Divorce or Hope?

[ninelives]

Well, I am back to this silliness and despite knowing what to do, i made a huge mistake on Friday.

She was very confused when she got caught back in Oct, she wanted councelling and wanted me to forgive her and so on but I was absolutely unconsoluable. I even spit in her face when she finally told me she had slept with him despite denying it forever.

I stayed with her in the mental hospital for awhile and she still talked about recon. But as the weeks passed, she wanted her boyfriend more and more. She made it very clear at one point that I should move on and that she would never come back.

Same as last time she left in Feb of 2010 but that was before I knew of affair.

She has not respected any boundries I have set and called often and sometimes it seemed just to chat. I finally made it very clear that she did not exist to me other than the mother of my children.

My son had an appendix attack two weeks ago and we went to the hospital in a bigger town, 1.5 hours away together because son wanted both of us. We stayed in his hospital room together overnight.

Longest night of my life. She is with OM and does not appear to want to let go of him despite realizing that they have a bleak future together financially and because many of her family will not accept him.

For last few weeks, I have been ignoring her and replying very quick texts to her about kids. Many of texts need not be sent.

She was upset that I wouldnt look at her at our sons hockey games as I am the coach, she would come into the dressing room despite me asking her not to. She texted me and asked if I would ever speak to her again. I said not as long as you are with OM.

Unfortunatlely , I miss her like crazy and am willing to forgive her PA with this loser. We talked on Friday and she told me she wasnt happy and wished she could just dissappear but tells her friends she is getting happy.

I asked her a question on the phone about something and she said why do i care since i hate her anyway.

In a moment of weakness I said, Do you really think I hate you after all these years. I told her I miss her like crazy and that I still love her but I have to ignore her for my survival.

I went over to pick up my son at her place and we talked again about recon and that her boyfriend was a player that tried that line on so many people but she bought it because she was so unhappy about her boring marriage.

She told me earlier that there was 100% chance we would ever get back together but by the end of the hour she said she needed time to think. I know I came on too strong but I cant stand to see her go down this path of destruction.

I have revovered since and I have accepted that she is not coming back and he will probably move in with her for a while where she now becomes the bread winner. I know she will enjoy that role for a while but then it will blow up in her face.

I need to accept the fact that there is no recon any time soon if ever and if there is , she might be coming back for the wrong reasons.

I only told her I loved her because I think she truly believed that I hated her and would never accept her back. I am faced with the burden of loving someone that doesnt really love me although she said she did that night but not in the marital sense.

When will I wake up and stop causing myself so much pain looking for a morsal of hope to bring back our family.

She even said she enjoys her little house where she can be alone sometimes. I just wonder if that will ever grow tiresome or has she become so selfish that this is who she really is.