Frustrated, Back Again, the Saga continues

[lostinscared]

Yes, go BACK and talk to your W and tell her to BACK OFF.

Consider this. You tell your W that you want her to choose where to live. In actuality, that's not true, you want your W to live with you. So when she chooses to leave, you feel you need to take things into your own hands. You contact her boss and tell him/her what is going on and tell him/her that your W needs to be spoken to. Or... you contact a counselor. And you force your W to see that counselor. This, all in hopes, that your W will feel better and come home to you. Sounds like a plan, right?? I mean your W would love that and this would yield good results because, of course, this is for your W's own good! It's a recipe for disaster. And I am not really clear as to why people think that children feel any different.

Your D might need counseling. But she cannot be forced into it. Let me restate, she can be forced into it, but it won't yield the results that W is hoping for. And having that occur at school is really invading her "safe zone." There's a better way. Which I think you agree with. JMO.

Good luck to you and I'm praying for you.

LIS

[MrBond]

Tell your W that your D has made the choice and she has to respect that. She asked your D and your D gave an answer she didn't like. Too bad. Any further "C" will stress her out.

Also tell your W that you do not want her to speak to the HS C. You are her parent also and your W needs to respect your rights as well.

[Xabian]

Thanks for the advice guys, will consider.

Issue has not gone away. W drove D15 to school again this morning. I get an emai at work from W saying a talk with D did not go well and W is VERY upset. Again, W tried to convince D to go live with her. I guess D said she would only live with W 'as long as she had to'.

I find this heart wrenching myself, that as a mother your D doesn't want to be with you. It sounds like D is blaming W for all this (perceptive?). I have not spoken badly or placed blame on W, but the M in general. Is D that more perceptive? Perhaps. I do not like this resentment towards one parent though. I will have to have a long discussion with her very soon.

W emailed high school counsellor this morning telling the situation and asking for intervention. She did this without asking me. I do NOT think this is cool and I agree that school should be a safe zone. I will set up separate C for the kids which would be better i think. I have to respond quickly to W about this...i just have to figure out how to.

Things have got messy, but now my W sees its not all easy sailing.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Xabian, right now as far as your daughter is concerned you are the important parent to be with. Why?
You are the template on what she will base all her future relationships with. You are safe to flirt with, experiment on, etc.etc. plus you're also her protector.
Your wife has done her job as far as daughter's development goes by having nutured her during the baby years and shown her how a woman behaves, looks, etc.

At this point fathers just don't realise how important they are in their children's lives, and you are.

[MrBond]

Firmly tell your W that you do not agree with her actions and that she needs to respect your D's wishes. It's typical WAS behavior in that she thinks everyone should agree with her and doesn't understand why everyone is not following in step with her.

You have to send her a message first that what she decides to do with her life is one thing. But what you and everyone else decides to do is up to them.

[Xabian]

You're right on that Mr Bond. My WAW is in her own bubble and thinks she can do no wrong right now.

W has approached me several times since yesterday asking what i meant by promising D15 a car when she can drive. I had to clarify 3 ways that i (1) offered to D a cheap car, if i could afford it, so she could be mobile between parents (2) and as a way of making D feel ok with living with her mom a bit and being able to see me whenever. Of course W seems to have taken it as i am buying D off with favoritism...when i was actually trying to do W a favor. I kind of knew D15 might choose to live with me right off the bat. My intuition was right. W is quite worked up about this car thing since it doesnt fit her masterplan. I'm perplexed why this is an issue.

I could choose to ignore W's ranting or appease her and discuss this a bit with D to lessen expectations. I was only trying to mellow the situation with something i thought was reasonable however now I see this coparenting is gonna be tough.

[lostinscared]

Wow! That's all I can say. W is really upset that D doesn't want to live with her. Xabian, I'm sorry that you are in the middle of it.

It's time for you to firmly plant your foot DOWN. You don't want your daughter forced into C. And if you want to buy a car for your D, then you can. You are not the one who left the marriage and you are not the one who has done and said things with ulterior motives. And you are not the one to be blamed because your D made a decision to live with you. Now, think of a nicer way to say these things and SAY THEM.

Take care of yourself.

LIS

[Mach1]

W emailed high school counsellor this morning telling the situation and asking for intervention. She did this without asking me. I do NOT think this is cool and I agree that school should be a safe zone.

It's not cool, and also not what is best for your D...

I will set up separate C for the kids which would be better i think. I have to respond quickly to W about this...i just have to figure out how to.

Easy there X...

This is what she did to you, and you see how it bothered you...

This appears to have become a "pawn" game between the two of you right now....

Each trying to show who has control over, of all things, a life you created.

She is not a pawn in this, and will end up resenting both of you if this continues to happen...

I have been through this myself, watching a MLCer try to impose their "control" over children. It is not pretty , nor is it just.

Please document everything that is going on with this right now. If this becomes even stickier, you will need that information. And if it isn't documented, it didn't happen.

Please keep your daughter at the forefront of your thoughts when these decisions are made. Make those decisions with your head and not your heart.

Things have got messy, but now my W sees its not all easy sailing.

I feel for ya man....I have been there , and its not easy.