What next???

[sarahani]

Warrior, I loved what you said everything sounds so right but I messed up this weekend and I think I did very bad.

I've been very kind to him and have been driving the kids back and forth to see him for the past 4 months so on Saturday I went to pick up D and he had this mean look on his face. I'm just going to make a long story short and say that he was so mean to me that he made me cry 3 times within 15 minutes while I waited for my daughter to get ready. I backslid big time and handed him the divorce papers I had in my purse, it was so stupid of me but I acted out of impulse.

I think I just want to go dark and have "me" time I don't think I've seen anywhere on DB that I need to take this emotional abuse from him just because I want my my R to work out. He's so mean to me and hurts my feelings over and over it is crazy but then when we talk he tells me you did nothing wrong it's me. He keeps saying you are WEAK I don't know what he means by this ughhhhh.

[warriorshadow]

Sarahini,

I know this stuff is so very, very difficult. You are right about

not having to take the emotional abuse. There seems to be very few

LBS that escape the emotional trauma that the MLC'r can't seem to

realize they are projecting out.

As far as making mistakes in this journey, I have made many but

anybody else that goes through this makes the same mistakes. I

feel that is because the way to deal with someone in MLC is so

very foreign in a life that has previously consisted of treating

your spouse with love and respect.

So what I have found, is that any mistakes that were made don't end up

being the dealbreaker you think it may be. Just because you gave

him papers does not make you divorced.

At this point you can leave the ball in his court and watch what

happens. You know this MLC stuff can take YEARS right? If he

truly is in MLC, it is highly unlikely that anything major will

happen soon.

If you read enough posts from some of the women here that are

going through this journey as an LBS, you will see there is

nothing fast about any of this. If it does happen to go fast,

I keep reading that most of the early returned MLC'rs end up

being way worse for the LBS because they have not looked within

to fix themselves. You do NOT want an early return!!!

That concept, is so difficult in the beginning days because the

MLC behavior is so bizzare and unpredictable. BUT the responses

the MLC'r spews and the actions they perform have been seen over

and over again through these threads.

That puts you in quite a spot, doesn't it? What is taught here

is to forget about him right now and dig into yourself. That did

not become a little clearer to me until I got a chance to dig

into what that meant. You will also see that preached over and

over here too.

It is good to vent here though. By you sharing what is going on

in your life, others will see the similarities in their own sitch

and will be able to relate.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to let him blow

in the wind. That is what being detached is all about. The MLC'r

is so insensitive to other peoples feelings that it makes no

sense to anybody that is emotionally stable.

YOU WANT TO BE THE STABLE ONE!!

Not only that,

YOU GET TO BE THE STABLE ONE THROUGH THIS!!

What a wonderful place to be !!!!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This, up here, takes TIME to grasp for yourself.


TIME IS WHAT YOU GET IN ABUNDANCE NOW!!!!

You will literally drive yourself crazy trying to anticipate his

moves and what he is doing or saying.

Realize you can't fix him or persuade or punish or hypnotize ( I

thought that might work) or impact his decisions, or...or..or...



It is time to channel that energy that would have been wasted,

into the part of the journey you did not ask for. There are

many here that will help you with this. If you do transfer that

energy into finding what makes Sarahani calm, peaceful, happy,

then the part about your H calling you weak will roll right off

your back like it has for so many of the women here that have

taken this path before you.

THEN!!

When your H says you are weak? You will KNOW by the work that

you have done that he is full of IT!! It won't matter anymore

to you because you will have gained the strength that you need

to make it through no matter which way this goes.

WS

[sarahani]

Warrior,
Ty, ty, ty. You don't understand how much I appreciate all that you said.
Before reading what you had wrote I sent my husband a text telling him this is my new # and that when he would like we can go out and have coffee or something as friends. He replied!!! He said, "ok we will", he has never ever said that before. Whenever I have suggested such things he would literally laugh in my face and then e text me back and said I will buy you a car soon just be patient. Wow, I'm not going to read too much into what he said but I must say I felt better.

It's so hard to work on myself when I have 2 kids I'm home with all day not an excuse but it's the truth. I have enrolled back into college which I would have never done if all this hadn't happened. I just think it's going to take me longer than I want to really detach as I was so dependant on him. In essence my life revolved around him and I think that's why he keeps referring to me as weak. One of the major changes I need to make is to become financially independent and that is going to take some time. I made him my everything and when he left I lost everything...it's time to pick up the pieces and get myself together.

[sarahani]

So I am back again, I backslid really badly and have been doing some really bad DB’ing. I don’t even want to get into the details of how badly I’ve been doing, it’s kinda embarrassing!

Here it goes attempt # 2...

I have a question for anyone willing to help me out…how do you go dark if you have kids?

[seeking answers]

SH,

Dark is next to impossible when you have kids. You go what's called 'being dim'. This means that you only contact your H when it has to do with kids or finances. If you have to contact him about either one, make sure that is necessary and isn't about something that you could handle on your own.