I'm not afraid of the legal divorce. I don't see that as a line in the sand but you seem to. What I don't want to do is push her away more. I'm not reading her mind, I'm reading what she has said and how she has acted. That is all that I have to go off of (along with the advice of this board and resources that I have read) But everyone else points me in the direction of less is more. Of course I want to initiate contact...
I have a question for the pros. My W too is proceeding with full steam ahead on the D path. When i read most of the posts here, i get a feeling that it is better to get your spouse back into the fold before D happens. But what if D happens. I am ready to slug it out and see if i can get my W back and remarry her after the D. Any insight here be appreciated a lot
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
This might go against all wisdom on this board but you know what, if this is tearing you up that much then I would say to go ahead and make the call.
One thing I don't ever want to do is go forward with a what if in my head.
I would speak to her cool, calm, and collected and tell her how you feel but not in a needy way or desperate if that is possible.
A few weeks before I started posting when W finally filed for the D I spoke to MC who gave me some good advice and I took it when I spoke to my W.
I told my W this "W. I would like to work things out if possible, but if you feel this is what you want then I want you to know that I am ok with it and I want you to be happy even if that means that you are not with me. I am sorry I've hurt you and I hope you find your happiness"
At this point I was ready to hang up the phone and go away. Well, that turned into a 2 hour convo with W and a good one too. That was the first time she began to take some ownership in the breakdown of the M. Of course I was willing to hang up the phone at that point. If you decide you want to give her a window asks to see her or give her a call and set her free. This way you have left her with a chance to come back.
I am sure I will get some 2x4 action for this advice but go with your instinct because part of my W problem was that I did not fight for my M or for her, I was too willing to let her walk away. That was my tough guy mentality. Every sitch is similar but they are all unique, only you know.
What is the worst that can happen? She goes through with the D? OK. You already knew it was coming..........
Well, that is pretty much 100% my dilemma. My "instinct" is to do what bond says and just try to contact her and talk like nothing is going on but my DB mindset is to let her go through this. Let her go and find out for herself what she wants. It obviously wouldn't hurt if I could just talk to her like everything was normal but I'm not sure that I trust myself to do that. I know that I'm way more capable now than I would have been even a couple of weeks ago but I use my email as an example... I wanted to keep it light and just respond but that was seen as way too much. If I try to talk to her on the phone there is no telling what kind of mistakes I would make lol.
I *want* to call... but whether or not that is what I should do idk. That's why I'm asking. I want to stay as objective as possible. Bond thinks I'm being a wuss for not calling but I just know that when I leave my decisions up to me I usually make a mistake lol
BITS
M 11/11/00 Bomb end of September 2010 Filed 11/9/10
You say you don't trust yourself? Well, if you want a chance to make it you better start before you call. You can choose to make the right decisions or the wrong ones. It's really up to you.
For one thing, you have no idea what DBing is all about. It's about doing what works to get a positive result. You DON'T KNOW what your W is going or not going to do. The most important thing is for you to keep your head during all interactions with her.
The DBing principles of not pursuing, etc. are to be done in the initial stages to cool things off and not make situations so intense. Once things are settled down, you go and start some friendly communication while you're re-building your self-esteem.
Your LRT and "going dark" has been for one reason only...to run away. As a matter of fact, there were several windows of opportunity that were available to communicate, yet you kept talking yourself out of it.
This has nothing to do with the D or anything. She's your W it's natural that you would just ask her how she's doing. You keep saying that you've changed, yet how can she see your changes, etc. She can't see your changes because you haven't manned up and talked to her so she can "see" the changes. Right now she probably thinks things are the same as when you left.
Let me put it to you this way. If you don't start planting the seeds of a R back into your W, someone else will.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I'm not afraid of the legal divorce. I don't see that as a line in the sand but you seem to. What I don't want to do is push her away more. I'm not reading her mind, I'm reading what she has said and how she has acted. That is all that I have to go off of (along with the advice of this board and resources that I have read) But everyone else points me in the direction of less is more. Of course I want to initiate contact...
I have a question for the pros. My W too is proceeding with full steam ahead on the D path. When i read most of the posts here, i get a feeling that it is better to get your spouse back into the fold before D happens. But what if D happens. I am ready to slug it out and see if i can get my W back and remarry her after the D. Any insight here be appreciated a lot
My divorce is only a couple weeks away... So, I hope that that doesn't mean it's over lol.
But I am going to take Bond and Step's advice and work on reestablishing a relationship. If nothing else I can show her my calm and stability through the actual process.
BITS
M 11/11/00 Bomb end of September 2010 Filed 11/9/10
Having a bad day... I just keep wanting to think that it's over and I need to move on. Can't wrap my head around it today at all. Was going to call her and do the chit chat thing but that didn't happen.
BITS
M 11/11/00 Bomb end of September 2010 Filed 11/9/10
No words of wisdom from me tonight next I haven't read one post tonight from anybody having a good day. You have been struggling with the call thing for awhile. You should just call.
