One day feeling strong, the next day feeling weak.
Looking at my post from yesterday, it sounds like there could be some posturing going on there. Maybe a little over compensating to mask the underlying pain.
No doubt daily repetition of my vows is going to serve me. I know I must rise above the drama of my own conflicting thoughts. I must manage my emotions. And I must beware of being dragged down into any kind of victimesque dialogue or behavior.
Still, there are plenty of insecurities I know I'm still covering up. The one that haunts me most this morning is what Beckie said the other day...
"Right from the start we have never had the kind of chemistry, lust or passion with each other that I desire. I've been lying to myself for 4 years, telling myself that we could get there."
If she had only said this once, I might not be so uncertain, but she has said it so often lately, and there is actually so much evidence to support that view, I feel it has now become an indisputable truth for her.
So immediately my resolve, my proclamations of undying love and unconditional support, my feelings of being okay even with her in another man's arms...are all being squarely tested.
Fortunately, I have a DBing session with coach Chuck today. I was a little disappointed with the way the previous coaching session ended with coach Laurie. I had managed to get Beckie on the call, and although it was a very good discussion, there was no arranging or promise of a next appointment. It was a delicate thing to handle though, and I see that my disappointment could very well just be more of me trying to force or control the outcome of things. A very bad habit I must break.
So. On with our story.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
