Not Counting Chickens Yet...

[hope2011]

Ah internet, sweet internet, how I have missed you!

Sorry I've been MIA from the board. Either I had no internet or no privacy while on-line to check in here. Got home last night but had no time for the computer until now. Seems I missed quite a bit with some of you! Will catch up by tomorrow.

The trip went well. Actually wonderful. Drive there was good, stay was good, H wants to take me on more work trips, we laughed a lot, ML a lot, had fun. Definitely glad I went. I think he's glad he took me.

On the way home I messed up a bit. I wanted to make a stop at store we pass by to stretch my legs and to stop at the store. He refused. Just refused. He wanted to get home, my request didn't matter. It's not like I'm a big shopper. Stop by a store means 5 minutes tops. And it was a 7 hour drive, my legs were hurting. But no, he wouldn't stop. I tried not to complain about it but wow, it stung. Being dismissed and treated like a child is not fun.

And that got me thinking that he's in the driver seat. With ALL of this! The marriage, our life together, everything. He calls every single shot. Where we live, where we go, what we do, even how the house is decorated. I'm a passenger along for the ride in his life. This thought is irritating the heck out of me. I'm trying to just ignore it but it's really bugging me. I don't want to be in the passenger seat in my own life. He is making feel less of a woman - I can't decorate (his) the house (because he doesn't like my decorating), I don't cook (because he and the boys make fun of my cooking), I can't have kids (because he changed his mind after we got married), he never says I look pretty (but he'll tell me I need to go work out). So I'm working overtime trying to make him feel respected and more manly and I'm just an asexual passenger cheerleading for him. Ugh.

Today was ok but H snapped again. I'm packing up my office to move so it's a mess right now. I had to move some things out into the hall to organize and box stuff up. For 1 day. Not a big disaster, just 1 day. Not even in his way (on a different floor of the house). H started huffing and puffing about how boxes are touching the walls (not making any marks or scratches). He just has to have things his way all the time. Did he offer to help me pack? No. Isn't he the one complaining about my office at home and telling me I had to move it out for the last year? Yes. So why complain? Why not help? Why make me feel so unwelcome in my own house?

The trip was great, it was. He's been trying hard too. He's gone out of his way to bring me coffee or do things I want to do. He did stop anywhere I wanted to on the way down to the trip. He's trying hard to not lose his temper and be kind to me. I know Rome wasn't built in a day and we have a long way to go. But I can't shake this mood, even though I'm trying hard to not let H see it. I'm thinking too much. I just want to stop walking on eggshells, feel comfortable and loved and like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world to him and he'd never think of another woman, that he cares more about my happiness than having to have his own way all the time. I just want him to follow the Golden Rule a bit more. And I want me to stop looking for negatives and waiting for the sky to fall.