Not Counting Chickens Yet...

[2stepboogie]

Hope,

What you are doing has earned my respect a thousand fold!!! To stand when everyone would understand if you gave up is real courage. That is true love. The love that sees the wrong and yet forgives. The love that fights even when there seems that there is nothing worth fighting for. That is true love. When I visited my W in OK I told her I would love for us to work things out but I would not do it at the price of losing myself. I stand by that comment today. I would give anything in the world to save my marriage but I will not compromise my morals and principles for it because after the dust settles I still have to look at myself in the mirror and I have to like what I see.

However we each have that threshold we will not cross you have to find yours. Have you read the 5 Love languages? If not I suggest you do. I started it last night and it was a real eye opener, I think that book with MWD advice is a recipe for success. Be patient and stay focused. For every mistake you make be grateful, that mistake you'll never make again.

[2stepboogie]

Hope,

What you are doing has earned my respect a thousand fold!!! To stand when everyone would understand if you gave up is real courage. That is true love. The love that sees the wrong and yet forgives. The love that fights even when there seems that there is nothing worth fighting for. That is true love. When I visited my W in OK I told her I would love for us to work things out but I would not do it at the price of losing myself. I stand by that comment today. I would give anything in the world to save my marriage but I will not compromise my morals and principles for it because after the dust settles I still have to look at myself in the mirror and I have to like what I see.

However we each have that threshold we will not cross you have to find yours. Have you read the 5 Love languages? If not I suggest you do. I started it last night and it was a real eye opener, I think that book with MWD advice is a recipe for success. Be patient and stay focused. For every mistake you make be grateful, that mistake you'll never make again.

[hope2011]

Day 1 of trip. 7 hour car ride went well. Perfect opportunity to really talk and I chickened out.

[zengypsy]

(((HOPE))))!

I was wondering where you have been. I totally forgot you had the trip with H. Don't be too rough on yourself - it wasn't the right time. Another opp will present itself and you willbe confident to take advantage of it!

I'll be thinking of you!

[hope2011]

Ah internet, sweet internet, how I have missed you!

Sorry I've been MIA from the board. Either I had no internet or no privacy while on-line to check in here. Got home last night but had no time for the computer until now. Seems I missed quite a bit with some of you! Will catch up by tomorrow.

The trip went well. Actually wonderful. Drive there was good, stay was good, H wants to take me on more work trips, we laughed a lot, ML a lot, had fun. Definitely glad I went. I think he's glad he took me.

On the way home I messed up a bit. I wanted to make a stop at store we pass by to stretch my legs and to stop at the store. He refused. Just refused. He wanted to get home, my request didn't matter. It's not like I'm a big shopper. Stop by a store means 5 minutes tops. And it was a 7 hour drive, my legs were hurting. But no, he wouldn't stop. I tried not to complain about it but wow, it stung. Being dismissed and treated like a child is not fun.

And that got me thinking that he's in the driver seat. With ALL of this! The marriage, our life together, everything. He calls every single shot. Where we live, where we go, what we do, even how the house is decorated. I'm a passenger along for the ride in his life. This thought is irritating the heck out of me. I'm trying to just ignore it but it's really bugging me. I don't want to be in the passenger seat in my own life. He is making feel less of a woman - I can't decorate (his) the house (because he doesn't like my decorating), I don't cook (because he and the boys make fun of my cooking), I can't have kids (because he changed his mind after we got married), he never says I look pretty (but he'll tell me I need to go work out). So I'm working overtime trying to make him feel respected and more manly and I'm just an asexual passenger cheerleading for him. Ugh.

Today was ok but H snapped again. I'm packing up my office to move so it's a mess right now. I had to move some things out into the hall to organize and box stuff up. For 1 day. Not a big disaster, just 1 day. Not even in his way (on a different floor of the house). H started huffing and puffing about how boxes are touching the walls (not making any marks or scratches). He just has to have things his way all the time. Did he offer to help me pack? No. Isn't he the one complaining about my office at home and telling me I had to move it out for the last year? Yes. So why complain? Why not help? Why make me feel so unwelcome in my own house?

The trip was great, it was. He's been trying hard too. He's gone out of his way to bring me coffee or do things I want to do. He did stop anywhere I wanted to on the way down to the trip. He's trying hard to not lose his temper and be kind to me. I know Rome wasn't built in a day and we have a long way to go. But I can't shake this mood, even though I'm trying hard to not let H see it. I'm thinking too much. I just want to stop walking on eggshells, feel comfortable and loved and like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world to him and he'd never think of another woman, that he cares more about my happiness than having to have his own way all the time. I just want him to follow the Golden Rule a bit more. And I want me to stop looking for negatives and waiting for the sky to fall.

[hope2011]

Oh and still no R talk. I'm still chicken.

[Denver_2010]

Wow Hope. Your H continues to remind me of the old me every time you post. I'm not sure what is going to change with him under the present circumstances. I'm really unsure of the advice to give you here. I think that you are doing great with the things that we talked about earlier though. And it does seem to be making a positive impact. It's the selfish nature of your H, which I can relate very well to, that I'm not sure about. The my way or the highway attitude.

I think that for right now, I'd keep doing what you are doing and try to get the M on more solid foundation... keep putting distance from the WAS incident of a few weeks ago. Then reassess.

What kind of R talk are you wanting to have? Why are you in such a hurry?

