Shine on you crazy diamond...

[zengypsy]

FOBD:

I resonate with everyone's advice but mostly with Scared in Canada because my first thought after I read your post was, well do you know if she would even attend. Perhaps she would feel too uncomfortable. And if she does attend, it would seem it would make the day uncomfortable for both of you and you certainly want to have a good time at the wedding since it is your brother's wedding.

Does it give you the opp to DB? Not sure if it's the right setting. Also, keep in mind that you don't want people to really have to choose sides. If your soon to be SIL is friendly with your W that's great. The probs in your M have no merit with your soon to be SIL. I actually commend her for that especially it seems others in the family detest her at the moment. I mean I'm sure your soon to be SIL doesn't agree with what she's doing like alot of your fam, but she realizes that she's got to work her own stuff out in her own way.

My BILS and SILS have all decided to maintain their relationship with me which I am very grateful for. It's a hard thing for everyone in the family. The WAS doesn't realize that they aren't just breaking up their own M, but an entire family. By DB, you just showing that your actions are supporting your words and that your W is stuck. I've never asked my SILS/BILS to take sides nor will I ever, but at the end of the day as I keep making healthier choices, my H's bad choices continue to shine thru more clearly. Get what I mean?

I'm starting to ramble as well. Not sure if I was any help. You'll make the right deicision. Just don't lose focus of all you've learned and do things for revenge or spit; it will come to bite you the a$$ especially if you want to save your M.

Good luck!

[FellOnBlackDays]

WOW! Team, let me start by saying thank you for all the wonderful and well thought out responses. This is why I love this forum. Everyone, please give yourselves "a hand." You guys are the lifeline and support I needed right now!!!

I have carefully read all of your responses and I am very torn now. Last night as I wrote the post, I had my mind made up. But some of your points are very compelling and really made me think. Mind mind is full of new questions that I have to consider now. I am actually happy about that. Now that I have gone back and read my post from last night, I realize I had a huge amount of "venom" in there. It amazes me how that can creep in there and we don't even see it slipping in...

I am at work today and can't stay on here long. But, I will spend the rest of the day thinking this over now that the subject is "bathed in a new light." I will get back to everyone tonight with my thoughts from today.

But, before I part, here is an interesting wrinkle that I forgot to include last night. My IL's are invited to both ceremonies. Our families were very close and they were invited. My MIL does beautiful calligraphy. Her wedding gift to my brother was to do all the invitations at no charge. So, of course, they are invited to the wedding. Not to mention, my brother also has season tickets with my FIL and I to the local NFL team. My brother and FIL have been friends for years. So, it was automatic that my brother invited my IL's. Now, I have that whole mess to deal with. Does that information change things for any of you? Just wondering?

Once again, THANK YOU! I can't tell you guys how much this has helped!!!

BITS truly never walk alone!!

FOBD

[Denver_2010]

No FOBD, that new info doesn't change my opinion. I still think that you should just stay out of it, let your Bro/SIL and Sis/BIL decide who they will or won't invite. And let your W decide whether or not she will show up if she is invited.

I want to add in response to someone else's post re this issue that I do NOT think that you should take a date if your W is going to be at either of these weddings. There is nothing wrong with dancing with the bridesmaids or whatever, but taking a date would just be a slap in the face and not in line with your goals of getting your W back.

BITS
Denver

[lostinscared]

Change, no. More adamant about my position, yes.

What's your goal here FOBD? Last I checked, it was to get your W back. Do not escalate. Be the light.

I hope you are having a great day!!!

[2stepboogie]

Does not change my mind one bit! If your goal is to save your M then the approach you took last night is not going to get you that. Let her decide if she wants to come or not. If she does be the light and be positive.

I second Denver on the date thing. Serves no purpose except inflame an already hot enough situation. Plenty of bridesmaids to dance with.

See you tonight!!

[Chrysalid]

wow.. truly tough decision you have here FOBD.

