The last 3 days H has been a bit distant. Nothing blatant, but fewer texts, not calling me and telling me that he's going out to watch football one night and to a bar with his guys another night. There's not one thing I can pinpoint, but it's just a gut feeling. I think one of the reasons that my guard has been up is because I feel that H saw me pulling back and doing my own thing, panicked and tried to draw me back in, but underneath it all, still is not committed to me.
An acquaintance who has not given me the best advice in the past told me last night via text that my H is using me and that I am codependent. He thinks that I should cut H off and END it. I don't know what to do with that. I know all about codependency, have read the books, etc., but where's the line between being committed to your marriage and valuing it and the vows that you took despite the crap you are going through and being a codependent? I'm not working to save my marriage because I need my husband in my life. I know that I would be fine all by myself. I made a committment to H, to my marriage and I value it and I truly believe that in the long run, it would be more fulfilling to have worked through this and made a better M.
But maybe I am wrong?
I do know that I have been through enough with H and that there is very little more that I can take. So, if his behavior reverts back, we will most likely reach the place where things are "irretrievably broken".
The uncertainty is creeping back in with a vengeance!
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
I feel that H saw me pulling back and doing my own thing, panicked and tried to draw me back in, but underneath it all, still is not committed to me.
But that is the first thing.....him wanting to draw you back to him. It works every time.
Co-dependency is a toxin MR. You can't live with him and you can't live without him. A healthy R is when you can have a well-rounded life that includes other things besides him (except OP, of course).
I know a couple who have been divorced for years but she cannot open her mouth and discuss anything without saying his name. She can't move forward and she can't reconcile with him. Sad.
You started out real good. Just hang in there.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I just read your entire thread. I am inspired by your self focus. I have been trying to do the same things, and feel a little selfish at times, and my H seems to swing back and forth. Needing me one day desperately almost, and not the next.
I have also questioned why I should want him back, as I remember all the things I changed for him and it was never enough. And he had a EA/PA. Sometimes I feel anger at him, and wonder if he is doing any soul searching and changing.
Either way, your posts were inspiring and you gave me some strength in reading them. I wonder if my H is using me to when he calls/texts/wants affection, etc. and if it is completely wrong of me to respond at all. At the end of the day, you love who you love, and it is hard to push them away. It is more about feeling like you are giving up on the idea of vows and commitment that mean so much to us. Sometimes I worry that is more feeling like I "failed" at the marriage than it is about wanting him back. Tough thoughts to process.
Be strong, and keep posting. You are helping more than you know. You must trust that when and if you need to make a decisive decision, that your heart will already know the answer. Hopefully your head agrees with it.
Sandi2 - you're such a jewel. What you wrote about a healthy R just strikes home to me how I am on the right path and that I need to keep doing what I've been doing. Everyone has an opinion and all advice is not good advice.
Scott33 - thanks for posting. I am just living out my journey. any help I can give is great, but I need lots of help, too! I am really hopeful that I can reach a point where I am acting with certainty, but right now so many things feel uncertain.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
H and I just had a long R talk, like five hours of talking. We rehashed some of our feelings about old things and our fears about things now. We both shed a few tears. H basically admitted that he is still majorly uncertain about reconciling, because of his past behavior. He says he never thought that he could be a guy who would do/say all of the things that he did to me, but he clearly became that guy. He is afraid that he will become that way again if we reconcile, but he is also afraid to lose me.
I discussed with him some of the changes that have taken place and how we could carry them over into the M if he ever came back. We also cleared up some misunderstandings. So, I feel like the talk was a good thing. As you all know, I was dreading any R talk because it never felt like we resolved anything or figured anything out.
I don't feel like the conversation put us any closer to reconciling, but I do feel like we understand each other a little better.
Sandi2 said this: A healthy R is when you can have a well-rounded life that includes other things besides him (except OP, of course).
And so I'm focusing on that well-rounded life part.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
Just wanted you to know that leaving you was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. Despite what you think/thought and how I made you feel, in my eyes you were wonderful and beautiful, and precious. god truly blessed me when he gave me you and I knew that even though I didn't act like it. I sincerely apologize for everything I've put you through over the years. You've been nothing but good to me and I didn't deserve it. I wish I could open my chest and show you how much I love/loved you but I can't. All you had were my actions and that wasn't much to go on and that's the part that hurts the most, to love someone so much but have no evidence (or very little) to show for it, to know that when someone you love remembers you all they can remember is pain and suffering rather than the love that you truly felt for them. I mean, I had my good moments but they are so far and between. You loved me unconditionally and consistently and I didn't give you the same in return. It isn't failing at marriage that hurts so much, it's the fact that I've failed you. You were my everything though I lacked in showing it. The fact that there may be someone out there that can love you better and make you happier is a very bitter pill to swallow. I don't know where this road is gonna take us but wherever it does just know that you are and always will be the love of my life and that you were the greatest thing to happen to me (though I didn't show it). Married or not, you are my soul mate and my best friend. Please don't respond. This is just something I thought you needed to know.