BITS
Denver

[2stepboogie]

Hope,

Your H is me and I was him! At the time nothing my W could have done would of changed my mind or caused me any desire to change myself. Why would I change? She was the problem!

Obvisouly things have changed. I think you are doing a fantastic job but I hear my W in your complains. I am unsure as to what would of changed my mind or forced me to really look at myself at that time.

I am stuck with this because the thing that forced me to see the light is the very thing I don't want to happen. Have you scheduled a DB session or sought C in any form? What you need is a solution based approach here.

When I see myself in others I hate it. There is little doubt that he loves you very much, a lot of what I think he is doing is based on feeling comfortable with you and a little male ego. I know I am the king of EGO and now I am the court jester. Keep up your approach because what you are doing is having positive results.

[hope2011]

Denver and 2step... fly out here and take my H out for a beer?

R talk... because I'm insecure. Because after being completely disillusioned in December and thinking we were happy while he was on the dating site the whole time.... I need to know we're together. I need to know he's being faithful. I need to know he's in this 100%. Right now we're just happily moving along, pretending like all that didn't happen. I'm scared to rock the boat. Scared to bring it up. But I need to talk. I need to know. I need to feel close to him and I can't do that if we are scared to talk about things. I tried a bit of R talk this morning and asked if we were ok. Asked if I was a priority and not an option (per the old quote - "don't make someone a priority who only makes you an option" or something like that). Asked he was really committed to me. His response. "Yes, as long as you don't go psycho". Huh? WTH does that mean?! When I asked him what that meant, he couldn't answer. I asked if he meant as long as I don't get upset or disagree with him? He said no and laughed it off. Seriously, "psycho"?!?! Because I get upset when he joins a dating site or leaves me stranded in a car in the cold overnight? What woman wouldn't be upset? I don't scream, yell, throw things or make a spectacle of myself. In fact, the boys have no clue any of this has gone on so I'm doing a good job hiding my psychotic tendencies I guess. He's gotten off easy. Most women would've gone off the deep end if they found their H's on a dating site or they did / said the stuff he's done. What are the consequences he's dealt with? His W being nicer, trying to save the marriage, trying to understand him. Yeah, I'm a psycho witch. Let him cheat on me with a PA or EA and I will show him psycho. Ugh. He really doesn't get that he's pretty darn lucky I'm still here and love him and am trying hard to make both of us happy. This street goes both ways.

My H has a big ego, compounded by insecurity and selfishness = narcissism. When he's nice, he's amazing. When he's being a jerk, he's really a jerk. He's nice when he wants something or gets his way.... not because he's personally driven by compassion to just be nice. That sounds awful, but it's true. I know if I work to make him happy, he'll try to make me happy. He will never, ever be nice just to be nice. We are wired completely differently. I am too nice. Nice to everyone I know, nice to strangers. I'd throw myself in front of a bus to save someone else. That's how I was raised, that's my faith, that's who I am at the core. He's not like that. I honestly had no idea until we were married. He felt I treated him nice, therefore he was always nice so I had no clue. Then we got married and moved in together and if I didn't do what he wanted, when he wanted, how he wanted... I wasn't nice and therefore he didn't have be either.

I'm really battling with this because it's hard to trust him. I need to KNOW deep down that I can depend on him to always do the right thing, the nice thing. If I got sick, if I have a bad day, if I need him... will he be there? I don't know. If he thinks I'm being nice to him, yes, he will. If not, I'm on my own. But, no matter what... if he's hurt or needs help, I'm there. Things happen, I can't be nice and sweet and in a good mood 24/7 for the next 50 years. I'm human.

So do I spend the rest of my life being nice to him, walking around on eggshells, being a happy robot, hoping he'll be nice back? That's the question. No one should have to earn compassion. I just want to relax, to be able to breathe again, to trust him with my heart and soul, to know that today, tomorrow, 20 years from now... he'll be by my nice, kind, loyal, loving me no matter what. I want to believe deep down he's a good man who's scared. But I don't want to believe in a fantasy either.

Right now, he is being sweet. Amazing actually. He's been kind, attentive the past 2 days. Long back rub today (he's never done that since we've been married). Generous in ML, caring about me too. He even helped me with work stuff today, taking a ton of boxes to the post office for me and helping move them. He rarely ever helps with my work and this time, he didn't complain once. I didn't even ask him to go to the post office. My back is killing me today, I've been moving stuff for work for 2 days now so the back rub and taking that stuff for me has been wonderful. He's said ILY several times, even first a couple of times. He's not complained about my housekeeping, cooking, etc in a week. Today he talked with me about the boys and didn't get defensive or upset when I told him that I didn't like the way they talked to me or feeling left out. He even showed me texts from his XW (their mom) with her complaining that they were treating her the same way so that I didn't feel like it's just me. He's trying really, really hard. THIS is the guy I married. I just want to keep this guy.

I guess I just keep keeping on. Being positive around him, being supportive, being funny and fun. Being the wife he wants and needs. And hoping and praying he continues on the path he's on of trying to be a good H and hoping and praying he's being honest and faithful. DB'ing on faith.

[zengypsy]

When I see myself in others I hate it.

Wow 2 - this is a very powerful statement. Whenever you have doubt about your self growth, remember this. Isn't it cool that you have such awareness now?

Awesome!