Full, H did that....brought his extended family into everything. I didn't. He lied to them about why he left etc. etc. So I really think that he needs to MAN UP and take care of his immediate family like he use to and not worry about any of them. But I don't see it happening. He comes from a divorced family and the whole time I knew him he had to have at least his father or his mother in his life if he couldn't have both. Maybe God willing but I doubt it.
Thanks so much everyone for the advice. Heartsblessing it actually feels like an honor that you answered my thread.
I can't thank all of you enough. I did some terrible DBusting last night. I just couldn't take being treated like I was anymore. I was trying to be the nice guy all of the time because I didn't want H to think he didn't have anyone to turn to that would understand if he needed anyone to talk to or whatever. His family doesn't believe in depression and so on.
Anyway I sent H a text and I probably pushed him far far away, but with us having to put the house up for sale and him complaining to everyone about the child support he has to pay I have had enough. The kids are a mess about having to leave the home and I just lost it for the first time in a very long time. I know I probably ruined my M for good and yes I regret it, but at the same time, being nice wasn't getting me anywhere at all except him controlling me like HB said. I regret it because I wanted to save my M but at the same time I was fed up with H deciding when, where, what, and how things were going to work out for us and then he would pull the plug anyway. I didn't want to be mean because God knows it is not right. And it is totally against rejoice marriage ministries.
But here goes:
Just want to tell you I'm sorry but the door is no longer open for you. You have hurt me and the kids enough. This is the second home I had to give up for you. Your sister claims they are all in the places they want to be in their lives. Well H, I'm sure they are. They all have homes and are with their spouses and children. And our kids don't have a father where they come first and I don't have a husband that I come first in my life.
I forgave you for everything and made an a** out of myself for you and this is the thanks I get. U will have a home again because you will end up with your father's house and me and these kids will have nothing because of you ruining my credit and everything else I ever had. I get a kick out of how you don't have the b**** to do what you want and all that we worked so hard for. I'm not after your money. I made more than you did for years when the plant closed their doors. And you are telling your family that all I care about is money????
If you were a man you would tell the truth to everyone. I hope you enjoy watching everyone with their families and you know longer have one. You said you are a family man, well H, you don't pick anyone your extended family over your wife and kids. I didn't make you choose but you can't own up to your mistakes like I did. Maybe someday I can forgive you totally but it will be a long time. You left us and I'm the one saying I'm sorry for everything, well I just can't do it anymore. You should have thought about what you told your extended family and friends. You lied so much to me and these kids that it actually makes me sick. But like I said, they all have their immediate family and you gave yours up cause you would rather have no responsibilities or any responsibility for the wrong thing you have done to me and the kids. I just can't fathom how you live with yourself. I hope someday you will take responsibility for everything you have done to us. I gave you 2 chances before and you would think you would at least check on us but nope not you. All you care about is yourself and I don't want someone like that in my life. Hope you are in the place that you want to be in your life with no immediate family to come home to.
Wow it took me this long to realize your mess is not my fault. I feel great. Wasted over 2 years but not another second hope all of you had a great laugh at me making an a** out of myself with your extended family. But that's okay, because at least I can say I did the right thing and God knows it. Can all of you say that??? I will pray for all of you. Some people never change and its a shame. I don't want anything bad to happen to you but your were right and it's over. You did too much damage to me and these kids. I never told my family or friends the details but you had to look like and still do, like the victim. We need someone that loves us and where we come first. Sorry and take care. Just wish I wasn't fooled thinking you would ever care enough about us to be a family again. Goodbye H.
I can't thank all of the people that supported me here for almost the last 2 years. Maybe because of me going down with H pushed me into sending this long and mean text but I just got so tired of watching the kids hurt and cry and I got fed up with my own crying and depression (have been a mess since it happened with depression and anxiety) and trying to figure out how we are ever going to move. And where we are going to end up.
While not strictly DBing, I do believe that sometimes those things HAVE to be said, for ourselves.
And when I did something similar and pointed out how I thought I failed at DBing...my friends here pointed out that what I did was set up for a real LRT.
I am sorry for your pain. I am glad that you stood up for yourself, you spoke your mind, now is the time to leave him be, to dwell on it, and in it.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I am so sorry you are hurting so much! It is just awful what these people do to the people who love them the most. I have been where you are and sent SEVERAL emails just like that one! It cleanses your soul, but does nothing to them. They are just not in a place that they can truly "see" what they are doing and they have no forthought of what the consequences are and will be for all the horrible choices they have made.
I can see my XH is coming out of all this, but he has really hit rock bottom. Please hang in there, it will happen to yours too. That doesn't mean you will get back together or that you will even want him when that happens, but it will give you a sigh of relief and make things easier. It has been over 4 years since my XH started MLC and he is just now peaking out of the tunnel, and I am not holding my breath, but it is amazing how his tone of voice, his demeaner and so many things are back to the way he use to be. No R talk between us, I have asked him to move up here for the kids sake and he has been calling me and been really flirty, but I am not making first contact at all. I actually met someone I really like and even if it is just a distraction, it is a nice one!
I am praying for you! And, so wish there was a way to contact you outside of here...we have such similar stories!!
A
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
How are you? What is going on? I have been thinking about you and hope your doing okay.
