The first thing I see is that you're trying to "shake" him out of it; by doing all you can to more or less get him to notice you; going dark, NC, even boundaries are all for YOU; not him...this is MLC; and nothing you do will work.
You must get your focus OFF him; and onto you; because YOU are the only you can change and control; NOT him, not now, not ever.
Albuquerque is giving you what you need to know so you can take action WITHIN yourself.
I had to do the SAME things, when it was me; granted, it was harder because he never left home, but it was the SAME.
As you move forward, you will find that YOU hold as much power as he does for ending the relationship; IF this is chosen by you or him.
There are NO guarantees how this will come out..when he put you on a path that was not of your own making, he truly made this all about you, just as his MLC is all about him.
As long as you continue to focus on him; you will not move forward with your life, you will only get stuck in his drama; and that, is not healthy for you.
This is a LONG hard road that many have walked before you; some have come through with their marriages, some without...but each person who takes their journey to wholeness and healing is a success; regard of how the marriage comes out.
Whether the marriage survives the MLC or not; you will still take these same life's lessons(the areas within you that needs growth, change and improvement) into the NEW marriage or another relationship IF it comes to that.
But, know, you must walk the journey to wholeness, healing and change.
Each person contains within childhood wounds that need ripping open and healing within; this journey takes time.
The journey that results is an individual journey..and it takes time to navigate through; in that process, learning about ourselves; and honestly looking long and hard at ourselves.
There are some that say if you are satisfied with who you are you don't have to change, and that's true, but hear this, IF your marriage had been all it was supposed to be; and you and your husband were all you both were supposed to be; there would have been no need for the MLC to happen.
The crisis itself is a wake up call to something that's wrong; but the steps taken to "fix" this wrong lies on each individual.
In order to not go through a MLC/hard MLT, Life's Lessons must be learned; above all the lesson of Control; which simply says you cannot control anyone but yourself amongst others...and if the issues have been faced and settled; the MLT itself would have only been a "blip" on the radar screen.
Unfortunately, there are very few who dealt in this way..hence the MLC.
I, for one, NEEDED this time to grow and change...like many other people, I had baggage that came from childhood, and so did my husband.
Each of us had issues that bore looking at; him through his MLC; me through my journey; and that journey, for me, continued when I went into a Mid Life Transition that was triggered from his crisis....I wasn't finished with my issues..but finished them within that journey.
This is journey is VERY important for you; you can do nothing for your husband; but through the changes you make; these will affect him; as when you change; you actually cause others to have to change themselves to better relate to you...or they can decide not to have anything to do with you, anymore....and this shouldn't matter because change is necessary, regardless.
True maturation results from these changes as you become a true adult for the first time in your life; afterward...and you learn all you were doing to 'please' others constantly was only hurting YOU; so you learn to care for yourself more effectively.
You will also find that you'd 'lost' yourself during the marriage; and that 'lost' identity will also be regained during the journey
You have nothing to lose; and much to gain; but these gains are for you; not anyone else.
Let go of your MLC spouse, let God work on Him; and allow God to also work on you.
You're in the early days of this; keep reading, keep asking questions; and gain more understanding as you move forward.
This all food for thought; and as you can see there has not been anything really said about your MLC spouse...there's not a thing you can do for him at this time.
There is hope as long as you love him; but you must figure out in this process what you would want..and if he returns to the marriage down the road changed; and ready to work toward rebuilding a new marriage out of the ashes of the old one; you will have gained a bonus in that process
You will also find the marriage was not a means to an end; and your happiness will not be and is not necessary for you to be happy; happiness is found within you; not provided by another person.
Just so you know; your husband is in the process of learning the SAME lessons you will learn; and hopefully, he will submit to the changing fires of the crisis...and become the husband he was always meant to be for you.
If not; then you will have gained the necessary tools of a lifetime to live your live more fully; and he will have lost more than you ever thought about.
You'll be fine; you just don't see it right now...but you will.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
