good advice tjack. Reading your post I was imagining someone's W opening gifts on Christmas morning and being dissapointed because each one was something HE really wanted her to have not what she asked for.
I think "I know. I know." Then, suddenly, I've forgotten again. Up and down. Learning the hard way.
Is it normal for a WAW to abandon anyone that doesnt agree with what she is doing? Her twin sister used to be her closest friend, unfortunately closer than we were as husband and wife. I trust my sister in law as well, always have. I have never gotton in the way of their friendship. My wife doesnt even talk to her anymore unless she needs a place to stay or a ride for the kids. They arent close at all since my wife dropped the bomb. My sister in law feels extremely left out and confused. Says "she has changed alot". Is this a sign of any sort? My wife gives her twin and me the same stories and alibies for her actions. Maybe they aren't allibies but they are just the truth. i just don't know. Her behavior is just so out of character. I am having a weak few minutes here, been reading alot and it has stirred my mind up.
Shaves, I was away for a time, but I see you are still doing great. Very happy to see that. Mistakes are a mf'er because they come nicely packaged with regret. But a wise man once told me the following: "Good people don't make bad decisions on purpose. They make the best decision they can with the information they have at that moment. If it turns out to be a bad decision, they should not feel ashamed. They did the best they could with what they had at that time."
Pretty cool, huh? Just think about that the next time you start to focus on your mistakes with your W and M. Then turn your mind to the fact that you will do better the next time around because you have grown as a person.
BITS never walk alone!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
I like the quote. So true, still have alot of regret from the past though. Can't believe how much pride and stubborness can effect our lives. I had a hiccup last nite, hope it doesnt set me back too far. I guess I still have trust issues. She wasnt completely honest with me about going to a bar and seeing a band with her sister. I found out about it and left her a text about her not showing trust. Of course she got defensive and says she was not doing anything wrong. We spoke this morning, and she understands, but said if I continue to act this way, things will get worse between us. I feel alot better today, I needed a good nites sleep. Thats all it took for me to get some confidence back. I need to keep on the detach wagon. I cant change that she chooses going to the bar over being with her family. Her family to her right now is the kids ONLY. If I am around, she keeps at a long distance.
Shaves, I want to address your earlier post. Yes, it does seem to be normal behavior for WAS's to dump old friends. My W has done the same thing. I asked my C about this and he also said that it is normal. Apparently, they will abandon certain people out of shame and guilt. They don't want to be around people that don't approve of what they are doing. My W has pretty much cut off all contact with any of the couples we hung out with when we were together. They will also dump anyone that doesn't approve of their actions. My W has a new band of friends that I don't really know and they support her actions. So, she hangs around them constantly and has pretty much dumped anyone that might go against her "master plan." She has turned her back on my family at times and has really made an enemy out of my sister who was once her best friend.
It is pretty sad, really. Some of these folks have called me to find out what is going on. They are hurt that she has done this. When they ask me why, I tell them to call her. After a couple of drinks one day, my FIL broke down and confessed to me that she doesn't even talk to him that much any more. Her own family is starting to worry. WAS's are some screwed up individuals, no doubt. They think they have it all figured out. But what they don't realize is that many of those around them aren't celebrating their actions, they are pitying them for their lack of judgment and civility. That is irony so thick that you can cut it with a knife. They really do live in their own little dream world complete with tiny little action figures they can push around for their amusement.
Hang in there, you are doing fine.
BITS never walk alone!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
Shaves, as far as your W distancing herself from her sister, I think that is all normal. I always try to think of things by putting myself in the others position. She doesn't want to be with you. She has her reasons based on how your relationship was lived from HER point of view. She is done. If you were in the same position where you FELT that way, I'm sure you too would distance yourself from people who were telling you to reconsider your FEELINGS or saying she shouldn't FEEL that way. Remember this process has nothing to do with LOGIC (W, you shouldn't be with anyone else until this marriage is final, you may a vow for better or worse, I will change). This separation/divorce is an emotional decision based on life through their eyes. SHE HAS A RIGHT TO FEEL HOW EVER SHE IS FEELING AND BY CHALLENGING THOSE FEELINGS THEY ONLY GET FURTHER INGRAINED.
