Thanks Angel. To be honest, I'm having a really tough time today. She told me that she couldn't take S16 this weekend because she is going hiking with "friends." While she may be telling the truth, I have a hard time believing anything she says. Something in me is telling me that she is spending the day with OM. It's just a feeling and I could be wrong, but I can't help but wonder about it. How do you guys get past that? We have never had an issue in our marriage like this before and it is killing me. This just really really [censored].....
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Letting your mind go into "what if's" is something we have all done. If you can find a way to stop yourself (and it may not happen for awhile) and then ask the question "am I responding to fact or fiction" it might help to calm you some.
I'll be honest it took me a long time to be able to do this and sweetie, you are very new to this.
Learning to tie your goat in a new place takes time and patience.
Do you have any physical activities you like to do? I found that doing something physical (minimally a walk) really helped me to clear my head and stop my "second guessing" at least long enough to take a breath.
I like to walk and bowl. Thank you Grace. The people on this board are amazing. I just want this all to end happily. Although, I know i am still very early in the game..........
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
I've been doing some thinking as far as boundaries are concerned. I was thinking of maybe telling wife that as long as she is talking to OM, S16 is not allowed to spend the weekend with her. S16 doesnt like spending weekend with her anyways. Any thoughts on this? Is this wrong? Or the right move?
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Jack, I'm sure you are right. Again. Right now, since we usually end up in a confrontation when we do speak, I'm just going to go dark for a while and try to be nice and "act as if" when we do speak. Is this the right move for now?
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
If you usually wind up in a confrontation, it would probably be best to step back. While you are doing this though, it would be good for you learn what you are doing that escalates this. You have alot more power than you know.
As you work on acting "as if", you will start to see this.
Don't use your son as a pawn. I have a D that is about his age and I let her choose when to go with H. Mostly now, she chooses to go and do things with him. There was a time when she did not. As much as I possible I stay out of their R with H.
Grace - I actually do know what causes things to escalate. It is me. I always seem to question, ask about R or get an attitude. This is something I need to work on and I'm doing it, but it is hard. So very hard.
I do have a question though. Something happened and I don't know the reason for it. Let me explain:
Two weekends ago when I went to pick up S16, she invited me in and we spent over an hour talking on her couch. No R talk, just stuff about her job etc. It was nice like nothing had even happened. I enjoyed it. It almost seemed like old times.
The following weekend when I went to pick up S16, she wouldnt even let me in. What happened? Is this typical MLC behavior? This is all so confusing!!!
Ug!
Thanks for responding.
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
It is totally typical to be one way and then another. And, if you do anything that makes them feel pressured they can get nasty or shutdown.
Remember that these people are hurting too (believe it or not). Does it excuse their behavior? No. It does explain some of it though.
One of the things my H said a few times was that he didn't want to "lead me on". I think this caused him to back even further away. The really funny part is that I wasn't responding to anything he said or did as meaning anything other than his being nice. <shrug>
It is confusing as long as you have a vested interest in their response. As you (slowly) learn to let that go, it stops being personal. I am at the point where if H seems aggrivated, I may ask if it has anything to do with me. I take his answer at face value. He is a grown man that can verbally express what's going on and I expect that of him.
What I've learned not to do, is mindread or play "worst case scenario". Hey it only took me 3 years
We all get to where we need to be in our own time.
I do have a question though. Something happened and I don't know the reason for it. Let me explain:
Two weekends ago when I went to pick up S16, she invited me in and we spent over an hour talking on her couch. No R talk, just stuff about her job etc. It was nice like nothing had even happened. I enjoyed it. It almost seemed like old times.
The following weekend when I went to pick up S16, she wouldnt even let me in. What happened? Is this typical MLC behavior? This is all so confusing!!!
Ug!
Thanks for responding.
Tad, my ex did the same things. On one instance, he was talking to my son and told son i could call or come over anytime i wanted. (my son was asking me to stay away from his dad because of the anger), so this thre son and i for a loop. Samr day he called son and told him to tell me to come pick up some lightbulbs i needed, I ended up taking a nap in his recliner! He could not have been nicer, even fed me supper. The next visit he wouldnt even let me in and the fight was on, i didnt back down, I am not bragging because it was stupid of me, I was dealing with a child I should of been smart enough to walk away. I, like u, thought he wa coming around each time he was his nice selk. PLEASE dont expect this every time, That is what is so awful about this, the unexpected. I think its like they show their old self for an instant and then hide again. If u want to know what not to do than read my threads. I think others will agree. Hang in there, its a long rd.
