W in long PA with another woman. I'm devastated.

[Bolt]

I guess I look at detachment as a phone. You know how you can get some phone services where you can only get incoming calls with no outgoing ones?

Detachment for me worked that way. I wouldn't text/call/email W at all unless it dealt with the kids. I wouldn't start conversations with her either. I took it another step further if she did start the convos. I would answer her questions but I wouldn't continue them. The answers would be short and to the point. I would even try to leave the room before the convo was over.

It basically showed to myself that I could get along without this woman if needed. It is NOT what I wanted but I had to listen to what she wanted.

She was hurt/felt betrayed and was basically numb to me. I was changing into a man she wanted me to be but she didn't think it was permanent. What she needed was time and space.

Detaching gave her both of those.

Here's how it worked with me.

By giving her time, she got a chance to figure things out. She saw I was changed and it seemed (seems) permanent. She then slowly let her walls come down and let her emotions, her TRUE emotions come out.

By giving her space - getting out of the house when she was around, letting her go on a weeklong trip - she got to see what life without me could be like.

Now thankfully, in my sitch, my wife hated the alternative. She was lonely and depressed to see what her life could be.

Had I not detached even previously, she may have wanted that life even more and been more blind to the fact that it was terrible. Because I gave her space/time, she saw and felt things.

Now she is slowly coming back.

What I would do about her moving out is - ONLY in the MC - say that it hurts you that she is moving out but you totally understand and support her decision. It's not what you want but you realize that she needs space and time to figure out what she wants to do.

And basically leave it at that. You are supporting her and agreeing with her - she may not see that coming and it could play to your benefit.

That also proves to her that you are changing not that you don't love her anymore but that you are giving her something that she feels that she needs. That's huge, dude.

make sense?