25 Years Gone...?

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Sunshine and Grace. None of it makes any sense at all. Can someone please explain to me "cake-eating" and "projecting?"

[Queen_of_Swords]

Cake eating - Having your cake and eating it too. Has you or what your relationship offered them and their freedom too with few consequencs. May include another emotional affair or physical affair.
Projecting - overlaying their( usually negative) personality traits or onto you.

[Jimbo]

Two weekends ago when I went to pick up S16, she invited me in and we spent over an hour talking on her couch. No R talk, just stuff about her job etc. It was nice like nothing had even happened. I enjoyed it. It almost seemed like old times.

The following weekend when I went to pick up S16, she wouldnt even let me in. What happened? Is this typical MLC behavior?

Most definitely.

It's almost like they need to rebel against their "old habits" to establish a form of self-identity.

[cat04]

Tadpole,

Please be careful when you consider any boundaries. They are to protect you, NOT to punish or attempt to control your S's behavior. They are also only to be used if you are ready for either outcome.

The odds with a MLCer, is they are going to do the exact opposite of what you are wanting them to do. The person who gets hurt in that situation is you.

Because when they rebel, you have two choices, enforce the boundary regardless, or not. If you don't, you lose your credibility. In the future, you will need boundaries. After they begin to wake up.

Any boundaries involving children is a really bad move. And may not even be legal. Your S is 16 like mine. He choses when and if he is gonna hang out with his father. The best thing you could do there, is get out of the way, let them forge whatever relationship they are gonna, and be there to provide emotional support for your S.

Cake eating is really personal for each of us. What some consider cake eating, others do not. Often a MLCer will want to present a "happy family" persona to the world and having an affair or their alternate life in the background. With our knowledge. Some of us can do that, to maintain a connection, to try to let them know the door is still open, others cannot.

Her talk with you and then running, was typical. It was a bit of a peek out of the tunnel. More often than not, those moments cause us to think that things might be changing. We expect it to be that way the next time we see them. And we get hurt when it doesn't happen. Detatching helps you to see those moments for what they are. Then if she does wake up, you will be able to tell the difference.

Hey Jim, long time no see.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks everyone. I've gotten so much support and advice from this board. Today, I just feel like venting. I guess I'm just having a bad day. I had heard of MLC before, but never EVER thought that it would affect my world. I just can't believe it. I haven't talked to W in almost a week and would like to call her more than anything. I know I shouldn't though. Have to be strong. I wonder how she is feeling, what she is doing, if she's even thinking about our marriage or feeling guilty, how her day is going, how her job is going....It is hard to try to be a friend when she won't even contact me. How can I be a friend to her? Also, any ideas about what to do for Valentine's Day? Do I get her anything? Call her? Just let the day go by?

[nic1]

Her talk with you and then running, was typical. It was a bit of a peek out of the tunnel. More often than not, those moments cause us to think that things might be changing. We expect it to be that way the next time we see them. And we get hurt when it doesn't happen. Detatching helps you to see those moments for what they are. Then if she does wake up, you will be able to tell the difference.

So how do we know recognize when they wake up? Because they'll no longer retreat?

[tadpole1025]

Nic1, good question and I wish I had the answer for it. Maybe somebody will post?

I can't believe my emotions today. Sometimes I feel like the MLCer. One minute I'm sad, then angry, then hopeful, then indifferent, then sad again.

I'm wondering too. If we were able to go back in time, is this something that we could have stopped? Or would it have happened anyways?

[Mach1]

I can't believe my emotions today. Sometimes I feel like the MLCer. One minute I'm sad, then angry, then hopeful, then indifferent, then sad again.

It's called the "bounce"

One day you are up, the next you are down...

As hard as it is, recognize this for you, and even this out. Most times, the "up" moments come from you focusing on yourself...

The "down" moments come from your focus being too much on what she is doing, or not doing.

Too far down and you can send invites to a Pity Party !!! Then you can get on your hamster wheel and spin for days...

When that would happen for me, I would get lost in the Archives and read for hours...sometimes for days.

Seriously, these patterns tend to follow our balance. The more you read and understand MLC, the more these will even out for you.

Take the time to "feel" these things though.


Let them wash you over and process them in a healthy , emotional way.

I'm wondering too. If we were able to go back in time, is this something that we could have stopped? Or would it have happened anyways?

If this is MLC, then that chapter was written a long time ago...


Are there things you did to help it along ?

Sure..

Just not entirely on your shoulders...

[MrBond]

How are your interactions with your W now? Is she seeing OM or are the two of you friendly?

[tadpole1025]

Mr. Bond, I have no proof, but I'm sure W is still talking to OM. Our conversations are for the most part civil, but they are very short and cold. I wouldn't go so far as to call them friendly. She won't even give me a chance.