Thank you so much for all of your responses. I feel like I have some of the “big dogs” watching my back.
Grace,
Thanks for the vote of confidence. I think sometimes yes and no on how strong I can be. My greatest strength is my ability to communicate and my greatest weakness is my NEED to. Not being able to have R talks is literally hurting my soul.
I think my sanctuary is here. A place where I am not alone.
Journaling/Venting
This weekend started off really rocky.
I am trying so hard to give him space and stay out of his way. He’s very curious about my constant computer usage. Now all of a sudden, if I leave the room, he wants to know where I’m going.
Saturday we went for a drive and he wanted to stop and look at cars for D16. It’s complicated but I’ll try to shorten it.
In the last year, he has become very critical of everything and everybody. Even strangers. He’s become arrogant and snobby. He does this in front of the kids too. He is always making fun of what others drive. The kids are becoming the same way about cars. Originally, he was going to spend 8K on a car for her. Now, that we have the vette note, we can’t afford to spend that much. She’s upset and he thinks she being a spoiled brat. They’re both right. He isn’t listening and she is acting like a spoiled brat. They both want me to take sides. I try to stay out of it and they both get mad at me. So, I try to explain each of them to the other.
When we get home, he just keeps bringing it up and how he is right. Why can’t I support him, etc. I’m trying to just keep my mouth shut. He wouldn’t let it go, so we start talking. It rapidly turns into a R talk. It got ugly very quickly. In the beginning I tried to validate his feelings and listen. Then I just got ticked off.
I have an iPhone and a Mac. They sync with each other each time I plug my phone into my computer. It syncs emails and phone contacts together. My h is listed in my phone as Name-ICE, which stand for In Case of Emergency. This shows up on my email as well, bc of the sync thing. I have explained this no less than 3 times to him. At least 3 times.
Towards the end of the conversation, if you could call it that, he said, “And this ICE thing on your email! I don’t have W-B!TCH on mine! What kind of underhanded statement is that, W?”
I just looked at him with my mouth slightly hanging open for a good 10 seconds. I think that was the first time I knew that he really is sick.
I calmly explained again, exactly what ICE stands for. It was the strangest argument I have ever had.
It was late, but I told him that I needed to leave and just get away for a couple of hours. I would be back but I had to get away from him. I said it just like that.
Then for some reason, he peeked out from his tunnel.
He wrapped himself around me. He buried his face in my hair.
He said, “I know that I have been an a$$. I know that I don’t make sense half of the time. I don’t make sense to myself most days. I’m just really in a funk right now and I can’t seem to pull myself out of it. Please, love me through this. Please.”
Hard words to resist.
I cried alot Saturday night. I told him that I felt like I had lost everything. He said that I still had everything and that he was going nowhere.
Sunday was a really nice day. He was more himself than I have seen in a while. Today, he could be right back in the tunnel. I am going to try to enjoy the days I have him and cherish those.
