W: "well if I was wise, I'd borrow money from you in the morning. I honestly hate do that, but it would keep me from getting fees... hopefully! Can I swing by in the morning and get a check? I'm thinking about $300."
Me: "That's fine. What time will u be here?"
W: "Well if school is cancelled bc of snow, I can wait until just before the bank opens so I don't wake you. If we don't, I need to come by around 6 or 7."
Me: "Ok. Just call and let me know."
W: "Ok. Thank you so much. I feel like an a*s."
Me: "No worries. Goodnight."
W: "night"
------
I would love to be able to NOT to act "as if" right now. I couldn't care less about the money. But W should feel like an a*s for other reasons right about now...
I'm seriously feeling fed up up with her WAW crap.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Denver my friend, I know how ya feel. My wife called me last night and wants to come over tonight to talk. I almost wish it was at a restaurant instead, I have been up since 5 cleaning my house. I am doing the same as you, going over a million scenarios in my head, both good and bad. My dreams were filled with her last night. We need to both just take a deep breath and remember what has gotten us to this point. I know I will be thinking about your unconditional love statements heavily today while my mind torments me with a 100 different outcomes. We need to really listen to them, to let them see we really are not the same old Denver and IW. To let them see that if we do get another chance at M, our changes will not be left behind with these aweful situations. My W has said repeatedly to me that when we've tried in the past that nothing changed, this was all before DR. We know we are not those same H...now let's show them!!
I'll post on my thread tonight how things went. Also, have you ever seen the movie Get Him To The Greek? It has a song in it called Bangers, Beans, and Mash that reminds me of a lot of us including myself.
I’m going to start at the end of your post, because I think that is what is bothering me most. Why might Thursday be endgame? Is it because your lack of patience is getting the best of you? Or is it because you have decided that you no longer want to be with your W? I have a feeling it is the former. If that is the case, then you need to stop saying these things and sabotaging yourself. Right now, you are doing things for your W in hopes that it will get the reaction you are looking for. Meaning, you have expectations still. Until you are able to stop that, you are going to continue on the roller coaster and you are not always going to make wise decisions. THIS IS NOT THE DENVER I KNOW.
Denver, you speak of unconditional love quite a bit and trying to learn this. Unconditional means exactly that: doing things without the expectation of anything in return – no conditions. However, it doesn’t mean being a doormat. Your W appears to be irresponsible with money. If she was concerned about money, she wouldn’t be hanging out at a bar spending money that she does not have. BUT, and this is a big but, you offered the money. You are there constantly, in fact, to clean up her messes. This isn’t unconditional love either. God loves us unconditionally, but sometimes he forces us to clean up our own messes. He does that for our own good. That is probably what needs to happen for your W right now as she does need to act more responsibly (I don’t want to make you angry for saying that, it’s just the impression I’m getting right now).
Now, with all of that said, I, too, believe there are a lot of positives in your situation. I think that you have an excellent chance of saving this. But you can’t always see this because you are impatient (me too!!!! My worst enemy). I am not bothered as much as others about you initiating the interactions because for the most part she is responding well. But maybe try to wait on her once in awhile. This will help you feel more confident in what you are doing.
Hey Denver, Buddy ... I'm telling this as much to myself as to you right now ... we are getting let down because our expectations aren't being met.
I feel much like you right now. I thought things were looking up, and then a passing comment from her "I'll always be your friend" .... and I'm torn apart.
In your sitch, it looked like she was considering trying to reconcile ... and then you get your hopes up and you become FIRMLY attached again .... and WHAM ... she hits you with something.
So, we can't control that they keep sending mixed messages. But, we can control how we react to them. I guess you really don't have too much control over her wrecking her finances. And, I think that the women that marry us "fixers" and up resenting the fact that we fix things for them. But, its tough man ... I know it is.
BITS Denver ..... I have your back. And that means I tell you what I think is best even when it isn't what you want to hear. That's what Brothers are for :-)
B.I.T.S
Formerly known as onStepAtATime Me:31 W:31 T:13 yrs M:8 yrs D: 20 months ILYBNILWY: 9/22/10 "I want a separation" 1/05/11
denver - take a deep breath and concentrate on what you want the outcome of this to be and then take another and think about your wife and what you know about her what is the best way to get what you want? it's easy to be frustrated (you should have seen me spew venom this morning) but keep your eye on the prize and be patient now, go make yourself hot!
Yep. I had my party hat out yesterday for sure. Hung over from the party too.
I know that you are right Mach.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
You feel this way because you are too focused on the end, instead of the trip....
Yep. Bc the trip isn't very fun Mach. And I've convinced myself that the end is in sight... Deep down, I probably know that it isn't.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
You feel that you have already made all of your changes and dammit, why can't she see that ???
Yep. Well, that AND why can't she believe the changes and just go back to being the person that she was before we had all of our problems.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
Every day is a new day to be the Denver you want to be...
DBing isn't to resolve one particular problem, it is a way of life once you implement it.
I know Mach. The mind doesn't always do what we want it to do though.
I want 2 things. 1) I do want do be a different person and for DB to be a way of life for me, and 2) I want that to be with my W.
I have a hard time accepting that we DB mainly for the purpose of improving and if we save the M great... if not, oh well. I understand the idea, but I also think that we need to BELIEVE that we are going to save the M.
Of course this is also why I've taken a nose dive in the past 24 hours.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
If she comes home...
Are you gonna forget what you went through and go back to business as usual ?
You said you won't be the same Denver then.....Why wait for something that has not been written yet ?
Absolutely not to the first question. The second question is a very good one that I'm going to take to heart and use to try and change my attitude around.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
If she doesn't come home...
Are you gonna mope around and feel sorry for yourself every day ?
No. I will bet over it and be happy again Mach.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
These are your choices Denver....yours
Take your focus off of what she is or isn't doing and your vision will become clearer...
You are being drug around because you are letting yourself be drug around...
Put some clothes on and cut the rope....
I am working on it. I know that you are correct.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
Have Grit tell you about his jacket he got at the Salvation Army.....
I read all of Grit's threads and remember the Salvation Army post. It was a very good analogy and very good advice... as is most everything that Grit says.
Thanks again man. I appreciate the 2x4s... I really do.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I have a hard time accepting that we DB mainly for the purpose of improving and if we save the M great... if not, oh well. I understand the idea, but I also think that we need to BELIEVE that we are going to save the M.
Oh Yeah! I'm so there with you Denver.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
I know Mach. The mind doesn't always do what we want it to do though.
Make it a decision....choose it every day...
I know it sounds easier said than done, but it isn't that hard...
That choice, made daily, will become a habit, then a lifestyle....
Consistent actions over time....
Originally Posted By: Denver_2010
I want 2 things. 1) I do want do be a different person and for DB to be a way of life for me, and 2) I want that to be with my W.
I'm with ya on both choices...
Originally Posted By: Denver_2010
Absolutely not to the first question. The second question is a very good one that I'm going to take to heart and use to try and change my attitude around.
It was a very good analogy and very good advice... as is most everything that Grit says.