At this point I am just going to journal or my head is going to explode. After trying to catch up on all the BITS tonight I realize it is not a good day to be a club member. I am feeling completely deflated I have no idea why. I feel a sick sensation in the pit of my stomach that is painful all the time. I don’t know what in the world is happening or why. It feels like I did back in Dec and Jan. This is some crazy stuff I am feeling.
I was thinking about this earlier and I have never had someone so close to me that I love so much “die” (this is like a death in a way, a death of dream). My dad is 90 still kicking my mom is 70 all my siblings are still alive so I have never felt this way before, these are all new emotions.
Texted W a little bit ago “did you see the pics D put on FB of you?” W “yeah I saw….:)”
That was it. I spoke to a close friend of mine today and he was really interested in how I was doing. He heard from one of the very few people that know I am in pain and decided to find out if the “Tin Man” was really hurting. After a few minutes I opened up a little bit. He said “man. I had no idea. I thought you were doing great. I have to tell you though that I am very impressed with what I hear. You are always so matter of fact and to the point but I hear real change in your voice. I hear compassion and a very good understanding of how W might of felt. That is good. You know I am always here for you”
I felt as if I was making such good progress last week and then darkness falls. The thing is I know what did it. My comment on that text did it. She got that and said “oh yeah. Ok. We will see” Stubbornness and pride are driving this thing, of that I am sure. She is sweet and very kind but she is also stubborn and she is letting me know right now that the comments rubbed her the wrong way. All this and she probably received the D papers today or even Saturday. I have zero doubt she will turn them in at this point. This is a living walking breathing nightmare.