I think my XH is hitting rock bottom for several reasons, but I don't really know what is really going on with him since he is 700 miles away. But, he has no job, no money, no woman, no kids around at all, and I think he is going to bottom out from all of that. A lot happened over this past weekend and I screwed up big time with him, so we have cut off contact altogether again. We had come so far and were doing so great. It is a long story, and your thread, so I won't go into details, but I am at peace with it and it hasn't really upset me too much. Again, the distraction of the new man, helps all that.
I know he is drinking a lot and is very depressed about not having a job, not having his kids around and such. He cried on the phone to me about a week ago, I was telling him some things and I know he was crying. Up until Sat. he was calling me a lot and telling me what he was up to and such, something he never did when he was so "happy" with his new life. I know he is slowly coming out of this and I will have to see what happens. I can hear the old H in his voice, I could feel him coming back into reality 3 weeks ago when he was up here with me. I don't know how else to describe it, but you will know it when it happens too...they just seem different and more like they use to be...before the alien abduction. He is still very selfish and it is all about him, but he calls and talks to me, still not overly supportive of me and what is going on with me, but he was calling and talking to me. He did tell me on Sat. before the s*it hit the fan, that he does think about us and that he does know how different I am and how good I have been to him.
Please update me on what is going on with you, I want to know how your doing!! I will continue to pray for you!
A
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
Nothing new at all on my end. And please don't worry about posting on my thread. It seems like we are 2 of a kind.
My H hasn't even contacted our D14 since I sent that text above. He probably knows she is mad and upset with him.
My biggest problem is how we went from talking about getting back together every couple of months to weeks then to days and within 2 days he totally changed his mind. Before when we would talk he would mention dating for us but after all of the times we were together this was the first time he mentioned about coming home.
I was doing ok over the weekend, but now upset again. I probably messed things up for good with that text but I was just so tired of saying I'm sorry for things I did wrong in the M and him not once saying he was sorry for anything at all. I did everything I could as far as being nice, and even contacting his family for him. Jon, told me not to but I didn't get on the board until it was too late. I wish I never did contact them. H thought it would help and it only hurt even more.
Oh, I still didn't hear anything as far as selling our home. H's lawyer wanted my lawyer to give her a name of a realtor over a week and a half ago and he did......I got a copy of the letter he sent her and no response from H or his lawyer. I have NO clue to what is going on now.
He is probably enjoying his time with his family and for all I know he may have found a gf. I haven't heard a word from him in over 2 weeks now and we were talking almost every day.
Oh, I know my H is back on his anti depressants but with all of the drinking he is doing now my Dr. said the beer is wiping out the meds. Mine is working and stuff and the last time he cried was when I told him that I love him and I know he loves and misses us too. His family wanted nothing to do with him for over 12 years and now they are enabling him!!! Well, they really weren't there for him before I met him, the stories are unbelievable.
Hey GF, just caught up on everything, what a whirlwind!
I've had some crazy stuff going on and haven't had time to post.
Very interesting turn of events. My head is spinning just reading it, so yours must be
His "Everyone leave me alone, I can't handle this" text is interesting. Just all the classic signs of depression.
I appreciate your posting and honesty. I agree with Jack, that text might have been just what was needed. And any one event like that is never the end, though it may feel that way. I can't reiterate enough to take care of yourself right now, and have some fun. While on the rollercoaster, it's easy to overreact to the highs and lows, and you've had both recently. Hang in there!
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
Thanks for catching up on my thread. Yes, my head is spinning and so are the kids' heads.
I'm just wondering if his text when he said "everybody stop texting and calling I'm tired of everybody's s***" "Go on with our lives and leave me alone" was just for me though. Don't know why he would text his sister or any of his family because they have house phones too. It just doesn't make sense......anyway then I get the lovely next text 3 days later telling me "yes I want the house sold, the D will not be put on hold, and it's over. I'm tired of everyone's bull."
I hope you and Jack are right, because I'm so afraid I ruined it. But I was so angry at him because of his control over me and our M and it was always on his terms since he left, and the kids still crying and now D14 asked if she could go back to counseling. Not only am I on this ride but he took the children with us too.
Jon, you made me feel much better by saying that one event like that is never the end. I am taking better care of myself and trying to have fun with D14. S20 is always with the gf. And let me tell you, while I have been on this rollercoaster, I notice I overreact alot to the highs and lows.....so I'm trying to hang in and on.
I probably messed things up for good with that text but I was just so tired of saying I'm sorry for things I did wrong in the M and him not once saying he was sorry for anything at all.
There seems to come a time when it gets too much; and something must be said. I can only hope you've given him some harsh food for thought; but whatever he decides will be out of your control.
You may also sent this at a time when he was NOT receptive to what you had to say...and everyone else is still being blamed for HIS problems; another thing that's out of your control.
Try not to worry about it; and detach from his drama, GF; you'll be fine, even if you don't see it now.
If your husband cannot straighten himself up and at least fly halfway right, considering where he is within the tunnel, you don't need him and HIS bull.
Somewhere within him he KNOWS what he's doing; and he kept on until you stopped it.
What happens going forward will be up to him; and not you; you said your piece...now the ball is in his court.
Take care.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
