Be the Lighthouse

[Denver_2010]

<<<<<<<<<<<<UPDATE ALERT>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

W initiates text convo at noonish (I'm going to edit out chit chat for brevity):

W: "SIL AND BIL said you are welcome to watch the SB at their house."

Me: "LOL... what are you doing for the SB???... Think that I'm getting arthritis from all the texting you and I have done in the past 12 hours. "

W: "Going to over to SIL and FIL's. You used to be the texting king. It was the only way to communicate with you."

Me: "I prefer talking to you these days. So you thought it would be bad for you to come to my house for the game but you are inviting me to your sister's? Hmmm... I'm not sure how comfortable that would be for me. I would like to hang out with you, SS and everyone, but... I don't know. Plus, I'm wearing the same outfit that you saw me in the other night! LOL..."

W: "yada yada" about something I was looking for in the store

Me: "Thanks. Let me think about going to SIL's. I want to see you guys. I just don't want to be uncomfortable. Or for you to be. I assume that you are Ok with it since you sent me the invite though."

W: "I'm fine with you being there as long as you change your outfit! LOL! No really, I don't mind being around you these days I just think that we should talk soon."

Me: "Yes, what every husband want to hear from his wife "I don't mind being around you these days"... LOL.. J/k."

W: "Sorry. Just being honest. I'm not as willing to dive into anything with you as you are. It's complicated and I'm seriously confused and torn. Just trying to be nice."

Me: "Who said that I was willing to dive into anything??" "

W: "Nice. If you are smart, you'd do anything to keep me. But that's just my opinion. "

Me: "I was just teasing. You know how I feel. I'd walk through the gates of hell for you and SS. I think that I've come pretty close to doing that over the past several months. Anyway, I was just kiddin around. What time do you plan to go to your sisters?"

W: "no, i know you were kidding."

Then some more talk about me picking up some buffalo wings for the SB party that I will spare everyone from.

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So this is the deal everyone. I realize that I am not practicing good DB principles at every turn right now. But I credit DB for getting me to this point.

My sitch is now this - My W wants to reconcile. I'm fairly confident of that. There seems to be pursuit on her part, but it is very passive aggressive. My educated guess is that she wants reconciliation, but she needs for it to happen in a way that she does NOT appear to have made a mistake in leaving in the first place. She needs to do it in a way where it appears that she has proven to me that she won't stay in a miserable M and that she will leave me if pushed too far.

I think that I've got to give this to her, at least to an extent. I think that this is what I actually need to do to continue to draw her closer.

Unfortunately, what this means for me is that she continues to have complete control over the situation. I'm fine with that I suppose as long as it can be corrected down the road when our reconciliation is more stable. I won't agree to reconciliation without solution based therapy. That is one of my few conditions for reconciliation.

Another concern that I have is her comments today that "It's complicated and I'm seriously confused and torn." I'm not sure what she is referring to specifically here.

It could be that she is torn bw sticking to her guns that the M is over and working on M. Or, it could have something to do with OM. I can deal with the former... not as sure about the latter. I don't know if I can deal with being 1 of 2 men that she is choosing bw right now. Not sure how I will deal with this if this is the case.

Another concern that has seriously been rising within me is with possibility of transitioning into the "piecing" stage of DB, I will have to actually walk the walk and forgive W for EA and, maybe, even a PA. I'm pretty certain that I can forgive her for EA. I have some doubts about PA. I know that I've talked a lot about unconditional love, but man, a PA will be hard for me to get past.

W and I plan to talk in the coming days, so I'm sure that I will be getting answers to some of these questions. I am cautiously optimistic at this point.

BITS
Denver

P.S. Sandi - I'd really like to get your take on what may be going on in my W's mind right now.