Well, we had kind of blowout last night. Things with H were just kind of status quo the last three weeks, but I could see and feel him pulling back a bit. I just kept my nose to the grind and tried not to get emotional about it.
Then, last night, he wanted to have a R talk, of sorts. What started out as just some general convo about using TV as a distraction from my thoughts about us turned into H telling me that I need to go out and date other guys and "blow out the candles on my pity party". He said I need to ask God to "grant you the serenity to accept the things you can not change and the wisdom to know the difference." The dating thing completely threw me because we had been ostensibly just seeing each other and trying to see where things led...but maybe that's not the case on his end anymore.
I pretty much stopped talking at this point because anything I had to say would have been pure emotion and destructive. I wanted to say so many things, but this morning I am glad that I didn't. H left and I went up to bed and cried and cried. I've given it some thought and I think he was probably saying things out of guilt or to convince himself that his actions have been okay or that he actually believes that casting aside our M to "find himself" is just par for the course and I should buck up and roll with it - all while continuing to be there for him emotionally and physically.
Suffice it to say, I am not in a very good place right now. I am tired. I am rapidly approaching my limit. Not really sure what I'm doing any more.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
