I just came back today to check in out you. I'm surprised that you are not getting replies from others here. It's different from when I was here a year ago.
I read through your postings since I last responded.
In general, I think you are having too many relationship talks. Think about how that is working. If she gives you the slightest bit of acknowledgment, you are leaping on it as a sign of improvement. You mentioned your archery and skiing, and your need for here to see your changes. Do the changes for YOURSELF, and try not to worry if she can notice them or not. You need to make these improvements for yourself, in order for it to be changes that really matter, both to you and your wife. When you mention these things to her, it sounds needy, like you need here approval, like you want her to see you trying.
I will use the word that is often used here in the DB forums: You need to detach. It's a simple word, but very difficult to understand it's meaning and how to do it, plus it's stands opposite of what you are trying to do: remain attached. If you can emotionally detach yourself from your need to save your marriage, and focus on being a better man yourself, you may make some meaningful changes that will shock everyone.
I wish I had more time, and that others were participating in your thread. I'll be more blunt with you, because I think it's relevant. I'm a little hesitant, because in the past I've relied on the balance reached through having a group of people commenting on a thread. My own situation ended in divorce, but I still think I learned a lot here. What I want to say is that in reading your thread, you are saying and doing the things that most left-behind spouses do, and the very things that continue to drive their spouses farther away.
I think you should avoid all divorce talks. Let the lawyers handle the divorce, and delay it as long as you can afford to. Read the part of the DB book about "last resort". You should avoid all relationship talks. Yes, she seems like a different person. There is nothing to gain from talking about this right now. I know you want to fix things, and fix it RIGHT NOW. This impulse is something you have to fight. I followed through with the no relationship talks, but one of my many mistakes, was to just avoid talking. You need to be cheerful around her, but be too BUSY living your new life. Any conversations you have, politely end them first, because you have to go. Don't explain any of it. You have already made it clear that you want to work things out. You don't need to keep chasing her. Anything you do that she can see as chasing her, she may and will likely use against you as reasons to justify her decision to leave.
You have to provide real 180's, but don't explain or justify them. Every newcomer here (including me of course) asks "how will they know that I am making these changes?!?!" You have to not worry about this.
I asked you before about if you were reading the book. How is that going for you? Are you reading other threads here? I know that it takes a lot of time. Look, from my perspective, you NEED to read that book, and the threads, PLUS you will have the extra benefit of all that time distracting you from things that are likely interfering with what you need to do. You need to stop thinking about saving your marriage, and come to terms with saving yourself. It's in the book. When you are having all these thoughts, read the book, read threads, go do things that improve your life.
Hang in there.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
