I could spoil the ending here and tell you that today I am in such a state of grace and strength that no matter what happens with my wife, unless she actually marries another man, I know I will not give up the fight.
I could even tell you that, incredibly, I have realized that suddenly I'm okay with never being with anyone else again!
I mean my life has already been so blessed with so many unbelievably amazing times, today I suddenly realized that for me...
* My L---- will always be the best * I know I will never settle for second best * I know how much she has given to me and so many other people throughout her life
*I know how much she deserves to have an outstanding quality of life *I know that this is my life and it is my choice to spend it anyway I like * I believe there is no greater accomplishment in life than loving one person really well *I know we both will benefit from me constantly being her best friend and constantly being there for her no matter what she does...
*I know that she will always be a part of me * She will always in my heart * She will always be with me everywhere I go and nothing can ever take that away...
It's amazing but right now I feel that letting her go completely and doing whatever she needs to do, having no more fear of losing her because I know I never really can...suddenly I feel free.
It's like I know my one true path, because I know my one true love.
So let me tell you how this happened. About 5am this morning I read that Heaven-sent thread "Be The Lighthouse" (I'd post the link if I knew how, but you can look it up).
That really got me thinking. I went out for a walk along the lake. There is a small marina there with nothing more than a pole out on the pier with a tiny light on top, but it served the purpose just the same.
When I got out to the light pole, I noticed on the pole that someone had written somethings about God and faith. Can't remember what they were, but I wondered what I might have written there if I had had a marker with me.
I would have written what I heard a priest say last night in the movie The Rite:
"Faith becomes you. Fight the good fight with all Thy might."
Okay. Being the lighthouse. Believing. Having faith. Fighting the good fight with all the might of God behind me...wow. Powerful stuff.
So I started thinking about what that would actually look like. What it would actually take for me to be the lighthouse and fight the good fight with all Thy might...
Well, I reasoned, it would have to start with vows. Not "our" vows, but MY vows. I would need to define and condition vows so invincible within myself, that no devil or temptation could ever overcome me.
Pretty strong stuff, I thought. So then I figured I need some kind of ceremony to really mark this moment for myself.
I decided that what I would do, was take some pictures of myself by different lighthouses along the lake, and with each picture, I would write another vow. (Along the way it dawned on me that my wife collects lighthouses. Hello! When the time is right she'll love to see those pictures!)
Anyhoo, I already had a really nice camera, but I needed to get a tripod, so I purchased one of those, and then drove an hour to a nicer lighthouse than a lamppost.
When I got there, I walked out on the icy, cold and windy pier, set up my camera, took the shot, and recited my first vows:
"I vow to be an outstanding Husband, Father, Friend, Lover and Partner."
And then God, the Big Fat Funny Joker, figured He would have a laugh. Suddenly a gust of wind came and blew my fancy camera right off the pier! Right into the cold and irrevocable depths of Lake Ontario!
So I took that as a sign and fortified my vows right there on the spot...
"I vow to be an outstanding Husband, Father, Friend, Lover and Partner, NO MATTER WHAT!"
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
