Newbie- Very Lost- Not Sure where to start

[tdb68]

Thanks, IMHO, I don't know where I am, that is why I titled "very lost". The A was not dealt with correctly, I feel that is very true, I tried to "put it behind me", but to this day don't feel she has ever come clean, and i have kept pushing and in turn kept pushing her away. She still hasn't filed, but keeps threatening, even though, I have "completely shut up", i don't bring it up at all.. As far as the "friend", he and I had a long talk and I don't need friends like that. I am reading Divorce Remedy now, I read through the LRT section, but it doesn't feel right, even though she is cold, we still do ALOT together, but like we are brother and sister, not husband and wife. And what a roller coaster, she is high, she is low, I am NEVER sure who or what I am walking in the door to meet. I am going to keep reading Divorce Remedy, and maybe I should take the time to speak to a DB coach? The up and downs are the hardest to handle everyday, I am trying to stay strong and steady, but don't know if I should be returning a "term of endearment", when she says goodbye Hun have a great day, or just say "you too"... Very confusing and trying situation..One thing I have learned from reading alot on this board is that I am not alone in this sitch..Seems more common than I would have ever believed before I was here myself.

[tdb68]

I guess you can say that I am getting "mixed messages". Sleeps in the basement with me (after kicking me out of our bedroom), does nice things for me, but is "not in love with me"..How do you keep yourself together, level and strong through this.. It may be going on for quite a while..

[dbmod]

I agree with Mr. Bond, after reading your additional posts. She actually seems to be in love with you, even though she's saying some other thigns. What else is going on in your lives.

[tdb68]

thanks dbmod, I have been sitting here reading the book and checking the board periodically this evening. Both have minor struggles at work, but she seems to have "snapped" when I went after the "friend" in rage, and i agree with Mr Bonds' comment earlier, there is still some unfinished business with the A. Although, every time I have tried to bring it up.. I get "you are going to hold my one mistake over my head forever" as a response, after all of the things you have done in the last 19 years. I have to admit, I didn't do a very good job as a H, but have really spent the last 18 months working on myself, trying to be a better me.. and take care of myself, and be much more gentle and not as "controlling". We share everything now..parenting..finances...cooking.. household chores, etc...that is why i remain so confused, and just continue to work on myself and stay as level as i can day to day... and keep hoping (and reading and learning) so that I don't push her any further away. Just finished the first chapter and my mind is open.. I am just so confused how everything can go from very far into rebuilding..renewed passion..date nights..etc..etc.. to a screaching halt with one outburst???

[dbmod]

td-
It takes a LOT of patience, a lot of kindness, and a lot of time. In time, the outburst won't mean so much. Hang in there, be the best you can be. Keep practicing 'real giving'--loving her the way she wants to be loved. Pay attention to the times you need to pull back a little or a lot (depending on the situation).

[tdb68]

Has anyone had any experience with Retrouvaille? I came across it while doing another internet search, and there is a weekend coming up near me Feb 11-13. Can anyone comment on a good or bad experience? Not sure if i could interest W, since she is distant, but am willing to keep trying anything.

[Lotus]

It's a wonderful experience. Retrouvaille changed our lives for the better. There is a thread with lots of info about Retrouvaille in the Piecing forum.

[tdb68]

Thanks for the feedback, after the reading I have done about Retrovaille, I would love to do it, i am just petrified to even approach her with it... I am struggling really bad with where we are?? I can't seem to figure out if we are piecing or what? She is still totally unreceptive to anything affectionate at all. She wanted me to leave .. then tells me to sleep on the couch and she sleeps on the other couch right next to me.. We are running the "business" of our family in perfect sync, cooking, cleaning, shopping, doing things with our boys. At what point do I consider this to be "piecing" back together? She still won't talk about us.. doesn't bring it up, but, now i am afraid to, based on the last reactions, as soon as i do, she says we need to D? So, do I just continue in "limbo" as we are? Anyone share a similar experience?

[Truegritter]

tdb

It seems to me that you do not trust your W after the way she has behaved.

Mr. Bond is right on with that.

Was she contrite about the A at all?

If she wants the M she should understand that she has broken the trust and want to bend over backwards to rebuild it.

Become completely transparent about her actions and whereabouts.

Disapearing at a party doesn't do that for me.

If she is unwilling to understand that, then you still have a BIG problem.

IMO.

Whatever it was that drove her to the A is still present and she feels vindicated for her behavior for it.

What are her complaints against you. The ones that sting?

[tdb68]

Thanks for the response, I definitely still am having trouble trusting her.... Yes, she has been very contrite, where she is has not been a problem, it is just some of her actions.. She has me on a "roller coaster" everyday, and I am in the middle of reading DR, and I try to not ever show her the roller coaster she has me on, but it is obvious to some of the people I work with day to day.. I am not sure how everyone keeps DBing with the ups and downs of day to day.. it is REALLY hard... I just keep telling myself I can get through this and working on myself everyday. When will the anxiety get any better? I guess when things start to look positive??

My biggest problem has always been my anger and being an "absent husband and father". I worked 70 hour weeks right up until I discovered the A, and that is when I realized I needed to change and had a lot to do with what happened. I continue to work on myself on that aspect. But, i got angry once in 18 months since she first walked away, when she "disappeared" at the party, and I am still human, I am going to make a mistake. I just hope it wasn't too much for her to take.