When Beckie and I first started talking, I had already had a brief meeting with another woman in Florida. Let's call her Marcie.
Although there wasn't any real spark with Marcie, she was bright, pretty, and having inherited over a $100 million dollars, she gave me a glimpse into a world I had never seen before. A world of such freedom and abundance it took the meaning of luxury to a hold new level.
With so much money, it was really easy to have fun with Marcie. So when she offered to fly my son and I out to go snowboarding at her place in Whistler, I accepted the invitation. Knowing in the back of my mind that I was really starting to like Beckie, and no matter what kind of fun or lifestyle this other woman had to offer, compared to the truth and light of Beckie, she couldn't hold a candle.
Still, I hadn't even met Beckie in person yet, and a weekend on the slopes sounded like a lot of fun. So away we went.
Remember though, Beckie had told me in advance of her plans to go and spend a weekend in Montana with a guy that she had met, while I had said I wasn't talking to anyone else at all. And now here I was planning to go away with someone.
Well as it often goes, when a little lie is told, it leads to bigger lies in order to cover up. So then I told Beckie I was going away on business. And while I was there, I lied again and told her I didn't have any cell phone service.
Curiously, all those little lies would not leave me alone. They gnawed at my conscience like no other lies I had ever told, because I already knew how much I liked Beckie. I already knew how awesome she was and I knew she deserved a whole lot better than a person who wasn't honest.
But at the time I really had no idea HOW to be completely honest! Underneath all my false bravado I really didn't how I would ever be able to manage in a relationship where I could NEVER use lies in order to protect myself.
I knew I wanted that level of honesty in my life. I was just scared to death of having it. So right from the beginning, I was terrified of both hearing and speaking the whole entire truth, no matter how much I proclaimed to want it.
Okay one more lie to speak of, and then we can move on. A couple of times when Marcie and I were having intercourse in Whistler, this ungodly smell rose up. It was completely revolting. Nauseating. Like nothing I had ever smelled before, and totally a turn-off. It was pretty strange though, because it didn't happen all the time. Just every once in awhile. So I just wrote it off as the bad chemistry the two of us were creating.
However what was most appalling, is that later on, when I was making love to Beckie, that very same smell arose. Oh my god I was terrified! By that time, I had already fallen head over heels in love with her, and I was horrified to say the smell had come from me. So like the cad I was, I lied again and said I had never smelled anything like that before.
I let Beckie believe we were creating that bad chemistry together, instead of just saying there must be something wrong with me, because I had noticed it before.
Beckie and I had barely just begun, and already I was terrified of losing her.
Next Chapter: Blinded By The Light
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
