I have done everything wrong....

[islander]

Another day of darkness. A little easier today, but I still found myself crying a little. I know that going dark is out of love, and not hatred. I remind myself of that when I question what I am doing. This is for the benefit of our M, and also for myself.

So far, my W has not contacted me today. I worry that she will just completely forget about me.

[islander]

^^^^^^^

[islander]

W just text me wanting to know if I want to do lunch on Tuesday. I want to say yes, but I think I should completely ignore her and not respond. Any thoughts???

[Grocerykartman]

I would not ignore her entirely, you should at least respond. Despite everything she's doing right now, it would also be rude on your part not to acknowledge her.

Now, as far whether or not you accept...

I vote FOR going to lunch with her, but maybe picking a different day LATER, and especially if Tuesday is not "all that" convenient for you. Go, but do not discuss the relationship at all. I think she's at least throwing you a social olive branch, and that you should meet her on a "friendly" basis. She may need to discuss important matters with you that you can't avoid forever. But, go only if you can manage to go and not get all emotional on her. If relationship talk comes up from her, you need to simply and calmly say that you just don't want to get into that right now, let's just have a nice lunch. You need an excuse to get out too, kind of like on a first date, if things get too uncomfortable in the event she insists on talking about it.

That's just one vote though...but I should point out it's not contradictory to detaching, or even going dark. You didn't initiate lunch, and your guard will be up at it regarding your relationship, so that's two ways to think about it.

[islander]

I am going to wait to get more input and pray on it before I respond. She really needs to miss me I think, and if I meet her for lunch i think she will go back to not missing me. Idk.

Me going dark is COMPLETELY the opposite of what she expects me to do. I know it is getting to her. But it has only been 5 days since we have actually spoke to each other, really not that long. I almost think she needs to know wha it is going to be like if she follows through with the D. I am struggling with this.

[Denver_2010]

Again, I agree with Grocery. I'd vote for you going to lunch with her, but tell her that you can't on that day bc you are 'busy'. Pick another day. That's my 2 cents. You are doing great Islander!!!!

BITS
Denver

[islander]

Ok. With two votes for me to go to lunch with her I will. I just sent her a text that I was busy Tuesday, but maybe we could do lunch on Wednesday. I think that sounded alright, not needy and a little detached. I will update when I get a response.

I am nearing 100 posts. What happens then. Do I need to start a new thread. If I do, do I just copy and paste the web adress from my original thread in the new thread?

[Denver_2010]

Yes and yes to your last 2 questions there. Dbmod with close out this thread at some point, so you might as well take the initiative to start a new thread.

Make sure to let us know when you are going to lunch so that we can shoot you some encouragement and DB reminders before you go.

BITS
Denver

[FellOnBlackDays]

Islander,
Sorry I am late to the party, but I just got caught up on your sitch. Let me just throw in a few points. Denver and Grocery have nailed it. Listen to them.

But, just a few things to think about:

1) DON'T SEND THE LETTER. I know you said you wouldn't, but I want to make sure you don't change your mind later. DON'T SEND THE LETTER! I can tell you this because I did send my letter and it went awful. The entire point of the letter was missed completely by my W and she responded with a horrible letter that crushed my soul. Nothing good will come from this letter. Here is what my C told me to do and I think it is sound advice. Whenever you feel the need to write a letter to her, do it. Put whatever you want in there. Curse, spit, cry, yell, it doesn't matter, write what you feel. Then put the letter in a box and hide the box where no one can find it. Writing the letter will get these feelings off your chest but they can't do any damage sitting in that box.

2) Don't do anything to relieve her of her guilt. I have been preaching this all night. Listen to me, man. SHE LEFT YOU AND YOU DON'T OWE HER ANYTHING! If she feels guilty, GOOD. Let her have to sit neck deep in this sh*t she has doled out. If she can't eat b/c of the guilt, good. Is she can't sleep b/c of the guilt, good. She has done nothing to relieve you of your pain, so there is no need to help her with hers.

3) Don't confront the OM. That will also go badly. Nothing good will come from it. Don't contact his W either. Nothing good will come from that in any situation. You could find yourself in some deep trouble. Two wrongs don't make a right.

4) Yes, going dark is hard. Very, very hard. But, listen to Denver. It works. I had to go dark with my W for six weeks. In 15 years together, we never went more than 24 hours without speaking to each other. It will work. She needs to feel that fear that you could be walking away also. Don't shelter her from that fear.

5) Good job on delaying the lunch. But remember this while you are there. Don't talk about R. Smile, be polite, "acknowledge and apologize," and do nothing else. Don't ask for another date soon and don't talk about the future unless it is you telling her about something you are going to do.

Keep up the good work! Yes, it is dark right now and it probably feels like the walls are closing in on you. I was there a few months ago. But, there are brighter days ahead, I promise.

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD

[islander]

FOBD, Thanks for your input.
I have decided not to contact the OM or his W.
I am not going to send W the letter I wrote. I will take the advice I have been given and let my actions speak for me. Actions are more important than anything I could possibly say.
I want her to feel guilty for what she has done, and I will not relieve her of any of it. That is one of the benefits of going dark I guess.

W just responded to my text and wrote ok. I am going to wait for her to contact me about the lunch again. I will put it back on her.

I am very nervous a out having lunch with W. It is strange to feel that way. I hope I did not make a mistake. It is literally killing me inside that my formerly intelligent W fell so low and is now living with OM. I will restrain myself during our lunch. It will be a first for me though. I cant even imagine what we are going to talk about.

I can't figure out how to start a new thread.