Someone suggest H is having a MLC....I don't know?

[Queen_of_Swords]

So then, what's a reasonable time frame in your opinion?
I thought 2-3 weeks was a reasonable assessment time given DB principles. cheeseless tunnels and all that.

[Truegritter]

So then, what's a reasonable time frame in your opinion?

As long as it takes...

It is up to you if you have the will to stay that long.

You were married for 27 years?

Is three weeks long enough for you?

Only you can say.

cheeseless tunnels and all that.

Is it a cheeseless tunnel for you to decide something for yourself, regardless of what your spouse is choosing at the moment,

rather, in spite of what your spouse is choosing at the moment...

Because you took a vow to do so?

More importantly, would love define that as a cheesless tunnel?

What would love choose right now?

[Queen_of_Swords]

Truegritter,
I think that going black may be the best thing to do for a couple reasons.

We have been separated for 16 months. During that time our contact has been sporadic and intermittent at best and each time the intervals of contact got longer and longer spread apart (mostly by his wish), culminating in the bomb of Jan 11. Since then I've gone dark but not black.

He appears to be quite content with the situation as it is. So for me it isn't just the last 3+ weeks that is significant.

The only times he contacts me are when it's time for his visitation with the kids, he texts me that he's on his way and his ETA and if I pick up the phone on his nightly calls to the kids to say goodnight. Silence is his preferred method of dealing with conflict, or uncomfortable situations - not mine.

This is why just going dark from my POV is a cheeseless tunnel.

If I do go black. He'll have to make a special effort to speak to me. He already is aware that often times when he texts I get them with a significant time delay, so that method isn't the greatest.

True I'm gonna be upfront. I'm tired, I'm frustrated, confused, and to me, we're as good as divorced. We're certainly living that way.

He gets to live the life of a single, carefree man, and I've got the responsibility and drudgery that he left behind.

AS to what love would say...I haven't a clue. I don't know which way to jump.
Is it loving to let myself be treated as a daycare worker?
Is it loving to let a situation continue where he's comfortable and I am in acute discomfort?
Is it loving to do DBing at all?
Is it loving to myself to let this situation continue any longer than it has to?

[Truegritter]

True I'm gonna be upfront. I'm tired, I'm frustrated, confused, and to me, we're as good as divorced. We're certainly living that way.

He gets to live the life of a single, carefree man, and I've got the responsibility and drudgery that he left behind.

I know how you feel.

Is it his fault you feel that way? Whose feelings are they?

AS to what love would say...I haven't a clue. I don't know which way to jump.
Is it loving to let myself be treated as a daycare worker?
Is it loving to let a situation continue where he's comfortable and I am in acute discomfort?
Is it loving to do DBing at all?
Is it loving to myself to let this situation continue any longer than it has to?

I am going to be upfront with you too.

Everything up there describes what your H is doing to you.

Your cheeseless tunnel is looking at this as if you are a victim of someone's bad behavior and poor choices.

You can move on from that but you will still see yourself that way unless you choose differently.

A funny thing happens the longer you endure pain...

you either give up or

You find what you are seeking through the suffering.

Have you found your answer yet?

Is the answer for you that your H treats you badly, and is not giving you what you want right now

... and you are finally ready to tell him to pee up a rope?

Are you going to let someone make choices for you?

Because this all your choice. If you are going to suffer don't do it for H. He doesn't give sh!t right now.

Why should you?

We don't die from a snake bite, we die from the venom.

[Grace_O]

He'll have to make a special effort to speak to me.

And if he doesn't? What does that mean for your kids?

He gets to live the life of a single, carefree man, and I've got the responsibility and drudgery that he left behind.

There were times I thought this way too ( D's live with me 24/7 and H lives 70 ish miles away. He does not see them during the week and visits one day on the weekend). Now I look a it as I get to have all this time with D's. I get to be there for all the moments (good and bad). Does this mean they won't have a close R with thim? I don't know, that's really up to them. But, all these moments are lost to him. The memories are mine to keep.

Is it loving to let a situation continue where he's comfortable and I am in acute discomfort?

I so know this one. My H has come into my home for 3 years, once a week to visit (most of the time he and D's spend the day here). Would it be better for me to not have him here? Yes. Would it be better for D's? No. Why? In my case, I think the contact would diminish. Is that my responsibility? No. What I have learned is that it is love that allows me to be ok with this now. Love for D's and even love for H.

Is this some form of denial or false hope? No. It is the way I can live with myself. Knowing that I did the best I could, for everyone, including me.

We all know how hard this is. Ultimately you will have to decide what you can or can't do and what is best for your family. You are not a daycare worker though. You are a Mom, there is nothing more important and more amazing than that.

HUGS

[Queen_of_Swords]

I know how you feel.

Is it his fault you feel that way? Whose feelings are they?
I am going to be upfront with you too.

He is not responsible for my feelings, so I've been told, over and over. That doesn't relieve my tiredness, allieviate my frustration, or bring clarity to my confusion for the length of time I've been living it.