I understand the resentment and hostility and not wanting to have a very important event tarnished by your wife's presence.

BUT.. as others have stated there is many good opportunities here to show how far you've come. She will no doubt be very uncomfortable and foresee that already and may choose not to come.

If she does go, then she will have a room full of bitter reminders to swallow and that could be a really good dose of medicine as you can't control how receptive people will be.

You also do not want to alienate your brother's new bride, after all she will be family now and you don't want her to resent you or try and use that as a wedge between you and your brother.

What if you happen to be very fortunate and repair your marriage ? There may be awkwardness down the road with your family members if you treat her like an outcast. Although our spouses certainly deserve it, it will do no good in the long run.

And you DO want to repair your marriage that's why you're here. So if you ban her from the family events you are telling her you no longer want her to be a part of your life or your family.

No-one likes to be excluded. We are all feeling this in one form or another. I know if my H were to tell me I couldn't go to a family event that I was invited to I'd be like 'F-you ! i'm going and there is nothing you can do about it!' but if he was earnest with me and he was decent about it, I would probably do the right thing and not attend to spare his feelings and mine. Perhaps you can try this approach with her.

just my thoughts.. Good Luck to you


Btw.. Can someone please tell me what BITS is? i'm still a newbie and clueless apparently.

[Redo]

Wow, seems like your family and your IL's are close. That is good. That always helps. And yea, I think you should take the higher ground and let your wife choose.

[mj144]

Basic DB technique says to do what ultimately will get you closer to your goal. If your goal is to push your W futher away, then call her right now and tell her she can't come.

I will refer to skills I am learning in my Dialectical Behavior Therapy class. You are thinking in 'emotional mind' regarding your thoughts to disinvite her. You need to be in 'wise mind'. That is to stay out of this. This is NOT your wedding. You are thinking emotionally and being selfish when you say its about you having a good time. What about your B and SIL's good time?

You have to realize that the thought of going to the wedding will weigh heavily on your W's mind as well. She will be thinking about a lot of different things while deciding whether she even wants to go. What if the wedding triggers something in her mind while there that jump starts moving towards a R? You will never know if it would create that opportunity or not if you don't let her come. You have a greater chance to create a positive outcome with her at the wedding vs. you not letting her. It will potentially create tremendous resentment. I think this can be a great DB opportunity. I would NOT recommend taking a date.

Don't get me wrong, FOBD, my gut instincts mirror exactly the way your initial post reads. F her. Ultimately, if you want to save your M, you need to do things that get you closer to that goal. That, and the fact that it is not your wedding screams to the fact that you are venturing into territory that you don't want to tread.

Any way you look at it, it is not going to be fun. Even if she is not there, you will be thinking about your W the whole time whether you want to or not. I went through the same thing after I split w/ my 1st W. It wasn't my brothers wedding, but my buddy who was like a brother to me. I couldn't help myself from crying as the ceremony was going on. As you can imagine, they were not tears of joy for the bride and groom. My XW didn't need to be there for me to be miserable.

You will need to monitor your alchohol intake either way, as well...

Remember....wise mind.

B.I.T.S.

[ScaredinCanada]

Btw.. Can someone please tell me what BITS is? i'm still a newbie and clueless apparently.

Brothers in the $hit. FOBD founded this amazing group, it's just a number of us men all going through the same sitch. I must add I think there have a been few female members join in...but the acronym has remained the same!

BITS
SIC

[ScaredinCanada]

Oops. Forgot to add...

I stand by my original comments, and will add.

To be totally honest I think it has very little with your BIL/SIL making the decision. I would imagine in most cases they would send the invite and allow the both of you to make the decision that best suits the two of you.

Also, by asking her not to attend I'm assuming it will be done in a pleasant way as to not iritate the sitch. I simply believe taking the control would be something that would empower you and may even lead to your W be curious, because she probably expects that you want her there.

You never did address whether you've actually discussed or know if your W really wants to go?

Anyways, again good luck.

BITS
SIC