Be the Lighthouse

[Denver_2010]

Update...

My W texted me tonight at 7 or so...

W: "Well, thanks for the help with money the other day. Unfortunately, my student loans accidentally debited me twice today and I will bounce my bills anyway."

I could tell from the tone of the text that she was upset.

Me: "I will call you later. K? It'll be okay."

So, I called her at about 10:15 after I got home from my dad's place. She and step son were on their way home driving through yet another freakin snow storm hitting Denver.

After W told me that she was driving home and some chit chat about the storm, I asked where they had been. She told me that they were at a dinner/jazz club with her music partner Mel watching a big band. Some of the members work with her at the entertainment company that she works for.

She didn't tell me this, so I guess that I don't know for sure, but I do... OM was part of the band. She told me that a "few of the members" work with her and that they were trying to get people out so that they could get this place as a regular gig. I believe her that a few of the members of this band do work with her, but I'm almost positive that OM is one of them.

Anyway, I told her to call me when they were home safely so that she wouldn't be talking while on the road. The whole convo was only about 4 or 5 minutes.

W calls me back about 30 minutes later. We chit chatted about her day, yada yada... she did not ask about mine. She still has shown zero interest with what is going on with me unless it has to do with something that she thinks may be evidence of OW... which there is none.

I ask W what happened with her student loans. She explains the specifics and tells me how her employer, of the entertainment company, might pay her in advance of a show that she is doing in St. Louis this weekend so that she won't have to bounce any checks that she wrote for bills.

I told her "I know that you're not asking me, but I'll help you out if you need it." She told me that she might, that she'd look at her online account later tonight and let me know.

I asked her if she still wanted to go to dinner to talk on Thursday night. She agreed, but said that she'd prefer for it to be earlier rather than later bc she has to pack for her trip and leave early for the airport. We agreed on 6 p.m.

I told her to have a goodnight and to let me know if she needed help with money. She said that she would.

As we were saying goodbye, she said in a very apologetic tone of voice, "Sorry, I know that this is not a reason that you want to be hearing from me."

I didn't really respond to that but told her to just let me know and goodnight.
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I know that it seems that there are some positives with my situation, and maybe there are. And I really don't think that my W's recent attitude is about her using me for money. That has never been her M.O. and she ALWAYS figured this stuff out when she was single and we were just dating. Plus, she has other sources to help her, such as her mom.

BUT, W is beginning to EAT CAKE I think. I guess that we'll see when we have dinner on Thursday.

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When we got off the phone, I paced around my house breaking down what is happening.

One serious problem that I have, and I have no one to blame but myself for it, is that I painted myself into a corner long ago about how I can be NOW with W while we were married. I was an insensitive a*s a lot of the time about her being responsible for her own finances and just by not being sensitive to what was going on with her or her problems. By always looking at things from a selfish point of view. How her mistakes would affect me.

If I'm like that now, then I'm the same old Denver. I don't want to be that way anymore. And if W and I reconcile I won't be.

The problem lies in that I can't set any boundaries right now. I have to be a doormat without seeming to be a doormat!! Without feeling like a doormat!

Here my W is, bouncing checks left and right, yet she is out spending money going to see this male "friend" playing is some stupid band!! Uhhh!! I guess I don't know that she was spending money, but I'm sure she had a glass of wine or at least something. And the point is that she was out seeing this pr!ck who is NO friend to our M.

Another issue with this money thing is that if we do reconcile, I don't want her finances to be so jacked up that it puts our marital finances in a bad way! What am I suppose to do here?!?!

I think that I've decided that if any of her hesitation, confusion or being "torn" has to do with OM, I am going to tell her to take as much time as she needs and that I'm going to move on.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to be rude or confrontational about it, but I'm going to remind her that she'd tell me to go f myself if the roles were reversed.

If this happens, I'm going back to square one and seriously reassess if I want to continue this fight.

On the other hand, if her confusion is just about being fearful of coming back to the same old M that we had before or fearful that my changes are not real, then I will continue with what I'm doing.

How is it possible to love someone and want them so much yet feel so much anger and hate for them at the same time?

I'm sick of feeling like I'm being drug naked through the streets by a truck doing 80 mph.

Thursday may be the endgame for me.

BITS
Denver