The fact is H left me holding primary responsibility for our family on my head.

Everything up there describes what your H is doing to you.

Your cheeseless tunnel is looking at this as if you are a victim of someone's bad behavior and poor choices.

I don't quite get what you mean here with the reference to a cheeseless tunnel and victimhood.

He's not responding to the change in my behaviour after 3 + weeks. To me, it means it's time to switch things up or change my behaviour again, according to DB. If I'm wrong, I can accept that, but to wait a year or longer for going semi-dark vs black to effect change? I don't believe that's reasonable. How are you going to possibly know it's not just all lovely as far H is concerned after that length of time passes or the new "normal".

You can move on from that but you will still see yourself that way unless you choose differently.

A funny thing happens the longer you endure pain...

you either give up or

You find what you are seeking through the suffering.

Have you found your answer yet?

If I had would I still be posting here?

Is the answer for you that your H treats you badly, and is not giving you what you want right now

... and you are finally ready to tell him to pee up a rope?

I'm getting to the point of telling him exactly that.

There are days I want to seriously shake him and whack him with a two by four, scream, yell and throw things at him too. I never have, I never will.

Are you going to let someone make choices for you?

Because this all your choice. If you are going to suffer don't do it for H. He doesn't give sh!t right now.

Why should you?

How do you percieve he's making choices for me?

I know he doesn't give a sh*t. That's a large part of the problem. As for my choices, they are limited by my concern for the well being of my kids among other concerns that don't pertain to him. He left us, I have children that depend on me. That is, what is.
Are you suggesting I pack their bags and leave them on his doorstep as one of my choices?

[Queen_of_Swords]

And if he doesn't? What does that mean for your kids?

Well seeing as he's in full blown MLC, and his behaviour is not predictable. Who knows? If I'm going on past behaviour, he will make the effort, because although I don't matter to him, they do.

There were times I thought this way too ( D's live with me 24/7 and H lives 70 ish miles away. He does not see them during the week and visits one day on the weekend). Now I look a it as I get to have all this time with D's. I get to be there for all the moments (good and bad). Does this mean they won't have a close R with thim? I don't know, that's really up to them. But, all these moments are lost to him. The memories are mine to keep.

I see your point here. He is missing out on a lot of their lives, and they're resenting him for it as it is. The older child more than the younger, but they are fed up with things too.

I so know this one. My H has come into my home for 3 years, once a week to visit (most of the time he and D's spend the day here). Would it be better for me to not have him here? Yes. Would it be better for D's? No. Why? In my case, I think the contact would diminish. Is that my responsibility? No. What I have learned is that it is love that allows me to be ok with this now. Love for D's and even love for H.

You're a more tolerant woman than I am then. I don't know how you don't start singing, Tom Petty's "Don't come around here nomore." because that's exactly what passed through my mind when I read about your story.

Is this some form of denial or false hope? No. It is the way I can live with myself. Knowing that I did the best I could, for everyone, including me.

We all know how hard this is. Ultimately you will have to decide what you can or can't do and what is best for your family. You are not a daycare worker though. You are a Mom, there is nothing more important and more amazing than that.

HUGS

Thanks for that.

[Jimbo]

Hi SC,

Going dark is a tool that is often touted as a panacea, but explanations of its purposes seem to be lacking or vague at best, especially as applied to the MLC sitch.

Are you wanting to go dark to protect yourself and/or your family, or are you doing it specifically to get a reaction out of your H?

Going dark should be FOR YOU...reserved for times like when your spouse goes ape$#!+ and you just can't handle it anymore, or if (heaven forbid) the children's immediate welfare is at stake.

Doing it specifically to get a desired reaction from your MLCer might work in the short haul, but in the long haul will NOT make them look at themselves any faster, could actually extend their stay in la-la land, and may wind up causing you pain when they don't act according to your expectations.

Just my 2 cents, spoken from experience....

[Queen_of_Swords]

Part of it is for me. Part of it is because what I'm doing is clearly not helping or working.

If I'm persona non grata, may as well get the h3ll out of Dodge in a manner of speaking.

Having contact with him causes me emotional pain right now. I literally dread recieving a text or hearing/seeing the phone ring with his name and number displayed. It's like having my nose rubbed in it.

He doesn't go bananas, and he's no threat to the kids.

[Jimbo]

Part of it is for me. Part of it is because what I'm doing is clearly not helping or working.

I understand. You're trying anything and everything right now. It's part of the process.

If I'm persona non grata, may as well get the h3ll out of Dodge in a manner of speaking.

As long as you're not checking the rear view mirrors as your stagecoach pulls out of town to make sure he's looking, you should be okay.....

Having contact with him causes me emotional pain right now. I literally dread recieving a text or hearing/seeing the phone ring with his name and number displayed. It's like having my nose rubbed in it.

He doesn't go bananas, and he's no threat to the kids.

Yup- right there with you. I remember that nauseating, heart palpitating feeling all too well...

Going dark for SELF preservation is what I meant by the ape$#!+ remark. And that goes for emotional self preservation, too.