, being supportive, being funny and fun. Being the wife he wants and needs. And hoping and praying he continues on the path he's on of trying to be a good H and hoping and praying he's being honest and faithful. DB'ing on faith.
Me - 38, 2nd M, no living children, 1 forever 6 yr old boy H - 44, 3rd M, twins 16
Dating 4/07 M 10/08 Bomb #1 12/10 Bomb #2 1/11 Bomb #3 12/11
