Seven weeks from bomb-MLC?

[Albuquerque]

Nic,

First off, you need to breathe.....................

The sense I get from your posts is that you are entirely focused on your marriage (and salvaging it). While that may seem to make sense, it actually doesn't. You have no control over your H. What he does is his choice and you must let him do as he chooses.

I saw on another thread that going dark was only for my benefit, to help with detaching. That has helped me some in the process, but I thought was also to have an effect on the WA. Am I confused here?

Yes I think you are confused. None of our actions are meant to "have an effect" on the spouse. Our actions are meant for ourselves. We detach because we need to become our own person. And for the record, detachment is not about no contact. It's gaining to the ability to NOT have an emotional response to the actions of the MLCer. It's a lot easier to gain that ability by removing yourself from the MLCer and learning that you CAN be OK on your own. I never had that opportunity due to his relationship with my D and had to learn to detach while still dealing with him often. It's possible, just a lot more difficult. But again, this is to make YOU stronger. It's not meant to have ANY effect on the MLCer. It sometimes does, but that is not the point. It's to make you healthy and whole.

As for your H's actions. Remember the mantras. MLC=confusion and "believe NONE of what they say and 50% of what they do". This is TOTALLY true. My H asks me the same question numerous times a day and seems to genuinely not remember asking. Their actions make no sense. Don't look for patterns, reasons, thought processes, because they are temporarily insane. You can't understand crazy. Don't try. Accept it for what it is, absolute confusion, and move on. You cannot rely on your H for anything at this point. In my own sitch, I refuse to tell D that H might be joining us for some event or activity. WAY too many times he either forgets, gets a mystery illness, or changes his mind. When he shows up, great. It's a bonus for her. But he cannot be relied upon.

Bottom line is that you need to focus on yourself. Improve yourself. You KNOW there are aspects about yourself that are incomplete. And part of you was relying on your H to "complete" you. That makes you an incomplete person and is, in the end, unhealthy. Work on making yourself whole and complete. If and when your H emerges from the fog, they DO notice the change. But again, when and if that time comes, you will be content with your changes because they were made for the right reason (YOU) and not made for someone else.

Keep reading and asking questions, but realize this is a sloooow process and you need to be in it for the long haul. Sorry you're here but this is the best worst place to be.