Cmon, you can't really expect her to jump at the chance to get together with you, do you?!?! If she were going to be that quick to come back, she wouldn't have left in the first place. You need to cool your engines and pull back big time. You have the fish on the hook, don't reel it in too fast or you may just lose it. You have to start being more non-chalant and not jumping out of your skin when she is moving in closer to you. She is leaning quite closely to you. She is testing the water. It needs to be warm water, not too hot or it won't be comfortable for her to climb in. Just tell yourself that you are on the verge of making HUGE strides here. Don't come across as too anxious or she will get nervous. She is a squirrel. You are setting yourself up for disappointment with too much expectation. Just take a deep breath, celebrate your success and take a step back and analyze everything that is happening. You need to keep a cooler head here, amigo. You are right on the cusp and I am so excited for you, I can't begin to tell you.
B.IT.S.
M42 W38 D5D7 M8 Living as 'roomates' since 9-12-10 Moved out 1-7-11 FIL threatened to kill me 1-20-11
Thanks MJ. You are right. I thought I was within striking distance of ending this thing as soon as tonight and I was wrong. Just frustrated.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Maybe my W is the one that texted you. Look the script is the same with your W and mine. "I don't want to send you mix signals" "I don't want to give you false hope" Blah blah blah You have read her play book she has not seen yours
You got overly excited tonight now she brought you back to earth.
Sounds to me she tested the waters a little bit and you might have spooked her, this is why they say if W ever wants to talk about M don't get overly excited. However you did not completely scare her off, she is still willing to talk later on in the week. I think this is a good thing because it gives you a chance to calm down a little and think before you act.
Move forward with caution and remember how you got here, through patience and consistency, NOW is the time to really practice what you have learned.
It is ok she feels this way she is scared and probably a little nervous about what to say or how to react she was not ready yet and she realized it when she received your text.
Breath and see this for what it is.........a step in the right direction.
No promises but this does not seem like any kind of bomb. I am actually nervous also. I am turning into such a woman.
Dude, I laughed out loud when I just read this!! We are aren't we??? LOL...
Hey....I resemble that remark!
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
Summing up my update for Saturday so easier to read...
2/5/11
5:50 p.m. W just texted me about tomorrow.
W: "I'm not sure how i feel about going to your place to watch the game tomorrow since we haven't had any discussions about our situation. What are your thoughts?"
Me: "I understand how you feel. But I think that it would be nice to just hang out. So I'm not uncomfortable with it at all. I don't want you to be uncomfortable though. It is truly up to you. I would luv to have you guys over, but I will understand if you decide not to."
--- It seems to me that W is trying to put the ball in my court on both, her coming over to watch SB AND R talk... Like I've said before, W does not like to initiate things like R talk. -----------
6:45 p.m. Well, I was right... my W was trying to put the ball in my court.
Further update...
W responded to my last text:
W: "I guess I just don't understand why you haven't initiated a conversation with me or tried to work things out. I don't want to pretend that there's nothing wrong. SS has hope every time we are together and that's not fair to him."
Me: "W, I'm just trying to give you all the space and time that you need for you and your happiness. I want nothing more than for us to reconnect and work things out."
"I understand why you left. I really do. I've been using our time apart to heal some things about myself that were there long before you and I met. That has been my focus. Bc if I haven't healed, then I can't be the person and husband that I want to be. I wasn't."
"But my silence on 'us' isn't bc I don't care. The opposite is true. It is the most important thing to me in this world. My silence has been out of respect for you and what you asked me for when you left."
"I would be excited to talk to you about 'us' if and when you are ready."
"I love you, SS, and my D more than anything (yes, even my dogs) and I want a new marriage with you... A better and healthier marriage. I believe in us 110%. Now more than ever actually."
"I bet that I just really made you not want to come over tomorrow. I hope not, buy again, I respect you and whatever you choose. Both tomorrow and in the future." ------
8:30 p.m. W just responded via text...
W: "Had thought about seeing if you wanted to have dinner but time slipped by with Mel. We've been brainstorming music. We should talk though. Face to face."
