2Step and Bolt are giving you good advice re your meeting with H today. I would just add that you should keep the talk about the house and not the R per se. What I mean is, YOU should not bring it up.
What struck me about your last post was learning a little more about your parents and how your H has helped you with them for years.
Has he ever complained about doing this?
Have you ever considered that this has been a burden on him, and how he views the M, that maybe he hasn't acknowledged even to himself, let alone you?
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
thanks boys, i thank you, in advance for being there in spirit! denver, he has never complained i mean his frustration absolutely comes out, as does mine..but they are the first real family he has ever had...he actually takes pride in staying with them and helping out mind you, he is on the road most of the time and gets frequent breaks from the madness and i also think that when he was able to start staying in our home more, he felt a huge sense of freedom and relief the same way i feel when i get to our place in arizona
i have told him that i think that our living situation has had a negative effect on our relationship (so hard to be romantic in my childhood home while there are parents right downstairs, we don't really get to interact as a couple...etc..) he has said the opposite he thinks that we have stayed together this long because of this sitch he is wrong about that we are both tightly wound here
i also feel like whenever he gets off the road things are always a bit off but that is normal for people in his profession i have heard that from other "rock wives" i hate that term one thing i do know, that except for going to a strip club every so often (i am cool with that - pretty much) he is faithful
or has been
i don't know how he has been conducting himself during the separation
ok
longer post than i wanted he will be here soon i will take the advice from all of you excuse me...i have to go look hot
Hey grr...just catching up on your sitch. I'm thinking baout you and hope your meeting goes (or has gone) well with H.
You have made great strides so keep up the good work. We are all always with you in spirit.
Peace and Hugs - Zen
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
arrgghhhh went bad, and then bad to worse i didn't want to talk but he started and then the floodgates opened i did everything wrong i pleaded he even asked me where all my bravado was to which i answered simply "gone" to his credit, he let me vent and vent i did he is so over me he said he is tired of being part of an unhappy couple he told me that last time we got back together it had alot to do with his attraction to me and that would never be enough nothing will work and that he will spell it out anyway i need we forgot it for awhile, picked our son up from school, and went to dinner, where we had a really good time he came back with us and finished sons homework when he was in the bathroom i told my son that daddy would be staying at the other house for awhile, but it would be ok, because it's better than when he is on tour because he gets to see him everyday my son was ok with this he is used to dad being gone although he has been upset knowing he is just a few blocks away when my husband came out i told him what i told my son and lo and behold, i start to cry he put his arms around me and held me for awhile and would you believe it right when he left, i asked him to reconsider again he just got frustrated (who wouldn't?) and told me no chance and left anybody ever come back from being this far down the road? or should i just throw in the towel and forge ahead
Grr...so sorry to hear but I will have to say that there are really only 3 ways for it to really end, right? 1-he gives you papers 2-you give him papers 3-you buckle down and do some serious work for this relationship
My vote is on 3. I'm sorry but there had to be something more than an attraction on his part. There was a part of you besides looks that he wanted. That part (for now) isn't there and that could be what he means when he says that.
It's obvious and he's stated it that he doesn't want someone who is needy and pleading.
Grr - we got ya babe. Come on and do the work Detach and be a great parent. You will become soooo much more attractive to him than you are now.
It's so hard to hear, I know but BELIEVE me that's what it takes. You hear everyone on here saying it - heck, you've even said it Now it's time to do it.
Something I did and still do is daily goals. I bet you do that for work, right? Do it for yourself too.
Write a daily goal and stick to that. It's just one day. Not even 24 hours (can't count sleep). You can do it - one day at a time.
Here's an example. Today I'm going to work out. Easy goal, right? That's a personal one. What about a relational one? Today I'm not going to contact my H. Easy! Done! Just stay focused on that.
Make them simple and then add to them.
What I'm doing now is something like this. I had a goal yesterday of not getting upset IF we didn't do the little excursion we had planned. It wasn't a big deal BUT I wanted to work on me having expectations.
SO - my goal was to not get upset IF plans didn't go as expected. That goal may have not even come into play but guess what? It did. We changed plans last minute and I was totally cool with it. Holy crap! Goal accomplished!
Do that every day.
It does really help.
Do me another huge favor. Really use this board You came to us (and more to the point, me) just before you met with your H. My advice was to stay positive - that's it. Please do it It will help you definitely.
Lastly - don't beat yourself up over this. That will just make it worse for you and potentially your H. Look at it as an F-up. Big deal. It's nothing.
EVEN if he says it's huge.
Listen to this. My W was constantly texting a dude. It was driving me nuts. I called her on it and she said she wouldn't text when the kids or I was around - she said it was no big deal and she wasn't interested in the dude. Yadda yadda - I didn't trust her so I looked at the phone records (you probably remember from the sitch) - and she went BALLISTIC. She even told me at that time that put us back miles from where we were. I thought, great. All of this work I put in and now we're even further behind.
Well, guess what? I worked my TAIL off to get her back by doing some serious DBing and we are BETTER than we were before. Not miles away but now miles ahead.
DON'T let it get you down.
Come on Grr! We got ya!!!
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
We have all been there HELL I've been there a bunch of times. When I was in OK I flat out told me W I needed a decision that day. I wanted another chance. He response. NO!
You know how many times we have said "we shouldn't talk anymore" at least 6 and that is just counting Jan. Well you have been following along my carnival ride.
Bolt is giving you great advice he a success story, I am not but I WILL be one dam& it! This will not define me and it will not define YOU.
Bolt is right (he needs to remind of this pep talk even tho I fall into #1 on his checklist).
You have sought us out again and we are hear for you. Maybe not all of the same players, but we're good understudies. I kow your heart is breaking and when your emotions take over, its tough to not backslide. But it's ok - we all do it. We are all works in progress. Like Bolt said, don't beat yourself up. I like that small goal setting every day. It doesn't seem so hard if you don't set the bar too high when your threshold is so low at this juncture.
Great adivce Bolt. We all want to be where you are some day.
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
thank you all just waht (oops or what) i needed bolt - i love the small goal thingy (don't judge me, unlike you i am not a writer) and that does seem easy enough lets see if it is regardless, i will try and thanks for relaying the texting story that helped too i am sure i will read and reread your post a few times over i am trying not to beat myself up over this i am bad at punching so it probably wont be a problem 2step, i know you will be a success story listen to you...how could you not be? and sister zen, as always your words are like an internet hug i love you all now go to sleep
grr - Bolt, 2Step and Gypsy are right on with what they are telling you. This is tough stuff and you haven't been doing it for very long. I know that you did it before, but you have to relearn and retrain yourself. The backsliding is to be expected at first. Don't beat yourself up. I think that Bolt's idea about daily goals is a fantastic idea.
Now for the 2x4... I'm sorry grr, but I wouldn't be your friend if I didn't... You've got to relearn and retrain yourself quickly. Every time you backslide, you take 2 steps back (no pun intended) with your DBing efforts. You CAN do this grr!! I've seen it in the past couple of weeks. You CAN!
You have to focus EVERY time that you see or contact your H. There is no other way to put this. You have to. You know it. I know that you do.
Now get your head up, and go do it!
BITS!! Denver
P.S. I really liked when you said earlier that you had to go make yourself 'hot' earlier! That's the attitude! You DB'd me and I've never even met you!!!
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Detach and be a great parent. You will become soooo much more attractive to him than you are now.