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What do you all think? What do I do with this?
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
thatgirl - I'm glad you were able to visit with H. I wonder if my H and I will ever get to that point. He did spend most of the day here at our home, helping us shovel snow and hanging out with S. I was quite surprised at that.
Sometimes he needs something (not affection!) from me, and wants his answer yesterday. If I have a question, he pretends he doesn't receive it for a number of hours. Guess he has this detachment down quite well.
Woke up this a.m., got ready for work, dragging along feeling a little restless and uncertain, but also optimistic about my life. Came downstairs to put on my boots and head out the door. There was this quiet scratching at my door. I got scared and my heart jumped in my chest. I peered through the peephole.
There was H.
I opened the door and his eyes locked on me. He looks at me a certain way now. Almost from the moment he told me that he was leaving, when we cried and carried on our hysterics that day. The way he looks at me - locking his eyes on me, devouring, like a magnetic force, honing in on me. And he kissed me and hugged me for a long time. I asked him if he needed anything.
"Just wanted to see you," he said. I smiled and told him I liked that and put my arms around his belly and just hugged him for a little while. Then, we chatted while I put on my boots just light talk. We walked down to my car, chatted a bit more and then hugged and kissed again.
He said that he would text me later and off I went.
Now, I am at work. I love H. He's going though his own thing right now and ultimately, the fate of our marriage is not in my hands, but I love him with all of my heart. I hope + pray that our marriage can be restored. I fully accept that now, I'm done fighting it. I think in the last few days I was fighting that tug, fighting going back to the full knowledge that I want to be with him because of how vulnerable that makes me.
But I can be vulnerable, there's nothing wrong with that. Along with that truth and vulnerability, I can also be strong. I can make good decisions. I can also focus primarily on myself and the life I want to lead. I can certainly and primarily still pursue my romance with myself.
I can, I can, I can! And I will, too. Onward and upwards!
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
Just wanted to post an update. No big changes. I am still seeing H several times a week and we are texting/calling daily. I am battling my feelings of ambivalence about H and our M. I know these are feelings that will change. Underneath it all, I love him.
I know that the emotions of everything have caught up with me and are wearing me down. So, I am just trying to keep things light and to focus on myself. I realized that much of my activity, thoughts, etc. are still structured around H. I'm working on switching that up and putting time, energy and effort into focusing on me. It's hard, but it gets easier and more do-able with practice. I literally force myself to stop thinking about H (or whatever situation/circumstance concerns H) and instead think of something else that has very little do with him and everything to do with me.
That might be why I haven't reported back here. Because when I post I tend to focus on him and our sitch and it's frustrating. It's far less frustrating to focus on me, to plan out my day, to revel in the small things and pursue my goals. I guess in many ways I have been LRT'ing without knowing it.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
Well, we had kind of blowout last night. Things with H were just kind of status quo the last three weeks, but I could see and feel him pulling back a bit. I just kept my nose to the grind and tried not to get emotional about it.
Then, last night, he wanted to have a R talk, of sorts. What started out as just some general convo about using TV as a distraction from my thoughts about us turned into H telling me that I need to go out and date other guys and "blow out the candles on my pity party". He said I need to ask God to "grant you the serenity to accept the things you can not change and the wisdom to know the difference." The dating thing completely threw me because we had been ostensibly just seeing each other and trying to see where things led...but maybe that's not the case on his end anymore.
I pretty much stopped talking at this point because anything I had to say would have been pure emotion and destructive. I wanted to say so many things, but this morning I am glad that I didn't. H left and I went up to bed and cried and cried. I've given it some thought and I think he was probably saying things out of guilt or to convince himself that his actions have been okay or that he actually believes that casting aside our M to "find himself" is just par for the course and I should buck up and roll with it - all while continuing to be there for him emotionally and physically.
Suffice it to say, I am not in a very good place right now. I am tired. I am rapidly approaching my limit. Not really sure what I'm doing any more.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