Me: "I'd be happy to talk to you about it whenever and wherever... tonight, tomorrow... I guess what I"m saying is that I'm available. :)"
W: "Well, I'm home. Could leave SS alone, but that's probably bad idea with weather."
Me: "I'd suggest that you guys can come over, but not sure we'd be able to talk. Guess we could rent a movie for SS upstairs. Whatever you are comfortable with."
-----
Waiting to hear back. I'm either in for a major jump in progress towards reconciliation, or I'm in for a major bomb that will set me back a few hundred steps.
Very nervous here. ---------------------
9:15 p.m. So here's the latest. W just finished working on music with her band partner. She responds to my last text to her:
W: "I think that I'm too tired to talk tonight. Let me know if you'd like to meet sometime to talk though. Although I'd be fine watching the game tomorrow, I think it sends very mixed messages to you and SS, so I probably shouldn't. I appreciate the invitation but there are too many unresolved issue with us right now."
Me: "Ok. I understand. Maybe we can go to dinner and talk sometime next week?"
W: "Sure. Just let me know when you are thinking. I think that I'm going to crash soon. Too much wine with Mel as usual!"
Me: "Ok. Goodnight."
W: "night" -------------
What the hell?!!? Now coming over to watch the game "sends very mixed messages" to me?!?!? But just earlier in the night she's saying that she doesn't understand "why you haven't initiated a conversation with me or tried to work things out."!!!! What?! Those two very different statements DON'T send mixed messages W?!
F&#*$&ing seriously!!! This damn WAS syndrome needs a cure. This is ridiculous.
I know that I f'd up in our M, but how much punishment do I really deserve?!
Sorry... just venting.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I haven't followed your sitch, so I am coming to this with no background. But if the two of you want to reconcile, then why not agree to go to a Retrouvaille weekend? Check the website, www.helpourmarriage.org. Dates and locations are listed on the website for all the upcoming weekends.
The weekend program teaches you how to communicate effectively. They give you the topics to talk about, teach you how to frame your discussions so they don't alienate or accuse the other person, but do get to the heart of what needs to be said.
it's not group therapy. You're not talking about your problems in front of other people. It is a very warm, pleasant weekend that saves about 1/2 the marriages that give it a chance. There's a whole thread on the subject in Piecing called "Retrouvaille means change". It doesn't really mean change, it means re-discovery, but I named the thread that because if you go and you do what they tell you to do, your relationship will change, and both of you will change too. And by that I mean, change for the better!
I've read some about Retrouvaille and would love to go with W, if I can get her to the point where she will consider it.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I'm curious what others think of my interaction with W yesterday. Of course, I'm obsessing about it this morning.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I still think the SB ask was pursuing and I think you knew that she was prob going to decline the invite. She isn't ready for that. Remember in DR - BABY STEPS. Look, it's hard when you think you may have a little light at the end of the tunnel. You just want to grab the football and run but the expectation is too high and you will suffer great disappointment which will continue to undermine your progress.
I think it's fab that she wants to meet up with you for dinner one night this week. You must go into it with an open mind, NO EXPECTATIONS, don't treat it as a date, treat it as 2 friends getting together for a meal.
I wouldn't bring up anything with Retrouvaille at this juncture. If you do, you are going to shooting yourself in the foot. Again, too high expectations. Patience, Patience, Patience. Be proud of the baby steps you have made and continue to make. She needs to get their on her terms not yours. Do some research on this place and keep it tucked away in your pocket for future reference. If she's not ready to koin you in a chat with your DB Coach,she's def not going to be ready for the retreat.
Keep your efforts going. You have been an inspiration to me and others on this board.
Happy Super Bowl!
(((HUGS)))
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
hi - sorry work kicks my butt on friday and saturday nights but i think she still needs time, but she def wants to make sure you are still in the game your dbing i working, she is getting worried that you might not be there i think your responses are reassuring to her, and she needs that, but at the same time, i think you might be slightly less available? (question mark because of course you know her best) it doesn't hurt to have her guessing a bit you are in this for the long haul, it is not going to be a quick fix zen is right about retouville, not now and i also think she is right about the superbowl go find a party with some good friends and have a good time don't be discouraged you are doing great
