What should I do?

[Queen_of_Swords]

"Turn about is fair play I suppose."

But.. my post came across as sarcastic.. or hurtful. Even J3B posted on it. He knew that I was not trying to scare you off. Why did you feel the need to pull back? Why did your words come out golden.. and mine were just "crap"? I used your words. I just inserted "get some" in them.

I felt mocked Forest. I also interpreted this as a not so subtle STFU.

"She's trying to get your attention and not in the best way. I'm having difficulty changing the way I approach things with males too.
We do that when we deal with our kids. We know you're not our children, but switching gears is a little difficult."

I understand the WAW syndrome. To a T. She has said.. "I don't want to be your mother". So why is this all I hear about? Apply my drinking.. and my porn abuse to your thought. Heck for that matter just apply that I am a POS husband. How can I help you switch gears?

Well after a day of giving directives and gaining cooperation from little and wilful people, it's really difficult NOT to do that to you (our husbands) we are sort of on autopilot.
Perhaps an agreed upon personal signal or transition phase for you both? What that would look like would depend on what you agree to. I have a Jewish friend and he explained to me how his wife lighting the candles at Shabbos changed her into this amazing and sensual creature. Maybe something simple like that would help her switch gears?
http://studentorgs.utexas.edu/cjso/Shabbos/shabexp.html
As for your porn and drinking...well Forest - teenage boys ogle porn, teenage boys drink to excess and do stupid things while intoxicated. I can tell you then this woman sees "the boy inside the man" and as much as I find that boy charming and engaging, I don't want him in control of the man.

"4 years? Oh wow...no wonder you're ready to call it a day. I didn't know it was that long! In that case I think she needs to just do it, even if she's not feeling it...she then will feel like doing more of it eventually."

Thanks for understanding. But.. lets take my "needs" out. I am a big boy. I can handle it. I have porn. Give me your best shot on how I can encourage her. Action words will work best here.

I second MsRae here. Affirm her, affirm her and affirm her more.
Why? For every negative thing we hear, you need seven positive statements to undo it.

By the time you're ten years old you've heard well over 60,000 negative statements. Those are all filed directly into your subconcious mind. How many positive affirming things do you think children hear? Not too darn many in comparison to the negative. Don't forget as an adult too how much negativity we are bombarded with daily.

The good news is the more you affirm her (and YOURSELF too!), the more you pull out of that negative frame of mind. I won't lie, this is going to take a while. Do it daily, be consistent and after 30 days you'll see a change.
When you affirm yourself, say it OUT LOUD. Your subconcious mind hears your own voice best and takes it as truth.

I tried to do with my H early on, but I know now that because he is a WAS and in MLC, he could not take it in. What I said/say didn't and doesn't matter.

"Have you asked her how she believes your interactions with your kids should look, given that you "play" with children differently than she would? Have you asked he what her expectations are?"

Yes. I asked her what a perfect day would be. Her response was the days at the beach. We took a vacation this past year with her family. I was up and cooking for everyone. Breakfast, Dinner. It was good times. But the last night there.. I suggested "get some". I was told we could do that when we got home. I am still at home. I am still lacking. I can't be "at the beach" every day. I don't expect her to either.

Oh Forest I'm so sorry. I can see why you're hugely disappointed. I hope you don't use the phrase "get some" with her? I don't know, I'm just saying women prefer things like: " Sweetheart, I want to make you feel as good as I do when I touch you." Maybe read some women's porn to get an idea? (A romance novel or two)

"The time here would be the dedicated 20 minutes or longer you would spend focused and interacting with your kids and only your kids. Not multitasking, not texting while saying "uhmm" as you look at your Blackberry screen and dash off a text. Not being mesmerized by a screen of some sort."

Our stitches are different. Work.. stays at Work. I am sorry that you had to put up with that. I can see how that would leave you lacking.

Thank you for your understanding