The title of this one should really be smothered by the dark, but I would rather focus on her beauty than my beastliness. Still, I must absolve myself and move on. I feel I must confess my sins in order to let them go.
Bless me God for I have sinned. Big time.
Imagine this. You see your soulmate's face on your computer. It's the face you have been dreaming of ever since you were a child searching for your best friend. By the grace of God, one day you get a chance to call this dream girl on the phone, and in speaking to her you become convinced that she is definitely The One.
Very soon, you find yourself on a plane. Flying thousands of miles to another country, and then driving hundreds of miles to a tiny spot on the map - a place you have never even heard of.
To your astonishment, the day has finally arrived. This is the day you finally get to meet the woman you have been waiting over 40 years to find. And now, you are driving in your car just moments away from meeting her face to face, after countless miles of unknown roads, mistakes and missed turns along the way...you are finally about to meet the woman of your dreams. For real.
You are driving down White Sands Blvd. Your heart is beating like a hammer. You are turning left on 10th street. The road has become surreal. You turn left on Mckinley Ave. This is where she'll be! You are driving down her street and SUDDENLY THERE SHE IS! (tears have now come 4 years later as I write this)
Oh my God can you imagine! There she is standing in her drive way, totally primed, hot, eager, willing, practically drooling with the anticipation of you being The One, as well. She is beautiful beyond belief. Gorgeous. Stunning. Striking. A true Goddess standing there on the verge of tears in her own happiness to see you and finally welcome you back home. Her Soulmate. Her Twin Flame. The one who she has been wishing for as long and hard as you have wished for her.
She is the embodiment of Love. She is the very best that God could build. And right now, you can see she only has eyes for you.
But wait.
There's something wrong with your eyes. That is NOT what you are seeing.
Alas! You are not aware of it, but you have forgotten to take your sunglasses off!
You know the ones I'm talking about.
The ones that have always prevented you from seeing the true light of other people.
The ones that have always been keeping you in the dark, ever since you started watching television and started being programmed to feel inadequate.
The cheap, plastic filters that have been set upon your eyeballs, making you unable to see past your own subconscious conditioning.
The mass marketed ray-bans, that over the years have trained you to believe in only one type of barbie-beauty image of unattainable perfection.
So when I stepped out of the car, did I see that vision of loveliness before me? That beautiful face? Those gorgeous eyes. The joy, the happiness, the warmth, the passionate flower so eager to unfold?
Did I really see My Love My "Beckie"
No. The first thing I said to myself was "Wow. She's really big." Yep. Beckie is a whole lot of woman. An incredible fit an athletic woman, mind you, a woman who loves and respects her body and knows how to take care of herself...
But still looking like she must have been born an Amazon.
Yes. I am able to make light of all this now. Put it into some kind of perspective that I can learn from.
But back then it was a definitely an issue. And God Help Us, our physical characteristics have always remained an issue since the very first moment I brought it up to her, undoubtedly in some kind of sorry-ass defence of my inability to satisfy her.
Next Chapter: When Love Beckons, Follow Him, Though His Ways Are Steep and Sharp.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
