Relationship Discussions - When is ok?

[Sad_but_happy]

S2D,
I don't post often anymore but I read every day. Your W is testing you. She doesn't know she is testing you but she is. I had a MC session with W yesterday. W and I are piecing and it is going very well. When the MC asked how things were going W said "GREAT" emphatically with a big smile in a very cute and animated tone...

Now let me tell you something SHE said that really opened my eyes. Keep in mind that she sees all the changes I've made and loves the new me. This new me is loving and patient and kind and supportive. And when asked from MC what she was afraid of she stated,

"I'm afraid I will fail."

How interesting is that? You know what happens in the WAS head once they are convinced that the changes YOU make are real? They worry if they can live up to the person YOU are! They worry if they can please YOU as much as you are pleasing THEM!

What your W said is very telling. She sees the changes BUT she is afraid to get burned. Keep it up so she is convinced of the changes and she too will fear "failing" you...

I will tell you that my W said all those same hurtful things you are hearing. Things like:

"We are no longer a couple."

"I am not in love with you."

"We never really connected."


And now things are VERY different with W and I.

Things CAN turn around! Things CAN be better! Keep going!

[Bolt]

sbh - I'd appreciate it greatly if you DID post a little more
Seems like we're in the same boat and I'd like to get some insight/tips/good and bad - on how things are going.

It is interesting what you said about her failing. I can see that happening with the WAS. That makes our job even tougher, right? I go back to that scene from What Dreams May Come - Robin Williams wife committed suicide and is in hell. He goes to hell to save her and sits with her forever, proving his love for her. Once she finally comes around, HE'S now lost all of his love.

I FEAR that could happen in my sitch for sure. BUT I have faith and believe it won't.

[Sad_but_happy]

Bolt,
My W IS afraid of failing. But I told her that she can't fail. I told her the reason she can't fail is because I will not give up on her/us.

I have learned that women need security. I believe that security and saftey are right up there with love and attention. My W stopped feeling safe with me. She didn't feel supported. And now she does. And she always will.

The one thing SHE had to do in order for me to move forward is give up EA with OM. Not doing that was a deal breaker. Cold turkey! Do it or leave. That was my way. Everyone has their own way.

I have been reading your sitch Bolt. You're doing some great work! Isn't it funny that all this happens between the ages of 37-45 (for the most part)... Human nature is crazy!

[Scared2Def]

This is awesome all of you. I kind of agree that maybe she is also trying to adjust to my changes.

My wife and I spoke a bit last night about the kids, I actually brought it up but in a way that I asked her advice.

I specifically asked her what does she think I can or should do to connect with my 13 year old son. I told her some things like, I want to get re connected with him because I am now seeing that we never spent alot of son and dad time together and since he is closer to his mom (like most kids are) I wanted to know what she thought.

Anyway it turned out to be a nice calm conversation and then I decided to hit the sack.

[Scared2Def]

Valentine's Day Card....... Should I bother? maybe a simple card with no I Love You in it... What do you think?

[Scared2Def]

If you couldn't look to your W for positive feel-good words, where would you look? I'm sure it is very difficult to stay focused when you feel it's without her help, but that's how it is with a WAS.

What could you do for yourself that would lift your spirits today?

Valentine's Day Card....... Should I bother? maybe a simple card with no I Love You in it... What do you think?

[Scared2Def]

So today my wife posts on facebook that she is working on her resume... Here is the post "Trying to make 13 years as a MOM impressive. Everyone says what we do is hard work...until we ask for a job!"

I know this happening but my god, this just made my day that much more difficult. I am at work and starting to lose it, thus I came here to type this out but not sure it is helping. Now tonight I am going to be on edge all night and I know i have to refuse talking about our situation.

I really need some advice big time right now. HELP

[2stepboogie]

Calm down my man. If she is planning on leaving it would be irresponsible of her not to plan ahead. I think you fail to see the silver lining here, your W has giving u a time table some w's don't do that.

If she is working on resume that should not surprise you one bit. Your problem is that you have not convinced yourself that she is leaving. Accept it as reality and then these little things will not have the power to alter your mood.

[Scared2Def]

you are absolutely correct. She is still here and things are normally civil around the house. So maybe I can stay positive and enjoy my life.

[sandi2]

I mean does it truly matter if I am changing who I am because I want to be with her? Either way I am working on being a better person..

Here's one of your biggest problems. You are making changes for one reason......and it is to get her to commit to staying with you. That will not work. You are spinning your wheels. That is why you are so exhausted and looking for her to support your changes.

Have you read threads from men who got their WAW's back but didn't stick to their changes? It won't last unless those changes are for YOU and you only. But, so far, you have not accomplished that. Your W can see through it.

Well wife never came to bed last night... Second night in the last 4 nights she "fell sleep" on the couch! What does this mean?

What does it mean? Are you serious? I think she's making a pretty firm statement about not sleeping in bed with you.

Let me ask you a question. Why are the two of you in MC if she's decided to leave in June?