Questioning her about her whereabouts or whether or not she was truthful is a bad idea in my opinion. Right now she doesn't need/ want to have trust with you. She doesn't need/want to tell you what she is doing. Detaching...Set her free from your mind. Keep posting here if she is lying or being deceitful to you if you need a place to vent. Let her go though, she is the one that has to live with her (bad) decisions.
Okay, need some advice. My wife has said many times recently "want this to go well between us". I think she means, when she moves out, that we do not do hurtful things to each other to make our lives more difficult. She also seeks my constant approval for her as a mother. It comes up everytime we are together. Right now, she spends a ton of time on herself, and a suitable amount of time with the kids, but not as much as when things were normal (before in house separation). She also asks "I want to know what you think of me?" I really dont know what to tell her. She also has been buying the kids things here and there to what I feel is spoiling them. Not big things, but alot more "suprizes" than before. What is she doing? I think she has alot of guilt building that the family is going to be split. But she still is 120% sure she is moving out. Still never ever sets her phone out, never leaves her side. This is very hard for me not to point this out. It really seems like she is hiding something. When she is done texting or what ever it always goes face down or back in her pocket. If she isn't doing anything fishy, why so secretive? Why seek my approval as a mother? I know I have a ways to go to loose my interest in her life away from me. I wish I could flip the switch.
My wife has said many times recently "want this to go well between us". I think she means, when she moves out, that we do not do hurtful things to each other to make our lives more difficult. She also seeks my constant approval for her as a mother.
It's up to you how to live your life... If this ends in divorce the best thing you can do for your kids is be respectful and polite to their mother. Often you see divorced couples that say bad things about their parents to the kids, fight in front of them....whatever.. all this really does is hurt the kids. they love you both. never put them between your differences. That's why it's best to just develop that civil, business like approach to your waw right now. Let the anger go, let the control go and come to peace.
what do you think of her.... hmm well tell her you just want her to be happy and fulfilled in life and you want the same for yourself. Tell her you understand why she feels why this marriage has to end and you are just trying to understand and come to terms with where you went wrong. As far as her buying gifts for the kids... who knows why... it's mind reading as to why she does what she does and it will get you no where.
the phone... I'll say it again those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. do you always ask her about it?... do you always act upset when she does it... even if you say nothing, your body language or actions will tell her exactly what you are thinking. Obviously she doesn't really care about your feelings right now, so by doing those same things, you will get the same results... It's all part of letting go. What if you didn't ever say a damn thing about it... what if she could tell you didn't give a flip about what she did? Change the way you act and the dynamics of your relationship will change...
Shaves, Guilt is the first mental response that a WAS has to face. My W confessed to me a few weeks ago that she was seeing a C right after we S'ed and it was because she could not deal with the guilt. That is more than likely what is driving her actions right now regarding her need for you to reassure her. Please keep in mind, what you do when she begs for reassurance is your decision. She is the one leaving and you technically, "don't owe her anything." I don't see any reason why you should relieve her of her guilt. My W tried the same stuff with me. I smiled politely and left the subject alone. You might want to let her "twist in the wind" for some time. You didn't give her this guilt and you don't have to be the one to help her with it.
When my W cried and told me she was struggling with the guilt of leaving, I smiled and replied, "I don't think I can help you with that." I wasn't an *ss about it, but I was not going to "carry the cross" for her. Just keep that in mind.
As for the cell phone thing, I am sorry to have to say this, but she is up to something. TJ is correct. Those who have nothing to hide will hide nothing. You are going to have to be the one to decide whether or not you want to see what is on that phone. Frankly, it is probably nothing good and you should probably leave that alone. That is a "Pandora's Box," my friend, and you will not be able to control what comes out of it once you open it... Just keep that in mind also.
Hold it together. You can do this!
BITS never walk alone!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
